Is that a script for a comic? Until it's a script (for anything), the
Hinan: (Bestest?)
doesn't make any sense. First of all, because that's how direct speech format looks in scripts, not in the novels. Second, because that's not how thoughts should look like, not in brackets.
Hinan: Knees down in front of the girl.
Like, no. It's neither a script, nor is it an rp post, and it shouldn't be this kind of rp post (which is not the good one).
Again, the beginning looks like you just describe the characters in very short rp post, just so people know how they look like.
"6'2" why would I need to know that in the first sentence of the novel? Call her tall, or short, or thin or plump, smiling or not, better yet - all of those, because it needs some descriptions, not "6'2 17 y.o," it's not a case file.
"Fade to black" - why? There is no fade to black here, it's not a movie =))
Maybe the whole story is good, but it's not really interesting to read a short script for a comic instead of a novel. Well, not for me at least, sorry for that. Maybe this kind of novels are doing great on Tapas and you are doing it right, who knows. So I wish you all the luck and hope you will take your time and make a good novel.