A feedback and review of my story's intro would be helpful

@diestreve319 Valerie
Sun, 13 Feb 2022 06:08:41 +0000

@diestreve319 wrote:

Hi, I'm currently working on a new story. This is the intro, and I would love to know your comments about it. If you have any suggestions and advice, let me know.

I’m nearly 47, still single, and I guess I’d forever be. Sometimes they’d ask me if I ever fell in love and I’d always say, "Yes, four times to be exact." But then they’d ask the next question that broke my heart. "Then why didn't you get married?”

I would always stare at them in silence, shake my head, and just smile, hoping they’d never ask again.

Tonight wasn’t different. Some guests of the party, friends of my niece, asked me those questions. My answers were all similar, and it always ended me with a familiar sting in my heart.

My niece came up to me as I walked out the gates of her house. I could still hear the loud noise of the party and the voice of a drunk man singing karaoke, even from here.

“Tita, (auntie) what are you doing out here?”

“Well, I went out for some fresh air.”

“But tita, it’s too boring here. Come inside, please.”

“No, look at the stars tonight. I want to go to the park. That’s the perfect place for stargazing.”

“Tita, are you okay? Don’t mind my friends. Sometimes they’re too insensitive.”

“Haay naku! It’s okay. I don’t mind them. I’m used to it.”

“Fine. If you say so, I’ll go back inside. Take care. Ingat, (stay safe) tita.”

So I walked my way to the open park where the view of the stars was a stunning view to witness.

I always wanted to marry and have a family of my own. But sometimes I just have to accept maybe getting married wasn’t my life’s destiny.

It still hurts. The truth always hurts. No matter what we do to avoid the feeling.

As I gazed at the stars above me, tears started filling up my eyes.

Suddenly, I remembered a face, faded in my memory, yet still didn’t change his handsome features.

The day of the dance returned in my memory, and I knew he would walk my way, but I ran away before he’d reached me.

As I kept walking, the air became colder; the humidity was suddenly gone.

I remembered his eyes, the color of the ocean, and his smile, the moment I swear as if I was back in time, seeing him in front of me, smiling, still a memory definitely fading. Yet I never had the bravery to return the smile.

Then, a familiar face with a guitar fitted closely to his chest, as if I could still listen to the music still, and that moment in time, he’d held my hand, yet I panicked and left him brokenhearted because I let go of his hand.

I reached the park and yes, the stars tonight were dazzling, watching over me, as the last guy whose face I still recognized in my memory resurfaced. We kept bumping into each other at the music store, and he kept asking my name, but I never answered till we never saw each other again.

I could feel the wind cold as the sadness in my heart grew weaker and weaker.

All I could ask the stars above, “What if?”

Then, an even more beautiful sight that made the evening magical was when a group of fireflies approached me. Their lights shone even more in the evening's darkness.

I caught one firefly. It outshone every star up there in the night sky.
Remembering all about them, I made a wish on a whim, out of my desperation of never truly finding out the outcome or what would be the story if I just took the risk. I closed my eyes and had a deep breath. The coldness of the night warmed.

My name is Paraluman, and this is my story.

“Oh, Paraluman, continue your story.”

“Huh?” Why do I hear my old teacher’s voice?

“Paraluman. Open your eyes and continue.”

When I opened my eyes, I freaked out. Why am I in this classroom? Why is it not night? Why is it morning? And why do I see my classmates' young faces? What?

A familiar cool voice who seemed to come from young Kael was now speaking. “Paraluman, we want to know the story of your lola (grandmother).”

To my shock, I was seeing my first love, Kael, at his young self. Not the Kael whose hair was gray and has been married to his long-time girlfriend.