Figuring out your opening line (we post possibilities and see what others like the most)

[impossiblesoul]

I'm thinking about how I can modify my opening line to be the most grabbing. That gave me the idea to start a thread for people to post their various possible opening differences and get advice back on what people like the most. Feel free to also recommend entirely new edits of other people's lines if you feel it necessary.

Here are some options I've mulled over for mine:

The autumn trees swayed outside his home, their leaves intermingling with the twinkling stars.

The autumn trees swayed outside his home, their golden leaves intermingling with the twinkling stars.

The autumn trees swayed, their golden leaves intermingling with the twinkling stars.

The autumn trees swayed, their leaves intermingling with the twinkling stars.

The first and second options contain "outside his home" because I'm concerned that it won't link as smoothly to the following part without it, which is:

The sheen of the window reflected the young man’s blue eyes and wave of brown hair. He was perched in the seat of his bay window, his arms wrapped around his legs as he stared on through the lattice of glass.

But I could be wrong, which is why I ask about it.

Moreover, if I go with "outside his home", should I put an "of" between outside and his? I can see how somebody might prefer the more formal grammar of "outside of his", while I can see how somebody else might prefer the conciseness of "outside his" more.

I could also potentially change the "their" to "the" in option #3 if I go with that one.

If you want to give further critique, I'm also open to that:
https://tapas.io/series/Conquering-Planet-Earth/

[joannekwan]

Reading the following sentences in your story, I'd say cutting it down to 'outside' will suffice since later you say 'his bay window' so we can assume he lives there. So it becomes 'The autumn trees swayed outside'

And personal opinion, so feel free to ignore, but 'intermingling' seems a bit clunky here. Perhaps "their golden leaves brushing against even brighter stars." And by including 'golden' this is assuming the artificial light inside is cast strongly enough upon the leaves to see their color in the night. Otherwise, leaving it as simply 'leaves' will do fine since you say 'autumn trees' and people can infer from that. If they're specifically gold, you can mention that in a different scene in the daylight.

[impossiblesoul]

I see what you mean by clunky now. My logic was that the "ing" in "intermingling" matched with the "ing" in "twinkling". I'll likely go with your suggestion unless a better one comes up. That seems like an improvement for sure.