Feedback on my novel would be appreciated

[MiraC]

So, I’ve recently started posting a novel. It plays around with light novel type concepts and tropes, but basically I just want to know how it reads so far. Any feedback would be appreciated!

The Hidden Route | Tapas

[Lyric]

I did a quick read and here was the "big thing" that jumped out at me...

You're writing in 1st person POV (I, we) and that POV is a close-up and intimate perspective that writers use to get into a character's head and show her interior thoughts and emotions on the page. However, your MC is doing what I term "calling the game" without much "interiority". (Think of a radio announcer detailing the action of a baseball game on air.) In other words, the MC is telling the reader everything that is happening in the scene with the other characters, but we are not in her head at all. What is she feeling and experiencing as the action takes place? How is it affecting her? What is her reaction/response to what's going on around her?

I would ask yourself why you chose 1st person over 3rd person, and I recommend reading both 1st and 3rd person POV stories in the genre you write and studying the scenes to see how and why the author used this particular POV.

Hope this is helpful and not hurtful. Write on!

[joannekwan]

Firstly, the premise is interesting! And so far it reads fairly well compared to a lot of other stuff I've seen, but I do have a few points.

1. "oriental-Japanese" is a little cringey. I would instead write "The other girls seemed to be of East Asian descent, Japanese most likely since I swore I heard some when we got here."
2. A lot of the paragraphs are pretty lengthy and can be split up. Particularly ones where there are multiple sentences before a line of dialogue. I would definitely start a new paragraph with the dialogue in those cases.
3. I would like more time spent with the girls in the beginning before Nameless shows up to really establish each of their personalities. After I got through each of their physical descriptions, my mind kind of slipped and forgot most of it since there wasn't much to reinforce each character before they're thrown into the fray. If the language barrier is an issue, I would have them already given the gift of bilingualism when they appear there. It would add to the mystery and the 'what the heck is going on?' mood.
4. I thought it odd that no one protested more to Nameless holding them there and forcing them to play this game? I would imagine at least one to get really angry at him and threaten him with a call to the cops or something.

[MiraC]

Yeah, I was kind of iffy on how to word the fact that the other girls are all Japanese without sounding racist. East Asian descent is a really good way of wording it, thank you! It’s just really blatantly obvious that the MC sticks out like a sore thumb since she’s of Irish descent with super-red hair and freckles and I want that to be noted.
Thank you!

[MiraC]

I was worried about that, thank you. I think I need to go back to add some more to Gemma’s thought processes. As for the character intros, I mostly intend for the bulk of the girls to get their real characterization when the whole group reunites later on.
Thank you for your advice!