"I support you" but not really. (A rant)

[LadyLily]

Ranting publicly like this isn't normal for me, so I apologize. I was just thinking maybe others here had this experience and would like to share. Here goes...

If I had a dollar for every time a friend or loved one told me "I'll support you!" about a novel I'm writing but never actually wants to read it, I would be richer than an Arabian prince.

I know it isn't because I'm not good because the saddest part is that I've had strangers ask me for a copy, read it, and ask me for more. Strangers. People who came into places I've worked or hung out and heard me talking to friends about it. You know .. the friends who said they'd read but five years later, haven't cracked it open.

I'm grateful to those who have followed through, and I'm not taking them or their feedback for granted. It's just frustrating when you ask people you care about and think care about you and they show absolutely no interest. I'm of the mind that those people aren't "friends." It doesn't make it any easier, though. Especially for me.

I have severe social anxiety. That's why it's taken me decades (I'm 49 so I'm not exaggerating) to get out of my shell enough to even post here on Tapas. Publishing scares me. It takes everything for me to ask anyone to read my work in the first place, and the people I ask know about my issue. They know it takes me a LOT to ask and share my work. They still don't seem to care.

The icing on the cake? These same people will treat me like a telephone solicitor if I ask more than once if they've had a chance to read it.

My novels are usually fairly long, so I'm not expecting them to read in two days. I give them about a month before I ask if they've had a chance to at least read the first page or two. They always politely say no and give typical reasons why, like they got really sick or busy all of a sudden.

You know the type. You make plans and when the day comes, they say "something urgent came up" that prevented them from doing anything or going anywhere. Oddly enough, they went out shopping for houseplants or binged 36 hours of Wheel of Fortune or went to the dog park to flirt with Maverick MacNasty. There's nothing wrong with any of that, and we could all use a Maverick MacNasty in our lives, but not when you promised the person you claim to care about and who needs your support.

Anyway, I don't want this whine tasting to go on as long as my multi-part episodes. I know I'm not the only one who goes through this. At least I hope I'm not. I just wanted to vent and invite others to do so, as well.

If you want to share your link, too, feel free. Thank you for "listening."

[ar-ninetysix]

Ah. The ol' "I support you" which is more of a "I support your decision to pursue this, but I sorta don't care what you're doing"..

[nostalgicroxas]

I've had my share of experiences with people like this, and honestly, I stop even talking about my novel or work with them. They don't give me the time of day to ask about it - something that is largely the main focus of my free time - so why should I give them any? Honestly, I don't ask about their hobbies either as a bit of passive aggressiveness but the same logic holds. If you don't ask about my MAIN hobby and drive, then why should I care about yours?

The worse is like you said, the people who'll say "oh I'll read it!" "I'll support you!" and then I ask and they're like NAW I got busy. And I'm like, b&ch it's been three months.

I get that it seems to be for some people just a reaction to say that they'll support and care about your stuff, because they care about you, but when the actual thing happens, they just don't have the time of day to squeeze it in and they don't want to be HONEST with you and tell you they just don't have time to get to it in the first place.

[Pommie]

I feel like that's also expected with any self made media too. While I heavily appreciate the people who read and participate in my content and I just silently participate in theirs--

Some people just don't care, and I think it kinda stings the most when its people RL, yeah it's just people but if its closer friends you know who have shown less than a care about your story, then it's probably not for them.

[Wocalich]

I get what you mean, it hurts but I try to think of it this way: even if the people around me do care about me, they still have tastes and theirs might not match what I'm going for in my story.

[SleepingPoppy]

I think for a lot of people, the most socially acceptable course of action is to say "yes" and then just kind of avoid the thing. Some people aren't readers, some people are picky readers. I don't think this automatically makes someone a bad friend, but it's definitely up to you to decide what level of friendship someone is to you if they're not investing as much as you need/want. Both sides are valid, and you never have to be friends with someone!

It might also be a case of, like, a friend doesn't have the energy/interest to sit in read, but genuinely likes talking/hearing about your work. One of my closest friendships is a friend who will always listen to me prattle on about my stories, but she's not interested in giving critique, or feedback, and rarely brings it up on her own. She's fully invested, though. So it can be a matter of figuring out what terms work for the friend, and respecting their interest level or the way they're comfortable engaging.

