Don't bother replying. I'm not gonna listen to y'all, I'm that stubborn lol I'll probably get over this like usual. This is just a word dump bc I feel better just by getting my feelings out into a void on the internet
Been feeling like this since a few days ago, and thought about making a post here. But I thought I was just being kinda impulsive about it at the time. The thoughts kinda got worse, so here I am??
I'm finding myself to be just.. drained of everything. I'm not creatively at my best, my motivation to do anything's at an all-time low, I'm just bitter towards a lot lately, my spiritual beliefs are wavering a bunch, and I hardly wanna be awake anymore. And that's funny bc I dread the thought of trying to sleep these days, like pick a side, idiot. Not gonna lie, self-harm sounds amazing to relapse into, but then I'd have to actually get out of bed and get something sharp. Oh well. I'd like to say that I feel numb to all this on the surface, but I know I don't truly feel that way. There's a part of me that wants to just sob all these troubles away, but.. idk it also feels like none of that'll do me any good. It feels like none of anything is gonna help, and it's ultimately up to me to just figure this out.
I was seeing a psychiatrist once a few years ago, and I was seeing him for roughly two months. My last session with him, we talked for a while about my future goals such as marriage, career, education, all that and I had very little to say on it. I just wasn't thinking about it much at the time. He told me that we were nearing the end of our sessions since he figured out that I might've been depressed. (Not sure if he noticed my self-harm scars, that woulda been a giveaway on my end since I never hid 'em that much.) He then asks if I wanted to seek help and join some support group, and I was like "I dunno, I'm not sure if I want that" and uhh.. he told me something along the lines of this, "I can only give you as much help as you want, and I hope you'll forgive me for saying this.. but it sounds like you've given up on life already. Are you sure you don't wanna go there?" I just told him no and that was that. The sessions were over, I never saw him again, and I moved on from some stuff. I made progress on my own. Or so it seemed anyway.
I've been thinking about that talk a lot lately. Maybe that would've sent me on the right path.. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered anyways. He made it sound like I was almost suicidal. I tried to not present myself as that, but he's good at his job so.. lol I'm not particularly suicidal, but if I was gonna bite the dust... ehhhhh, not sure if I'd be too worked up about it if it had absolutely no consequences and it affected nobody. But I've got people who do love me, I know a few who'll even be deeply saddened by my absence. And me being the extremely subdued guy I am who won't outright tell them my feelings, I really don't want to impose that on them. I'd say that's what's keeping me from ending it all myself. Idk what I'm trying to say anymore lol it's hard to describe the feeling.
All that said, having to just bear it alone in private sucks, but we all got our own issues we gotta put up with. Maybe I just need to go outside more and hangout with friends, maybe I just gotta get a new diet, who knoooows