Title: Trial Run
by @chestnutriceeee
Criticism:
I'll nitpick on the first paragraphs in case the problems become recurring ones throughout. Keep these in mind since the first part is what welcomes your readers.
Immediately got hit with a lot of talls at the first paragraph xD is this intentional? Try not to use the same descriptive word repeatedly in one paragraph.
Amidst the trees, in the middle of the small forest stood a boy with purple eyes.
In the middle of the small forest, amidst the trees stood a boy with purple eyes.
I'm not sure if this is better but in your description, you've already zoomed into the trees at "amidst the trees" then your perspective went back out into "small forest"
At least, that's what I felt from reading this part.
At the next paragraph, your sentence seems a bit too long. You can cut it at "swept through his surroundings.(period)" then enter a new sentence, "Heaving a sigh, he pressed the only button on the watch."
Chapter 3 is a bit confusing. At the shifting of narrative, you could add like, "I glanced at the writings again," or something along these lines. Since it's all in first person, you can get lost in who's talking, even with using ** as separation.
Compliments: I like how you entered the action in chapter 0(the latter part could do a bit of tightening, it felt a bit drawn out.)
Your first-person narrative sounds good, though I'm not much of a fan of (nametag) dialogues. Love some of the witty remarks Ivan says.
Your lore seems to be already well constructed, they sound natural coming from your characters.
Overall, it's interesting. You just have to be careful of sometimes drawing things out too long, I believe.
Status : Episode 7
My Work/s: