How to explain guys, that REAL rape is serious stuff and causes a victim REAL trauma? (longread)

indagold 2020-03-19 20:37:14 UTC #10

Why is this a male thing though, women are far more terrifying given the stigma around it and I personally nearly got attacked by one who told another women she preyed on she "wanted me" and i'm still terrified to this day what the hell she was planning. People laugh it off when you talk about a female predator and act like its funny or not as serious and its underrepresented in reportings of crime statistics. Should be analyzed regarding both sexes because women are seen as pure and harmless especially if they're lgbt with regard to what happened with me.

33rdCenturyCaveman 2020-03-19 21:30:32 UTC #11

Me feel there are no taboos in comedy and that it still possible to make light of horrible things that you have personally experienced.

unknown_user 2020-03-19 21:48:55 UTC #12

@skicoak I see what do you mean.
To show more clearly, why such doubts appear, let me provide an example of the last case, when I doubted, was it JUST humor or not quite.

Once I discussed variety of things about society problems with my ex, and the subject of sex workers came up. Among the other things, I noted that prostitutes are very vulnerable part of society, both because they're despised and considered as "less humans" by many people, and because their work is illegal (in our country). I told, that when a prostitute comes to the home of a client, she has increased chance to be robbed, beaten or raped.
The guy told in response: "What do you mean by "rape" a prostitute? To fuck her and not give her money after it? "
I had doubts, is it joke or not, because, as I already noted, dehumanizing sex workers is common. So I just looked at guy, trying to understand if he's serious or not.
He asked: "What now? Why are you looking at me, like I told something stupid?"
I told: "Because you really told something stupid".
After uneasy pause, I started to explain him the difference between sex for money and rape.
He told: "Yes, yes, I see. I was just joking, don't take it too serious".

If he would talk that it was a joke immediately, when he saw my reaction, I would not even remember this case. But these pauses made things look less than a joke and more like he told something between joke and what he really thinks and waited for my reaction, to turn it into more joke or less joke accordingly to it.
Of course, it's more than possible that all what I wrote is overthinking, I took his reactions too seriously and annoyed him by explaining him things he already understands well. But if I have a suspicious, I think I'll better explain just in case... I don't think it caused him (or any other people in similar situations) any problems, except that they'll think that I'm tedious and take some topics too serious.
But I think I have a right to overthink this topic sometimes, considering my background

unknown_user 2020-03-19 22:13:35 UTC #13

Uggh.
Surely, cases of female harassment also worth to be taken seriously. It's annoying to hear that people mocked on you, when you felt so bad, instead of trying to understand you and to do anything about that girl. I don't talk on topic of harassment, made by females, just because I personally don't know much about this topic and didn't face it in my life. NOT because I find it unimportant or something.

IdiotWithPencil 2020-03-19 22:20:07 UTC #14

ok whoever said this really needs to get their head cracked. Men are phisically intimidated constantly in highschool, the scrawny kid who gets picked on by the jock, or with teachers.

hell there is a video of a female teacher picking up a small kid by the neck and chastising him.

also here's a shocker about half of rape cases are men victims, wanna know why?
prison rape, yeah men get raped just as much as women, the diffrence is society dosen't accept it and dismises it cause men are stronger than women.

like you are doing right now actually

IdiotWithPencil 2020-03-19 22:23:36 UTC #15

tired_programmer:

Once I discussed variety of things about society problems with my ex, and the subject of sex workers came up. Among the other things, I noted that prostitutes are very vulnerable part of society, both because they're despised and considered as "less humans" by many people, and because their work is illegal (in our country). I told, that when a prostitute comes to the home of a client, she has increased chance to be robbed, beaten or raped.The guy told in response: "What do you mean by "rape" a prostitute? To fuck her and not give her money after it? "I had doubts, is it joke or not, because, as I already noted, dehumanizing sex workers is common. So I just looked at guy, trying to understand if he's serious or not.He asked: "What now? Why are you looking at me, like I told something stupid?"I told: "Because you really told something stupid".After uneasy pause, I started to explain him the difference between sex for money and rape.He told: "Yes, yes, I see. I was just joking, don't take it too serious".

sounds like he was making a joke and it fell flat, it happens from time to time, I think you are looking to much into it or you thought it was in bad taste which is ok, though saying he doesn't empathise with rape victims is kind of reaching.

to me at least

unknown_user 2020-03-19 22:24:08 UTC #16

Haha. Of course, I'm not going to go and tell "rapist, don't rape!" to the criminals. I'm more than aware that people, who do sex-related things by force, understand only a language of force by themselves. What I'm trying to do is to talk with normal guys, who have lack of understanding on this topic (see the update of the main post ).

