The Fool God
Hi there! This first chapter is super interesting, I'm really intrigued and want to find out more! The setup for the story is good, and the little prologue was great, really clued me in to how big this story is going to get.
My suggestions:
Break your story up into more paragraphs. Right now everything after the prologue is one big paragraph, which can be daunting for any reader, but especially those who might be reading on mobile devices. It is very important to give breathing room in between ideas, and to indicate when a different character is speaking. Basic dialogue would be presented like this:
"Blah blah blah," Character One said.
"Blah blah?" Character Two asked.
My second suggestion is to use less commas. This takes practice, and you may need to read a lot of other books to get the hang of when to put a comma and when not to. As an example, you wrote:
"Something vile, had permeated the air, a virus, I think."
You can simply remove one of these commas, and also replace another one with a period to make this section flow better:
"Something vile had permeated the air. A virus, I think."
As I said this will take practice and lots of reading, there are also lots of guides online about when to use commas.
I hope this helps, thank you for sharing and keep on writing!