"I support you" but not really. (A rant)

[TL_Nonoke]

@LadyLily So sorry that it's getting you down! I hear you and I can see it's frustrating.

I think you're super brave for even trying to approach your friends/family to read your book. I was terrified and kind of the opposite. I'm also older and it took me a long time to get my work out there so I can understand. My mum of course read all my draft chapters because she's just that kind of cheerleader for me, and that makes me feel very lucky.

I also post on facebook about my chapter releases and my friends and family are aware, but I try not to hold the expectation that they'll read it because (frankly) I want a stranger's feedback as I feel like that's the purest measure of whether or not my work is appealing. Plus I write in a very specific niche genre so I don't think I can expect my friends/family to be interested in my work.

What I want is the thrill of someone I don't know telling me they have an emotional response to my story or that my characters moved them in some other way...that it excited them enough to comment, that's when I know that I've achieved what I wanted.

Congratulations for just getting out there. I love your story and can't wait for Xiezhi!

[crowstories]

I don't let anyone I know IRL read my novel, but can definitely understand the frustration. Nice words are basically meaningless when they don't match a person's actions.

I'd try to focus on the people who ARE interested in your novel, for the sake of your own sanity. Easier said than done, of course, but it gets easier with practice.

[carreonaiwille]

My younger sis used to spout a patronizing, sarcastic, "I support you" everytime. Like, I am your family so I am obligated to give you support but I don't really care about what you're doing kind.

I tried telling my friends that I got published somehow, and there was acknowledgement . "Ah, you're writing" and nothing else (granted, I have expressed so many times how uncomfortable I am with the topic my friend raises in the chat)

After graduating, I ceased telling people I know irl about my writing. I have sent copies of my story to people who I thought might be interested and I neve heard back.

Maybe this is why I spend most of my conversations on people on the internet I never met in real life because of the feeling of shared interests and a semblance of emotional support. (You don't expect much from people in the internet so the meager support and sympathy you get feels enough to go by) People I got close too irl, I can only contact online even before 2020. I didn't want to bother them because we all became busy and have led different lives. with other people I meet face to face now, I don't expect them to take interest with what I am doing outside of work. A bit of a segue, a family member once thought I was doing day job work in advance. When I told her I was writing (I used to keep rhe fact that i am writing a secret) she responded that writing is just a part-time job. I knew the statement was factual, but it rubbed me the wrong way especially when I have expressed many times how I hate my day job.

So, I kind of accepted that writing is a lonely endeavor and I cannot expect support from anyone. It is a big thing for me when a family member or a person I knew in real life acknowledges that I write. I joined a writing group recently so things got better, I think.

[UrMom]

I admit to being the opposite when it comes to family and such. My story is really niche, queer and a major focus is mental health. Most of my family are Trump supporter religious bigots with absolutely no understanding of mental health, so I don't like sharing anything I make with them because they won't understand it, and I don't have the patients to babysit a bunch of adults. Although I have to say they are rather supportive of me doing my thing, and praise my technical skill till the cows come home, in spite of our mutual disinterest in me sharing my work. Coworkers, kinda similar, although they're more cynical about the whole drawing thing in general. I never show my comic to them unless they ask, and they're still interested after my warnings, although I still get "I didn't read that much, it wasn't very good." or "It was too negative so I stopped halfway though." most of the time.

I can still empathize though, and it does mess with your self-esteem when you want to share something you're passionate about, and the other party just pretends to be interested. Although I can say some people may have a hard time with it in a way, like I have difficulty reading books, always have. I just can't focus, trying to picture the story while reading is physically tiring and my brain mixes up words sometimes. Some people are like that, they may also have difficulty doing tasks they don't consider necessities or personally enjoyable, and being told to read a story may not be at the top of their to-do list. Sometimes they just don't have the time, or energy to look into your work... or they could just be contrarian assholes who refuse to read your stuff because you asked them to, or don't want to read it because you made it. There can be a ton of reasons.

Not saying what you're pursuing isn't important, it totally is and you deserve to feel proud of what you've accomplished! I can just kinda empathize with both sides to an extent, I do admit to occasionally being one of those people who doesn't read someone's book after saying I would, but it's pretty much for the first reason I mentioned. (As embarrassing as that is to admit to having reading difficulties even though I'm creating fiction myself, and I'm a grown ass adult.)

I do have to say if this does affect you, and you've already talked to the people you care about how their behavior has made you feel, it may be good to distance yourself from them in that regard. Find other people who can fulfill your need to feel truly supported in your pursuits. I'm not telling you to stop talking to your loved ones, but find another group of loved ones you can share your story with, like a second home of sorts.

[crowstories]

I think you make a good point -- a lot of people are just not big readers. This seems to be increasingly true as we all spend more of our lives online. I know I don't read books nearly as much as I used to (especially since I'm always busy with work and my own projects, now).

One more reason to focus on your actual audience, instead of the people who may or may not ever get around to it, for whatever reason.