That's why I want to make them care in a bit more degree.

33rdCenturyCaveman 2020-03-19 22:24:22 UTC #17

It still.not compare to living in fear the way most every woman seems to do. Women have to be wary of every single man in their lives.

IdiotWithPencil 2020-03-19 22:28:06 UTC #18

that's literally misandry, what the heck?

look if women are living in fear 24/7 cause a guy might rape them then that says more about the woman who equates all males are rapists

look rape is horrible but let's not turn the coin like this and blame it all on men, and fear monger like this, it's not helpful and the only thing your gonna achieve is to disenfranchise 50% of the world population for what 1% does

unknown_user 2020-03-19 22:29:37 UTC #19

@33rdCenturyCaveman @IdiotWithPencil Rate between men's and women's chances to be an object of violence are all relative and depends on particular men and women and particular society.
It's just... particular guys around me never were in jail or in any other places, where they could experience a "joys" of being harassed or raped. I can't tell about the whole society.

Sorry, didn't understand what did you mean here.

33rdCenturyCaveman 2020-03-19 22:30:40 UTC #20

Me not blaming all men. But when women disguise themselves as men, one thing they notice is how much more personal space they get as men, even very effeminate ones.

IdiotWithPencil 2020-03-19 22:32:11 UTC #21

well I can affirm that here in Mexico it's worst like hella worst than in Venezuela XD

Venezuela rapist would go to court with black eyes and broken bones cause the police would break them and the prisoner would destroy them.

we hate rapist like crazy, and we as a culture disown any rapist, though we will make rape jokes and laught at the victims if we find it funny. we will laugh whill buying a bat to break the legs of the rapist

IdiotWithPencil 2020-03-19 22:36:19 UTC #22

sorry maybe I can't write that well so I use the grammer check, Empathetic is the word I was trying to use it came out wrong

I just mean him not relating to actual victims is a stretch, like I can't relate with being rape cause i haven't been raped is crazy cause humans have Empathy, unless you are a psyco or sociopath everybody can relate to one situation or another

maybe his way of relating isin't the same way you relate. His way could be by making jokes while yours is by taking it seriously

we are all flawd in some way and our coping mechanism are diverse

KidJake 2020-03-19 22:37:12 UTC #23

Somebody telling me that I'm not allowed to joke about something immediately makes me want to joke about it. It may offend some people, but the idea that I should be censored to appease someone else offends ME; so we arrive at a moral stale mate.

Whose offense takes precedent?

It's not your place to explain topeople the evils of no-no jokes. Tell them you don't find it funny, but unless they invite further discussion you aren't going to 'enlighten' anyone by lecturing them.

33rdCenturyCaveman 2020-03-19 22:40:37 UTC #24

Me am reminded of how famous insult comic Don Rickles was able to get away with it: by being completely genuine, radiating good will, and ragging on absolutely everybody.

unknown_user 2020-03-19 22:49:48 UTC #25

Ok, now I see what you meant. I hope you're right about him!

unknown_user 2020-03-19 22:50:58 UTC #26

I never tried to censor these jokes.

indagold 2020-03-19 23:10:16 UTC #27

I heard girl on girl abuse is even higher than heterosexual, i'm assuming because of the stigma.

Cavechan 2020-03-19 23:12:27 UTC #28

It sounds like some of what you're talking about has happened in the work place. I just have to say that there are some things that while may be okay around other groups of people, are 100% not okay in the work place. Unless it's relevant to something at work, why bring up rape at all? Just don't bring it up or even sex in general. These are serious issues and anybody could take something as sexual harassment which can have consequences. Another is putting hands on people for any reason. Just. Don't. Do It. It's really about workplace safety for everyone.

IdiotWithPencil 2020-03-19 23:38:15 UTC #29

the problem with that is that you are basically telling humans to be machined, look in the workplace is just like a highschool just with adults, and it stands to reason that some co-workers will feel more comfortable with other coworkers and start saying jokes they would normally not say(I know women do this too cause my sister makes jokes about her coworkers smell and attitudes constantly to another female co worker, even making fun of the marriage of one of them no really nice stuff but hey it's funny), they might offend another coworker by accident, but should that coworker be chastised for it? I don't think so

also sometimes one co-worker might want to go out with another one, it is normal when two people share a lot of time and space together that they might want to try something, now if they are persistent after being rejected or are using their position to convince you then yeah, get the hell out of there or complain to the high heavens.
just don't do it cause they touch you in a nonsexual way or said a stupid joke, that's not helpful and actually thanks to that right now women in the workplace are being negatively affected.