Could you review my novel

[Spoonyenertainment]

This is a fantasy comedy action novel
It's only has 5 chapters
But I thing it's enough for a review..

Drunk Souls | Tapas

[cherrystark]

I read the first couple of chapters. Here are my initial thoughts, (please take them for what they are worth). I am not sure if English is your first language, but there were several grammatical errors that made me pause a few seconds to try and figure out what you meant. I use Grammarly to help give me a second set of eyes for spelling errors, etc.

This is my preference but the formatting made it hard for me to follow. There doesn't need to be a space between every line. It made it difficult to know what was dialogue and exposition. I am not opposed to reading a story in a script format but even scripts have structured formats so readers/actors/designers know what dialogue and what is description that they can use to craft the scene visually.

I would also encourage you to add lots of sensory detail to help ground your work in the readers minds. You mention that it takes place in a jail cell. Tell us what the jail cell looks like. A cell in a small town in rural America is going to look different than a cell in the big city. Ancient prison cells look different depending on the region.

[NellieVP318]

I agree with @cherrystark here. I read a couple of the chapters and I got a bit confused of how the story is going. I noticed that your story is in script form which is not a bad thing ( considering that I used to write like that before.) but the way it written, it makes the story feel empty and doesn't give the reader time to feel immersed with the story, world, and characters.

Also, grammar is an issue that I had to stop a couple times to figure out what it is going on in the story. If you need help grammar wise, get a person who could look over it or use grammar tools like Grammarly or ProWritingAid.

I would highly suggest getting into more descriptive imagery for your story. Like describing the jail cell and so on. I would also look into reading resources about how to write stories in script form to help you better.

That's all I can think of for right now.

[Spoonyenertainment]

So more details and work on the grammar
Got it
Thank you so much

[system]

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