[ar-ninetysix]

Lemme just actually make a separate comment about what I said earlier lol I'm sure it'll echo a lot of what people have said already, but I can't be bothered to read all the replies atm

we bouta get preachy, let's-a goooo

You kinda have to expect that that's gonna be the general response from normal people if you're going into a creative field and producing media. Expecting people not to actually look into what you're doing can hurt, but here's the thing, while you've poured your soul into creating the finished product.. The finished product is all anyone else will ever see on the surface.

And if you're gonna do it for the hyped up reactions of everyone else.. You're gonna be struggling before your stuff gets good enough to consider looking at. That's kinda the bittersweet truth behind being creative and sharing things on the internet. Obviously, the question "Is my stuff actually worth someone else's time?" comes to mind, but tbh that's such a loaded question for anyone to ask themselves.

Generally speaking, in this day and age, everyone's comfortable with the media they're already consuming and if you decide to barge into that to say "hey, my stuff is worth looking at too!", chances are..

• They're gonna have to make time to look at it
• They're gonna have to make an effort to pay attention to it
• They're gonna have to form an opinion about it
• They're gonna have to then share said opinion to you if you ask..

Idk about you but that sounds like a hassle. I wouldn't blame anyone for not looking at what I'm working on when asked. And that's without considering their individual tastes, I'd imagine any actual criticism might vary from thinking it's amazing to thinking it's trash. Anyway-

What I'm getting at is that none of this is to say that no one will ever be interested in your work. Far from it. Just think about the possibility that maybe these people aren't who you should be aiming to please. I hate to say it, but they're not obligated to check your stuff out just bc they're close to you. Would it be considerate and nice? Yea, but let's be real.. Not everyone's gonna have the energy or the time glance at your work, and that includes your own friends and family despite that being against your wishes.

And that's okay! In fact, this happens pretty often for us creators, enough to make me confident in saying it's even happened to the big guys we look up to. I'm pretty sure a good chunk of artists and writers have loved ones who aren't interested in their craft whatsoever, but will lovingly support what they're doing. Use that support to keep yourself going, and be persistent in developing your skills further. Your audience will always be out there somewhere, so don't worry about few people nearby just not getting it.

---

Edit bc I can't resist making memes out of my responses:

please just- i beg you. read my stuff, listen to my music, buy some merch, idc just validate my slaving away in room for several hours in some way. "support" won't pay the bills y'all

[rajillustration]

I've basically learned over the years that if an irl friend reads my fiction, it is a sign that they are probably in love with me and we will eventually have to have that talk. The only friends that do that who are outside of that possibility read because they are voracious readers, or they are helping me create the story being written. That's about it. My own parents will probably never read my stuff unless I printed it out and gave them a copy.

[jmccubbins]

I can relate to this, a LOT. Because the first person to do this to me was my mom. But understand I love my mom and I understand education means a lot to people these days. Also, understand that for me I used to be that deliquiate kid. The one outshined by their older sibling's grades, career choice. Hell, even hair her hair reaches past her waist. While I was that kid who had detention twice a week because I couldn't get to class on time. I couldn't get to class on time because I had to put my backpack in a locker then grab my stuff and get to class. Then on top of that, I was being bullied.

When I tried to tell my sister I was being bullied by a specific girl I will not name. She didn't even believe me. My older sister instead befriended said the bully girl and would talk to her more than she would to me in a day.

With this in mind, I can begin to explain that around the same time I was inspired to write. I saw how a lot of my sisters, my mother's time were invested all into school and books. So I thought if I wrote a story interesting enough. I could finally have some of that sweet attention.
And it worked....kind of.
My older sister took more interest in my mom. My mom was just like "Oh that's nice." and then went back to doing homework.
At first, I wrote the story on paper. Then I typed it on my phone. Then I earned enough money to get a laptop and began working on the story there. This happened over two years. I came to my mom again and asked if she wanted to read some of what I wrote.
She looked at me with surprise and said, "Oh, I didn't know you were still writing that same story. ill look at it later."
So I thought I just wasn't writing well enough. So I worked on my craft more and more, over the next five years. She still hadn't read it. yet she had time to do so much more. until I came to the idea of...What if I read it to her.
So I convinced her that she could do homework while I read her the story out loud. This took six months to do.
At the end when I told her the grand reveal woven in the text. She looked at me with wide eyes and said it was one of the cutest stories she ever heard.
Still to this day, neither my older sister nor my mom has fully read the story themselves.
I've posted the story online now, and people help me. The actually have read the story and it makes me feel disheartened at times knowing that.
I've been working on the same story for 7 year and I realized. Most authors want to make others feel loved. All I wanted my book to do was make me feel loved.

