Hello!
I read up until the first part of chapter 2. I want to start by letting you know youâre very good at descriptive detail!
- Some of your sentences are very long and could be broken up to improve clarity. A few of them I had to read more than once to keep track of what was being described.
- The story trailer does a good job of throwing the reader right in! Itâs my favorite type of hook.
- If you use italics to show something is a thought, you donât need to tell the reader it was a thought.
Blah blah blah, Blank thought
Instead try:
blah blah blah, Blank thought.
Or:
Blah blah blah.
- Does the ranking system of heaven follow the same logic as Solomonâs key for hell? If so, I like that a lot!
Ellipsis and stuttering are more effective when used sparingly. They tend to take the place of describing a characterâs mannerisms/emotions. A good trick is to say your dialogue out loud with and without those pauses to check if they are actually adding anything, or if theyâre just drawing things out.
EX:
âGuys, please⌠Letâs just calm down, okay? We havenât been back at the palace in a month so who knows what happened⌠Letâs just be thoughtful and hopefully big brother will give us another chance to meet our niece.â
VS
âGuys, please. Letâs just calm down, okay? We havenât been back at the palace in a month so who knows what happened. Letâs just be thoughtful and hopefully big brother will give us another chance to meet our niece.â
Donât be afraid to use plain old âsaidâ most of the time. It can look repetitive and boring while writing, but to the reader itâs invisible. The reader should be able to understand the inflections in the dialogue by context, how itâs written, and the mannerisms described.
If you describe someoneâs emotional response to something, you donât have to say what emotion youâre describing. It should be clear from the context.
EX:
âSeraphina mumbled in horror, big tears dropping from her eyes as she started shaking in emotional pain.â
âSeraphina mumbled, big tears dropping from her eyes as she started shaking.â
The beginning of each chapter having poetry is a cool touch! It frames the mood/tone of the chapter. Itâs also very psalm-esk, so itâs on-brand!
- The easter egg is interesting! It adds a little mystery right in the beginning.
- The charactersâ personalities are all distinct and nice.
- I like the casual inclusion of a nonbinary person! Theyâre my favorite character.