That said, even if they're trying to spare your feelings by saying yes then dodging, I think if they really are a close friend, you should have a more explicit conversation about their actual interest in reading, how you feel. If they're not a close friend, I'd say don't bring it up unless they do. And again, see if they are comfortable having creative conversations about things instead, as a possible different outlet.

I personally keep my work pretty seperate from my real life. You are SO BRAVE to be sharing your work with multiple people out in the world. Whether they read it or not, you are being brave and awesome, and I'm glad you could get validation from whoever those cool strangers are that stepped up where friends have had cold feet. I know the situation is frustrating, but I hope that aspect can make you feel good. And I hope your friends have other redeeming qualities. XD

[Kaydreamer]

I can relate to this. When I first started my comic, I suppose I was expecting friends IRL to take interest in it, and read it. I mean, it's a webcomic, it updates every two weeks with an episode which takes five minutes to read. It's not a big ask! But aside from a small handful of people, a lot of my friends were just 'eh' about it. I mean, they were excited for me, but they weren't interested in reading a comic. Not even mine. It's not a slight on me, or my abilities, it's just not something they're into.

It's to the point now that, when I find out a friend has been reading it and just... hadn't bothered to tell me that they do, it's really delightful! I don't expect anybody to anymore, and that lack of expectation has helped lift that weight off my shoulders and turn it around.

[thedude3445]

I've gone through all this stuff before. My first web novel, I promoted really hard among friends and family, because many of them were very encouraging and even asked for early copies. Someone even paid me $5 to read an early draft because I didn't want to share it yet.

None of them actually read it... And over the years I've come to know that that's perfectly OK. Friends and family aren't our target audience, usually, and shouldn't be. Friends and family don't see the depth of passion we have for our work, and often the desperation for how much we need engagement, need people to read our work. Also, a lot of them read and then don't like our work, and are too polite to say anything so they pretend they didn't actually read it.

It is what it is. All writers and cartoonists should be aware going in that friends and family probably won't ever actually read our stuff, and that7s it.

[Daisy]

I have a friend who I always share about my interest in writing novels. I wanted her to read my novel but she has never shown any sort of effort to review or share her thoughts about it. She'd say she's busy but managed to squeeze in a novel or two whose length are ten times than the one I'm writing. I'm a bit discouraged but realized that despite the genre I'm writing is the same one she likes. The plot and the overall theme might not be her cup of tea.

Besides, it's not like I'm interested in the same music as her and even if she shows me her favorite artists and songs I would never be a fan.

No matter how much effort you put into marketing your hobby to your friends. They'll never be interested in it. There could be a few and that's okay. It's not the quantity of people but the quality and excitement they have shown over your work. My friends might comment here and there about my writing adventures but never bothered to ask me the link and read it. And I'm fine with it.

Find people with similar interest, it could be anyone in this forum or somewhere else. And they'll show better reaction than your friends and family who might not exactly be readers in the first place or have taste that is far from the one you're writing. You'll connect better with people who are also struggling and enjoying the same thing as you do.

[indagold]

None of my friends ever touched the 1000 page graphic novel I did. I don't blame them. Why let them suffer

[wispysing]

I understand where you're coming from. I think it falls more under social etiquette than actually having weight to their words. They want to be polite but in reality, may not share the same interests as you have. I've worn many hats in my life. I've got friends who talk about things I glaze my eyes over for hours, and in the end I'll just say, "That's great!" Then we go back to our lives.

They are excited for you, how you're finally pursuing something you've wanted for years, and not the thing you are pursuing itself. To them, perhaps, it is enough. Which is why community is so important, you can make friends with people who share the same genuine interest and exhange relevant feedbacks. You can always start a feedback thread around here

[LadyLily]

Thank you to everyone for sharing their experiences. I haven't wanted to interfere with the flow of the posts.

I definitely see all the points made here, and I'm grateful for those who saw mine. It does suck but like many of you said, we can't expect anything past the obligatory support from those around us. That they congratulate us and such can be enough sometimes, but it's still frustrating when we want those we care about to share our enthusiasm and get their opinions.

I mean, asking honest opinions of those we value is tough. Maybe they're afraid they won't like it and won't want to be honest because it will hurt our feelings? I don't know.

Thank you to everyone sharing. It's nice for others to read similar experiences so they don't feel alone in this.

