There is a mixing of tenses in the beginning and overall it reads like a fable is being told to the audience, which isn't necessarily bad if used in a focused manner. I think it reads this way because there aren't any substantial paragraphs.
But the biggest obstacle for me is the formatting. It's script-like, but then there are random times when it is written like normal prose with quotations and dialogue tags.
If you want to write prose like the majority of published novels, I would definitely suggest going with quotations and dialogue tags.