Title: Erden Rewrite
Compliments: I have been meaning to read this rewrite of yours for a while, I think I saw a post somewhere and it really caught my attention.
To start, the vibe you have managed to bring out in the story is really amazing. The pre-festive environment of Daerin and the tranquility of Loethe house could be felt easily from your writing.
Your descriptions are also fantastic, they flow well and are not difficult to read at all. Really helps the reader connect to the story as soon as possible.
The characters seem very natural. One could easily grasp the tenderness of Rivelle or the childishness of Urie.
Criticism:
I will only point out things from the first few chapters, so if anything was done intentionally and I point it out, I hope you can let me off the hook.
There's not much I could find except a few minor things here and there.
Very rarely, but certainly, there are some points where Urie acts at odds against his childish personality. Like here
He felt it— —An itch I have to scratch! Will father know what it is? I never had the chance to ask him.
It feels slightly unnatural considering his previous behavior but it could be considered nitpicking from my end.
Next, some descriptions felt slightly snappy. In the sense, they were either rushed or not elaborated on enough, like here.
At the southern half, erected right in the middle of the gap between the eastern and western sides of the wall, was a mysterious structure reaching high up into the clouds. Past the structure was nothing but a sheer cliff dropping down a great distance, and extending endlessly into white mist.
And the last thing I would like to point out. There are a few dialogues that seemed to have been punctuated oddly.
Overall. I think you have done a great job with your novel, I look forward to reading it on Tapas soon!
My Work:
I don't think it's much but I would be grateful if you guys can help me better it!