Gordon Ramsay Treatment (refreshed)

[ashleymaywrites]

I wouldn't have posted here if I didn't expect harsh, so I don't take it personally.

Hideki didn't spend most of his life abroad, but I understand my audience is not Japanese. What looks "atypical" to him needs to be pointed out to the reader. I understand this is outside of Hideki's viewpoint, but I don't expect readers to know that Suu is considered very overweight in Japan, when she wouldn't be considered by such an extreme in the US.

I understand that it's simply "language" in Japan, but again, my readers are not Japanese, nor is the book written in Japanese.

I apologize if I've misrepresented Japanese vending machines, but I did research that actually and believed I was being accurate when it comes to warm food being served...

As for the building, I did mistype by not saying "Japanese-style", it's obvious the building is in Japan, but I was trying to convey that it was a traditional style of architecture. Again, I don't expect my readers to know Showa-period from Heian-period by name, and I don't want to bog them down with details they don't need.

As for the LGBT points, this is something I've researched heavily, and I have spoken to LGBT people from Japan (more gay than trans, because it's more relevant to my writing). Much of my research was actually on LGBT students and their personal experiences, including bullying, but worse yet was dealing with teachers who were entirely unequipped to handle their situation. The statistics of LGBT youth in Japan who have been bullied, were taught in school that it was "deviant behavior", or self-harmed or attempted suicide as a result of their treatment, are chilling. While Japan is taking steps and growing (just last year they let a gay couple become foster parents), they still have a long way to go, and there's a serious lack of information both for LGBT youth and those responsible for their education.

My goal is not to cast Japan in a bad light. The episodes involving the subject (which won't come up til book 3 actually) avoid generalizations, and show peoples' opinions from all angles (a concerned teacher who doesn't know how to help, people who are more comfortable ignoring it than addressing it, characters who are concerned for a friend but who've never known an openly gay person except for a silly stereotyped character on a sitcom, etc). I love the culture and I appreciate the steps they're taking, but there's still a lot of progress to be made.

[beta1042]

Ok I'm gonna start with I haven't read your story, just the comments in this thread, so you may want to take these thoughts with a grain of salt, but.... I feel like your reply is constantly "the reader isn't japanese, they probably don't know xyz" and in some cases that may be valid, but not always. I think it can come off as insulting to the reader if you spell it out too much for them You say you don't want to bog them down with details they don't need, then why bother mentioning it is a japanese building at all, when that is no providing any new information either. Seeing a time period associated with the building description wouldn't bog me down. Even if I was not familiar with the architecture of that time period, I feel like it challenges me as a reader to learn more about Japan, which is a good thing. And if I don't want to learn more, it still conveys the idea of a traditional Japanese style building, but it sounds more interesting than reading "traditional japanese style".

Also Vending machines.... You can seriously find a vending machine for everything in Japan. That said it really depends on where in Japan you are. Like I didn't see the really exotic unique machines outside the really populated cities when I visited. So I think the vending machine depends on location. Like if you're in Osaka or Tokyo, sure, but if you're in a smaller city or a town, you're probably only going to find drink machines at every block.

[ashleymaywrites]

I actually did wind up editing the chapter to change it to simply "language" class, and a "Japanese-style" building. I think this is one of the oddities that seems MORE strange to Western/eyes ears, because the Japanese language does tend to differentiate between "Japanese-style" and "Western-style" things (wafuku vs yofuku for clothes, etc). To me, to specifically say a building is Japanese conjures up the idea of a verandah, sliding doors, the trademark roof, etc. I'll try to be more clear about what it means exactly in the future!

[dawgofdawgness]

Leftovers | Tapas

Is this thing still going on?
My series is a pretty quick read (with ~25 pages) but it has its flaws
if anyone wants to give it a shot, go ahead

[Zpreader]

It's been a while since I got some really harsh critique, but that just means I need it even more. Since asking for it in my comments and blog has failed me I'll jump in and face the consequences .

The Silk Flower | Tapas

Do your worst boys and girls. Tell me just how raw it is.

Just gonna boost this again. It's a fairly long read, but if anyone wants to give it a look I'd really appreciate it

[joe_galindez]

@dawgofdawgness It's a pretty low-stakes comic. That's not bad for a slice-of-life, but I feel like you're telling a story with a definite beginning, middle, and end. In that case there isn't enough conflict. Does Frances have a scholarship to protect? Is her family pressuring her to be something else? Does she really, really want to be a trumpet player? No, no, and not that we've seen. She's still in college no matter what, there's been no mention of her parents, and we still haven't seen her play music. The only problem is that she has to play with the leftovers, so really her only nemesis is her inability to follow a schedule.

The characters are well-defined, but without a good challenge they won't get to shine, and neither will their comedic antics. I suggest an infusion of drama. Maybe her father is threatening to cut off support unless she can convince him it's a viable career path. Maybe she needs to impress someone so she can win some financial aid. And maybe she just needs some cold, hard cash. Whatever happens she'll wrestle with her own immaturity and become the kind of person that her friends can rely on.

Still, it's not a bad comic and I look forward to seeing more of it. The other characters are interesting, the dialogue is on-point, and the funny parts are funny. I especially like the sequence of events that led to Frances walking around in plastic bags.

[dawgofdawgness]

Aaah thank you!! This is what I needed

I noticed the problem with the conflict, I'm actually (kinda) introducing it in my next update, hopefully it won't be too late.. I didn't know anything about storytelling 6 months ago, it was really that Pixar session that opened my eyes...

