First Chaper / Prologue Worries!

[akitsukino]

One of the criticisms I got from a writing excerpt I made was that I had a bit of “purple prose” going on. I had never heard the term before but when I looked it up I saw that it was an issue I had. I dialed back some of the flowery words and things definitely started looking a little better as I wrote more and more chapters. However, I looked back and realized that those problems may have still been plaguing my first chapter.

Keep in mind, I wanted the first chapter to feel different because the main character is reading an excerpt from a whimsical fantasy book. It’s not really indicative of the writing style that I use later on. The first lines and chapter are supposed to be what hook people in, so I don’t want anyone being confused.

I guess what I mainly wanted is some writing critique. Is the first chapter (which I guess is more of a prologue) a bit confusing? Is it too incoherent compared to the second chapter (which is guess is more like chapter 1)? I’ll take any critique you can offer; grammar, punctuation, word choice. I’m just trying to improve so let me know what you think!

Here’s the first chapter

The Puzzleworlds :: Chapter 1 | Tapas

And here’s the second for comparison

The Puzzleworlds :: Chapter 2 | Tapas

Let me know below!

[Masterman]

Actually, a simple formatting change would fix a lot of potential confusion; generally when a character is reading something, and we get to read what they are reading, it has a different font and indent, to show that it's a separate piece of writing. Not sure what the limitations are with the Tapas platform, but even if you wrap the whole thing in quotes, it would help.

[akitsukino]

I tried italics and Tapas got rid of them when I uploaded. The quotes could help though!

[storytimebiondi]

I feel like your biggest issue isn't language. The language seemed fine (though a little paring down couldn't hurt). What struck me was the massive block of text that was the quoted area. I'd recommend breaking it into smaller paragraphs to make it more readable.
Huge paragraphs are daunting to readers and may discourage them. Not to mention, they may think the entire work will look like this. So, break it up.
For making it look like a quoted book, simply use quotations at the beginnning and the end. Or indent it the entire way.

[ChristodeBoyet]

Tapas doesn't copy over italics and you have to do it manually. A box appears when you highlight the text you want to change.

Here is an example with italics.

[akitsukino]

Hmm... I hadn't even really thought of that, but I guess it is a bit bloated now that I look at it. Thanks for the advice!

[akitsukino]

HOW DID I MISS THAT !? THANK YOU!