Depressed people: How irrational are you?

[caelenmustang]

I'm at a point where I know when a spiral is coming on. I currently do not have insurance so no meds, no diagnosis. Heavy family history of depression, bipolar, anxiety on both sides. I'm genuinely afraid I may be bipolar, as I've begun to recognize behaviors in myself that I saw in my aunt at 26. But I'm in a better place than she was at this age, and I have a network of friends who support me and coworkers who completely understand - we are all some form of depression, anxiety, etc and we sort of gravitated to this job because it's surprisingly good for us. It gets us to socialize but not too much more than we can handle. It... has been very nice.

At my lowest I will lay in bed and stare at my ceiling. These episodes are rare, but because I've noted my patterns, I am somewhat able to guess their arrival and get some snacks and a few bottles of water at the ready. It also helps that the bathroom is literally right next to my room. GoPuff has also been immeasurably useful during these periods too.

I have a severe aversion to pain, to the point it has become a neurosis. I've been this way since I was small. But it gets worse the more severe my depressive episode is; I have broken down sobbing because I've stubbed my toe or lightly burned my tongue on hot soup before (though I maintain the latter is justified because I couldn't taste the soup anymore and I was already upset about something else that day).

[raekitano]

At my most worst I thought about taking both my life and that of my young children. I had planned it out.
That was almost 13 years ago.
I got help but it was a long process.
Much of my problems were physical due to unexplained lower abdominal pain. It took a long time to realise it was due to my diet. Once that got sorted, things begin to improve. I was sleeping better, thinking better, able to make rational decisions.
I look back at my darkest moments and I'm grateful I never went through with it.
I'd have missed so many amazing opportunities in my life and so would have my children.

@Mari just on your duty cups. I always cried over split milk, literally. We have polished floorboards and my kids were prone to spilling their drinks and milk was the worse because I would have to attempt to get it out from between the floorboard so it didn't smell later. And every time I did the dishes I would cry, to which point my husband purchase a dishwasher we couldn't fit in our kitchen, which he installed in our laundry. It's still there and we still use it. Stay strong. ️

[eyewater]

please delete everything

[silverraven0]

I don't have depression (I think I don't have anyway) and I'm rather 'numb' most of the time, but I did have a lot of negative thoughts and all, and I've been eying the cleaning products for quite a while. And I got these kind of thoughts when I'm showering or washing dishes XD .

I don't really have the thoughts on the cleaning products for a long time except for when I'm really don't feel like worth living sometime (this sound a lot more bad than what actually happened XD ).

When I feel really down and stuff, my face would usually become blank and I will be thinking about a lot of 'stuff' until that bad feeling go away. But sometimes I cried when no one is around.

And for whoever that have to gone through the pain of the depression, I don't know what you're feeling or what you've gone through, but hang on mate. Someone, somewhere, is really care for you. Don't just give up yet. Live a full and happy awesome life do you could shows life a big D on its face for throwing his lemons to you. (I'm also trying to tell myself this XP )

Love you all, and keep strong.

[charliesackett]

The other day I sobbed uncontrollably for about half an hour because I had twenty dollars less than I thought I did. And I am not nearly poor enough anymore that I should be that upset over twenty dollars.

I don't think that's the point though. I feel like when I finally have a meltdown like that it's because I've been pretending to be fine in so many situations for so long that the first excuse to be upset winds up becoming the scapegoat for a few thousand other cases where I was 'fine'. Also, I find it helps a lot if I acknowledge that I'm allowed to be upset and just let myself roll around on the floor screaming for a bit. Screaming into a pillow over twenty dollars for half an hour would have probably been a few days of misery and planning a suicide in the past if I didn't give myself permission to feel what I was feeling and get it out.