[CLOSED] I will read your first chapter and give feedback! NOVELS ONLY, SORRY [CLOSED]

MHSly 2023-09-21 00:23:42 UTC #6

Burning Waters - Ongoing (9 chapters so far)
Fantasy/Romance

A harrowing journey lies ahead. The world has been besieged by a threat that none can fight: Water. Deadly, burning water. Atha must brave the final crossing to safety. Will she be able to keep her secret hidden from her fellow travelers? What dangers await her on the other side?

Hoku_1 2023-09-21 00:29:03 UTC #7

Thanks for this thread I was in need of this!
Here are my novels:

Plz tell me how you like it. if you only want to read one i prefer you read the Fading Echoes.

MHSly 2023-09-21 00:46:14 UTC #8

Opposites Attract

Overall a good start, premise is very clear and to the point.
Descriptions of the environments could be a little better, but I love the imagery of Alexsis struggling with her tie the whole way to school lol.
My suggestions:
Condense the backstory a little, or better yet find ways to sprinkle it in throughout later chapters. It just felt like a bit too much all in one go.
There is one paragraph near the end of the chapter where you tell the audience that Celeste was not happy to hear that Alexsis was admitted to the school. But how would Alexsis know this? Does she stay in contact with Celeste? It sounded like they hadn't seen or spoken to each other since they were 9. So I'd suggest removing that paragraph, or word it in a way that has Alexsis worrying that that is how Celeste would feel about it. Make sure you know who the pov character is at any given time.

Hope this helps!

SpookyLocker 2023-09-21 00:48:13 UTC #9

MHSly 2023-09-21 01:28:08 UTC #10

Please read the original post, not doing comics! Sorry!

MHSly 2023-09-21 01:43:01 UTC #11

Fading Echoes

Wow, I am truly impressed!
This prologue was very well done.
Descriptions of the rain, the tragic backstory, secondary character descriptions, all beautiful and making me itch to read more.
My Suggestions:
I find myself wanting more description of the main character Aoi. As of now I have no idea what she looks like, though I do have an excellent idea of her feelings and an inkling of her motivations. Although maybe you meant it to be that way since this is just the prologue.
Overall it was very good!

Hoku_1 2023-09-21 01:45:20 UTC #12

thank you and did mean it to be like that but people can see the cover or the banner for the main character's description.
i put a lot of emotion into this novel

MHSly 2023-09-21 01:48:46 UTC #13

It shows, honestly well done!

willmarstudios 2023-09-21 01:52:25 UTC #14

That's very sweet of you! I hope to be considered

Also would you consider the prologue a chapter bc I have one before my chapter 1 so not sure if that would change anything in your offer.

Thanks again!

LouisWinter 2023-09-21 01:53:57 UTC #15

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I'll even give you INK somehow.

NetherSlayer 2023-09-21 01:56:15 UTC #16

I'll be sure to comment and come back here to reply on which story of yours I've read, but here's mine for now (Just be sure to check the description for minor context)
Thanks so much!

MHSly 2023-09-21 02:11:25 UTC #17

Nulled of Color and Sound

I read both the prologue and first chapter, and I really liked them both!
Your descriptions really put me straight into the story, and while I'm not exactly sure where the story is going, I'm sensing a big adventure!
My suggestions:
Go over your chapters with a fine-tooth comb again. There were a couple of spots where I think a word is missing or something because I had to fill in the gaps with the context around it. That can take the reader out of the story if they have to do that. Sorry I can't give any specifics though, and don't worry, it happens to me all the time! My brain is sometimes too fast for my typing haha.
Overall very good!

willmarstudios 2023-09-21 02:16:00 UTC #18

Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated! I can believe that I could be missing a few words here or there. It's still very kind of you to read what I have.

Thank you so much! I'll definitely keep you posted when I get a chance to read yours

Anonymous_Phoniex 2023-09-21 02:40:49 UTC #19

Thanks, I'll make sure to change certain things.

Aeneas1 2023-09-21 06:07:49 UTC #20

Mystery.

England, 1982. Young Harry Brooker is on the run from a troublesome situation. Believing wholly in the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" he takes up lodgings in the small English village of Cubbington. But there are signs that all is not well in this village. Why does no one come to visit Cubbington? Why are those that visit the place arrested as soon as they visit? Why are the villagers so keen on taking walks during various phases of the lunar cycle? Brooker must solve the mystery behind this mysterious village, and nobody wants to let him find out...

the_puRple_hoRizon 2023-09-21 08:24:27 UTC #21

That's so sweet of you! THANK YOU!
If you still have some time to spare, I'll drop the link to my Novel here! (⁠人⁠ ⁠•͈⁠ᴗ⁠•͈⁠)

sleepykuya 2023-09-21 09:05:14 UTC #22

Hey, would appreciate if you could check out my novel! thanks (I’m reading Gaijan, and I really adore the descriptions you used, there’s a lot of detail and I can submerge myself into the story)

MHSly 2023-09-21 15:22:32 UTC #23

Spiral Knights: Project R

Wow, this story sure has a lot going on, I can tell you put a lot of thought into the lore and how everything came to be.
While I appreciate the note to read the description first, I feel like I am missing a lot of key information to get my bearings in this first chapter. I'm sure things become a little clearer as the story progresses, and I do see on your profile that there is a previous novel with the same characters. Is Project R a sequel? If so then I understand a little better that you can't explain a whole other book in the first chapter. It just felt like there was a lot of names and titles brought up and I have zero clue what they are haha.
Overall I think I get the gist of what's going on, a group of Knight Elites are given a new mission, but I feel like I'd need to read the other story first to understand how things in this universe work.
Hope this helps!

Edit:
I just read the first chapter of your other novel Spiral Knights: A New Home, and I really liked it! You show very well the situation the characters find themselves in, and I'm intrigued to know how they get out of it and find out what happened to their ship. Well done!

MHSly 2023-09-21 23:59:38 UTC #24

Lunacy: Being a Mystery of Lunar Proportions

Hi there! This first chapter is a good beginning, the pacing and little nuggets of backstory really intrigued me to learn more. The warning from the older gentleman (and knowing that the main character goes to this mysterious town anyway) makes me think this is one young man that does the opposite of what people tell him to do, haha!
My suggestions:
Consider dumbing down the main character's speech. I'm not sure how old he is supposed to be, but a kid that reads a saying in a book and decides to up and leave his family doesn't sound like he's very old or experienced. Maybe there are other influences to make him want to leave (I know you hinted at a lack of love and basic necessities) but it just seems to me that he is very young, and to convey that better you might want to make him sound a bit more childlike when he speaks.
Hope this helps!

MHSly 2023-09-22 00:14:00 UTC #25

Subject No_20195

Hi! I'm intrigued with the mystery of who the main character is and how he came to be in his current circumstances. His thoughts about kids were super cute and what everybody who loves kids is thinking! I also love the cliffhanger. Papa bear is about to explode!
My suggestions:
Add a little more description of the characters, especially the main character. What is he wearing? Are there any little quirks or gestures he does when he might be upset? He did just get rejected from getting a job multiple times, and it seems he doesn't care all that much about it. Maybe that's just his personality, in which case ignore me! But if it's not, I would expect to see a little more emotion.
That is all, hope this helps!