[DesiredUsernameTaken]

Everyone has a different definition of and differing standards for what constitutes a "friend" but there's some things I feel like should just be the basic standard. One of those things is taking interest in the major interest of a loved one even if you don't personally enjoy that hobby on its own, because it should be personal. You love the individual, whatever is their passion is their passion and it's an integral part of them, either for now, or forever.

I always invest in the most beloved interests of those I care about even though 99% of the time I would never care about said interests from anyone else. It find a way to enjoy those interests through my friends or family. I ask questions. I learn about their interest.

People put way too much importance on having to naturally have common interests--the moment those common interests change, since people change and so do their interests, what happens with the friendship then? I don't subscribe to sunk costs and all but it seems silly that some relationships can fall apart because people just don't know how to invest in each other's most important interests (if you know said loved one doesn't mind you taking interest, and wants to share, as opposed to those who want their close ones to stay out of their personal interests).

Now, with that said, there are some interests one may never be able to take interest in, perhaps due to money costs, or logistical reasons, or time constraints, or crossing barriers one just cannot in good conscience cross and things like that.

In all fairness, reading is a huge time investment. But I also think it'd be simple to just say to one's friend upfront, "Hey, it usually takes me a long time to read and all and I rarely ever get around to it. I can probably only read a couple chapters because I'd like to get a sense of what you work on but I don't really have the time or attention span to be a long-term reader." Or anything similar. Communication is key, and ghosting something someone has sent you, if you okayed it, is plain rude and way more damaging than the risk of mentioning that to a writer. Even if you do okay it, you can always back out of it, because consent can be taken back. "I was really worried about hurting your feelings when I said okay, it caught me off guard, but I gave it some thought and I realized I can't commit to this." That'd be great. Totally normal and reasonable.

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You know the type. You make plans and when the day comes, they say "something urgent came up" that prevented them from doing anything or going anywhere. Oddly enough, they went out shopping for houseplants or binged 36 hours of Wheel of Fortune

OoOOooh I can't stand this . I know there's a balance: time off from work shouldn't be assumed to be "freetime" because everyone needs "me time", where they do what they want and they don't always have to be thinking about commitments to others and keeping people happy and all. But when this happens on a consistent basis it moves beyond "me time", it's just plain not respecting a part of your friends. Currently going through this with a friend who invited me out somewhere very last-second then...forgot she made the plan. And I was left completely hanging. Twice. One instance in which it turned out she decided to party all night somewhere, and she knows how hard it is for me to go out with people; I'm a house hermit, I don't like the outside unless it's just me in nature, and when things are last-minute it gives me anxiety but I love her so I agreed. And oh my goodness she couldn't even remember.

went to the dog park to flirt with Maverick MacNasty.

That made me laugh

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That's why it's taken me decades (I'm 49 so I'm not exaggerating) to get out of my shell enough to even post here on Tapas. Publishing scares me.

Congratulations! That's such a huge step. It also looks like you have quite a few stories and episodes up, so that's even more amazing Yayyyy!

[LadyLily]

That made me laugh

It was a Freudian slip. I need a Maverick MacNasty.
And thank you!

[beta1042]

I don't usually expect anyone to read something I made just because they know me or are close to me... which is why I tell near no one IRL about my comics(because yes it is really disappointing even if you prepare yourself for the disappointment). Many of my friends know I make comics but I don't share the titles or links or anything that could get them to find my comic. But what gets me is that some friends make a big deal and pressure me to share my comic with them. They have all this interest and want to see it and read it. And that gets me excited and then when I share it and they never read it, that is super disappointing. Because they had an interest, but for whatever reason they never actually followed thru to read it, which just festers in my head, why?

[TL_Nonoke]

@LadyLily So sorry that it's getting you down! I hear you and I can see it's frustrating.

I think you're super brave for even trying to approach your friends/family to read your book. I was terrified and kind of the opposite. I'm also older and it took me a long time to get my work out there so I can understand. My mum of course read all my draft chapters because she's just that kind of cheerleader for me, and that makes me feel very lucky.

I also post on facebook about my chapter releases and my friends and family are aware, but I try not to hold the expectation that they'll read it because (frankly) I want a stranger's feedback as I feel like that's the purest measure of whether or not my work is appealing. Plus I write in a very specific niche genre so I don't think I can expect my friends/family to be interested in my work.