I'll definitely take some of those suggestions, though! Those'll make for a spicy story. Again, thanks ^_^

[liquidlilium]

Please don't assume your readers are idiots. Seriously it's one of the most hated mistakes writers make (even professionals). A common mistake is still a flaw.

So you have done some research, kudos. You should know better than over simplifying and making gross generalisations then. Because otherwise you will still sound like you don't have a clue what you're talking about.
As a lesbian that has actually lived in both the west and Japan, and have worked as a volunteer talking to lgbt from all over the world, I will stand by my point that you're painting a skewed picture.

And I truly don't understand why you need to set the story in Japan to talk about lgbt struggles?
You do realize that ALL the problems you brought up exist in the west as well? I have personally experienced all of them (when I lived in Sweden) expect I never attempted suicide above the age of 12 but I do know people whose close gay or trans friends killed themselves after being mistreated by health professionals, I'm just lucky no one close to me ever succeeded.

Seriously if this is all just writing practice and way to teach yourself more about different countries go ahead, just present your work as such.

Otherwise do consider changing the setting for your story. Why not a fictional amalgamation between Japan and different western countries? I'm not even saying this to be mean or anything but while you don't completely lack talent or anything, you're still clearly a beginner. Taking on a challenge even experienced authors would struggle with, if you want to create enjoyable work and start building a portfolio of works you'll still be proud of years down the line, is not a good idea.

I know it's frustrating not being able to create all the stories you want right away, but you have to adapt to your skill level and (life) experience if it's a good product or piece of art you want to create.

[ghostmaya]

I'm pretty sure I'm suck at grammar and art, but I'll give it a try and I'm ready for the harsh comment. Give me your best shot you @#$%^! readers >_<

Oh My Ghost~! | Tapas

BoyGirl | Tapas

My Wishing Star | Tapas

[shaylafarley5]

Anyone can go for it

ASCEND | Tapas

[dawgofdawgness]

Hello
I'm just gonna touch on the art for now since I don't think I have time to read all 250 pages of Oh My Ghost (sorry!)

• Immediately I noticed that all of your characters are always either facing forward or sideways. This can definitely work once or twice, but it can get a little stale after a while. Try different angles! They're a big part of conveying emotional scenes or dramatic moments.

• All of the shots seem to be from POV, so there aren't ever any shots where you can see two people talking to each other. There also doesn't seem to be much of an environment in the background, which can be confusing, since I have no clue where they are.. Are they in an empty white void?

• I'm also a little bit bothered by the amount of white space between the panels.. I get that that's sort of a thing on Webtoon and in Korean webcomics, but scrolling so fast to get to the next panel makes me a little dizzy

Overall, I think you may want to spice up the composition and panelling more. There's a lot of potential but you should really try new things
I really love how unique and cute the art style is, and how your comic plays out kind of like a movie. Great job so far and keep going!

[ghostmaya]

WOw~! All my life... This is the comment that I need to hear~! Thank you so much.

[NDmangaka]

Hey guys i'm the starter of this thread if you remember me from like a year ago lol. I deleted rune symbol and remastered it so can I get and updated gordon ramsey treatment ive improved quite a bit since then? thankss
https://tapas.io/series/Rune-Symbol

[CodeMonkeyArts]

Okay...deep breath

I am zen...I am one with the universe...I have let go of all earthly emotion and attachments...

I am a big girl...I have big girl pants on...I can do this...

...Okay...let me have it. Roast me. I am ready.

Birth of a Sin | Tapas

[Panpan]

PLEASE change the font of that first panel. I couldn't get past the first chapter since I didn't want to take the time to decipher it.

[KhanSpring]

@CodeMonkeyArts I like the art, but I feel like some of the plotlines are a bit too overused, too cliche. You express yourself well, thought.

Daystar (Dennica) | Tapas

[lunagraves714]

There’s a lot of grammatical errors in that first paragraph. For starters, in the first sentence,

“Bring the witch here!” Said the boy...

It should be, “Bring the witch here!” said the boy... (Lowercase “s” in said). Also “trembelled” should be trembled. Then “In his head was going,” (needs a comma after going) and you could do without the ellipses after murdered in the last sentence of the first paragraph and just use a period instead.

I’d like to take the time to say that I’m really not trying to be rude or cruel in this, but grammar and spelling is just something that really bothers me, so I’m trying to help you out by pointing these things out. (Please don’t hate me, I mean well )

Anyways, second paragraph, first sentence: controled should be spelled controlled. The last sentence of the second paragraph should also end in a question mark and not a period.

All right, I would go on but it’s 4 in the morning where I am, and I don’t want to drive you insane by spouting off all these grammar mistakes. The best advice I can give you is to run it through a spell checker and maybe use a grammar checking app too. Anyways, I hope this helped and I’m so sorry if I was too harsh.

Super | Tapas

Bring it on.

[KhanSpring]

English in not my native language, so when someone points such mistakes I am more then grateful. I always try to check before posting, but miss something. Spelling was never my strength when it comes to English.
Thank you for looking at my work. I will try to fix my mistakes.

[lunagraves714]

I know the feeling! I’ve taken years of French, but I’m still nowhere near perfect in writing or speaking it.

[NDmangaka]

fair a lot of people have said that