I personally second the bulletpoints for the tiers, it makes it much easier and faster to decide which tier is more suitable for yourself. Giving your different tiers their own small banner can add some interest as well, but I think that also got mentioned before.
For Patreon videos I found that I like those where the creator actually explains what they are doing, what's their passion and stuff like that (something that has a very personal touch to it) much more than just a ... trailer for the comic. The comic and summary of it are available already, your personal story behind it isn't. I'd basically put what you've got in the info post in video form (with maybe some additions/more background etc.)
It leaves a much more personal note and people are more likely to commit to a person they "know" than just a wall of text.
Something I just saw in your goals: maybe think of something that is a bit more long-term.
Not that your goals are completely bad, but usually goals are "what happens with all your money once we get there" - like you maybe want to print the first chapter once you reached X, at Y you will be able to afford a new graphic tablet or better scanner (thus better quality), and once you reached Z, you can dedicate more of your time towards making your comic bc you can cut hours from your daytime job (=more frequent/longer updates.) These are just examples of course but I think you get what I mean. At least I would guess that you want to keep your monetary gains from Patreon even after reaching your goals, so make sure it also motivates patrons to keep giving money once your goal is reached.
A tiny thing that I noticed that is more of a formality: maybe put the title of your comic in italics so that people realise you're talking about your comic and not what happens in cloudy nights. It happened to me twice that I got confused, and since people are generally lazy, not many will read more closely a second time. (Just a small heads-up.)
I hope this is somewhat helpful, and I mean you don't do much wrong since you obviously already have some patrons! Good luck!