What I want is the thrill of someone I don't know telling me they have an emotional response to my story or that my characters moved them in some other way...that it excited them enough to comment, that's when I know that I've achieved what I wanted.

Congratulations for just getting out there. I love your story and can't wait for Xiezhi!

[crowstories]

I don't let anyone I know IRL read my novel, but can definitely understand the frustration. Nice words are basically meaningless when they don't match a person's actions.

I'd try to focus on the people who ARE interested in your novel, for the sake of your own sanity. Easier said than done, of course, but it gets easier with practice.

[carreonaiwille]

My younger sis used to spout a patronizing, sarcastic, "I support you" everytime. Like, I am your family so I am obligated to give you support but I don't really care about what you're doing kind.

I tried telling my friends that I got published somehow, and there was acknowledgement . "Ah, you're writing" and nothing else (granted, I have expressed so many times how uncomfortable I am with the topic my friend raises in the chat)

After graduating, I ceased telling people I know irl about my writing. I have sent copies of my story to people who I thought might be interested and I neve heard back.

Maybe this is why I spend most of my conversations on people on the internet I never met in real life because of the feeling of shared interests and a semblance of emotional support. (You don't expect much from people in the internet so the meager support and sympathy you get feels enough to go by) People I got close too irl, I can only contact online even before 2020. I didn't want to bother them because we all became busy and have led different lives. with other people I meet face to face now, I don't expect them to take interest with what I am doing outside of work. A bit of a segue, a family member once thought I was doing day job work in advance. When I told her I was writing (I used to keep rhe fact that i am writing a secret) she responded that writing is just a part-time job. I knew the statement was factual, but it rubbed me the wrong way especially when I have expressed many times how I hate my day job.

So, I kind of accepted that writing is a lonely endeavor and I cannot expect support from anyone. It is a big thing for me when a family member or a person I knew in real life acknowledges that I write. I joined a writing group recently so things got better, I think.

[UrMom]

I admit to being the opposite when it comes to family and such. My story is really niche, queer and a major focus is mental health. Most of my family are Trump supporter religious bigots with absolutely no understanding of mental health, so I don't like sharing anything I make with them because they won't understand it, and I don't have the patients to babysit a bunch of adults. Although I have to say they are rather supportive of me doing my thing, and praise my technical skill till the cows come home, in spite of our mutual disinterest in me sharing my work. Coworkers, kinda similar, although they're more cynical about the whole drawing thing in general. I never show my comic to them unless they ask, and they're still interested after my warnings, although I still get "I didn't read that much, it wasn't very good." or "It was too negative so I stopped halfway though." most of the time.

I can still empathize though, and it does mess with your self-esteem when you want to share something you're passionate about, and the other party just pretends to be interested. Although I can say some people may have a hard time with it in a way, like I have difficulty reading books, always have. I just can't focus, trying to picture the story while reading is physically tiring and my brain mixes up words sometimes. Some people are like that, they may also have difficulty doing tasks they don't consider necessities or personally enjoyable, and being told to read a story may not be at the top of their to-do list. Sometimes they just don't have the time, or energy to look into your work... or they could just be contrarian assholes who refuse to read your stuff because you asked them to, or don't want to read it because you made it. There can be a ton of reasons.

Not saying what you're pursuing isn't important, it totally is and you deserve to feel proud of what you've accomplished! I can just kinda empathize with both sides to an extent, I do admit to occasionally being one of those people who doesn't read someone's book after saying I would, but it's pretty much for the first reason I mentioned. (As embarrassing as that is to admit to having reading difficulties even though I'm creating fiction myself, and I'm a grown ass adult.)

I do have to say if this does affect you, and you've already talked to the people you care about how their behavior has made you feel, it may be good to distance yourself from them in that regard. Find other people who can fulfill your need to feel truly supported in your pursuits. I'm not telling you to stop talking to your loved ones, but find another group of loved ones you can share your story with, like a second home of sorts.

[crowstories]

I think you make a good point -- a lot of people are just not big readers. This seems to be increasingly true as we all spend more of our lives online. I know I don't read books nearly as much as I used to (especially since I'm always busy with work and my own projects, now).

One more reason to focus on your actual audience, instead of the people who may or may not ever get around to it, for whatever reason.