[TedGravesArt]

I'm painfully familiar with this experience. Almost none of my friends have read my comic, even my artist friends, despite understanding how much of my life I've dumped into working on it and how important it is to me.
Honestly though, some people just aren't into comics. My brother loves and I mean LOVES the Marvel cinematic universe, but has never picked up a comic in his whole life. I understand how friends not reading your story might seem like such a slap in the face, but try not to take it personally. Comics and novels take a certain amount of work to consume, and that's not how most people want to spend their free time. When you ask your friends to read your book, in the moment they probably see it as you requiring them to do work for you, even if they absolutely love it when they finally read it. A friend of mine finally read my comic for the first time after watching me ink pages for months, and afterwards she sent me this really long set of messages gushing about how she was so glad she finally read it and was kicking herself for taking so long, and she wanted more. Before that I probably would have had to really twist her arm to read it, no matter how good it was. Your friends not reading your stuff has nothing to do with the quality of your work.
Point is your friends aren't your audience. Those strangers who read it and ask for more, they are your audience. Find more of them to read your book.

[TedGravesArt]

Nailed it. Couldn't agree more

[Shazic]

I'm don't even want anyone that I know on real life to read my book because I don't want want to have to ask them all the time the oh so tempting question what you think of my story. When I already know it's probably not what they like. I don't even ask my family to I didn't even tell them about it it until 2 years later... And I'm now going back to fix the first chapter ugg but yeah

I get what you mean I ask a lot of stranger on a game to read my book and they say the same thing to me oh no I got busy. But luckly because I don't know them in real life it doesn't really hurt when they haven't read it...

But I do know what really hurts when your partner think your writing is just a hobby when your it takes up all my time.... And they say to me oh it's just a hobby for some job that actually pays.... Your never going to get done with your story so let's go out already when I'm trying my hardest writing a chapter and I'm in the middle of it I feel that is the worst.... Feeling ever

On top of it they feel like I should be able to stop when ever they want me to... Like you been working on if it for 3 hours already or I given you 2 or 4 hours to work on it like it is some 9-5 job that should be finish up by then

That what really piss me off the most about in real life people around me

[Kotkoda]

I am kinda in the same boat. A lot of people say they will support me and follow my work but it never eventuates to anything. As sucky as it is at the time and as much as it hurts, at least I know those that genuinely like my work from those that just pay lip service. Just keep writing and keep being awesome!

[Azifri]

Hmm... I don't really share this experience. Probably because I don't expect others, even the ones close to me, to be interested in what I do. We are different people after all. When they say they support me, it means they will do everything within their reach to help me achieve my goals (and they do so), not that they will share the same passion I have towards my projects.

[LadyLily]

Good morning! Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences and offered their own perspective on mine. It's greatly appreciated and I love that this community is so close, we can open up like this with each other.

[joannekwan]

Yeah I don't expect my any of my friends and acquaintances, irl or not, to check out my work and I don't even talk about my stories in detail with them any more than the pitch line. I only elaborate if they ask.
I dunno, I suppose if I get too excited, it would put an unspoken pressure on them to read my work? And I would never want to do that.
Like when I launched my novel as a proper book, a few of my friends did buy copies. I appreciated that. But I'm not expecting them to actually read or finish the book. It's so far from the media they usually enjoy . I'm sure if they do finish it, they would tell me themselves. But I'm not going to ask them if they did or ask if they are enjoying it.

[LadyLily]

@joannekwan
My daughter talked me into creating a Patreon (like she talked me into posting here lol). I messed around with the tiers and then asked her and someone else to help me test it out. They paid for the tier that would buy a physical book. It automatically renews each month. I've said nothing. They keep paying me. I know they know and my daughter gave me a side-eye the other day when I mentioned Patreon. I just want to see how long it will take for them to mention it. (I haven't spent their money lol)

[joannekwan]

Haha, sometimes people genuinely want to give you that amount each moth! Don't underestimate yourself!

[Rhonder]

It is, unfortunately, par for the course Time is incredibly finite and while reading a novel or comic doesn't take that much time, it still can be a notable investment. I've learned to temper my expectations a bit- I expect any of my friends to check out my work or hold it against them if they don't. But it just makes me appreciate those who do check out my work even more

[Colours_dont_match]

Aah I can relate. Had a little stress with my friend 'cause of it, because he was super excited, happy and proud of me for doing a comic and wanted to watch the process and stuff. So I asked him if he wanted to beta read the grammar in my speech bubbles (cause I am no native english speaker). He gladly did for like 5 episodes till it took him days and days to take a look and then oversee many mistakes.
After he took like two weeks for correcting 3 little speech bubbles I stopped working together 'cause it took too much time, when I already could have uploaded.
I am aware these are jobs people normally get paid for (with many more hours of course) but it's not like we want a professional proof reader with strict deadlines and a strict working schedule and hours. We just want someone to take a quick look and maybe find the most obvious mistakes we overlooked at first glance.

If you don't wanna take the time to invest like 5 minutes every other week for a friend, then maybe tell them no from the start instead of saying yes and then be bothered by it when you get asked if you already (after weeks) read it.

[vholdfield]

I never expected my family or close friend to read my novels because most of them hardly speak English and I don't really like to talk about it with them anyway. I like to write in my free time as a way to express myself and relax and I don't really want extra pressure from my relatives ahah. But I do share some stuffs with one of my sisters and while she never read it, she enjoys knowing what I'm writing about and sometimes asks questions about it.