Looking for any advice or critique!

[ar-ninetysix]

So, novel writing is pretty new to me. I've had a very rough basic idea of how the format worked, but I couldn't figure out how to describe scenery or appearances. I figured that having the art accompany the novel stuff would help.. but in doing so, I realized that I never went into a proper character introduction or establishing of the location. So, it became a basic "this happened, and then this happened, and then this.." which I'm understanding now is a poor structure to base your writing off of. Even with the art helping me show the scene, it doesn't feel like it'd enough.

So, I looked up a few articles here and there, and looked at some writing samples to sort of.. redefine how I wanna write my stuff. So, here I'll have my part of my first draft and part of the rewritten version that I just finished today. I personally feel like it's a huge improvement, but I don't know if I need more to it. I wanna know if there's any techniques I'm using.. again, I'm new to this, I don't exactly know what I'm doing, but I'd like to learn the craft better and knowing stuff I'm unintentionally doing certainly helps. They're really short samples, but let me know if this is a good direction to keep going in!

A sample of my first draft!

Wynona's eyes open up in an awake, yet dreary gaze. You've been at it since you followed me here last night. Move on already.. The undead are clawing at the bloodstained glass door of her home. She stares at them trying to get inside while sitting in her armchair in unusual way. Ya got me. I'm cornered in my own house, leave me alone with my dog. She glances over at Dusty lying down on a pile of blankets. He seems to be comfortable. "Up and at 'em, I guess." Dusty hears a snap from her and he gets up on high alert.

A sample of the rewritten draft!

A woman's eyes slowly open up into an awake, yet dreary gaze. The loud scratches that helped in waking her up were coming from the door. Still here, huh? You've been at it since you followed me yesterday. Move on already.. A trio of paradoxically lifeless, yet somehow living corpses are clawing at the recently bloodstained glass door of her home.

Their rotting smell and gargled voices pass through the door and an open window in the near-empty kitchen, neighboring the living room that she woke up in. She pays no mind to it however, as she's become desensitized to everything nowadays. She reluctantly sits up in her firm armchair and fixes herself up into a more relaxed posture, resting her arm on her raised knee. Though her eyes were tired, she still musters up a lazy glare at them. Ya got me. I'm cornered in my own house already. Just leave me alone with my dog, will you?

She turns her head away from the door and towards the floor. On said floor, there was a dog lying down comfortably on a worn-out pillow. She lets out a sigh and unenthusiastically says, “Up and at ‘em, I guess. Come on, Dusty.” And with the light snap of her fingers, Dusty quickly gets up and becomes alert. “They’re not moving anytime soon, let’s clear ‘em out.”

[ISNEKO]

"On, said floor, there lay a dog lying..." hurt my brain to read, but otherwise you seem to great grasp on this. Especially going from one draft to the other. Keep it up.

Try simplifying the sentence in question. Just go straight for saying the dog is lying on the floor.

But also take note that I am in no way an educated voice on this stuff.

[ar-ninetysix]

WHOOPS lemme fix that lol I don't catch everything I revise. Thanks for for the input!

[SleepingPoppy]

The loud scratches that helped in waking her up were coming from the door.

"There are loud scratches coming from the other side of the door."

The main thing that stands out to me is that there are way simpler ways to state things. Your sentences seem a little overwrought. For example in what I wrote above, since she just woke up, it's implied the sound woke her. You don't need to state it outright.

paradoxically lifeless

I just really liked this line. =)

She pays no mind to it however, as she's become desensitized to everything nowadays.

This seems like a good chance for "show don't tell". Instead of telling us she is desensitized, describe her actions and let readers make that connection.

She turns her head away from the door and towards the floor. On said floor, there was a dog lying down comfortably on a worn-out pillow.

"She looks down, where her dog is laying comfortably on a worn-out pillow."

Again, just seems a little over complicated to say a very simple thing.

My personal feeling is that while the rewrite is an improvement, something a little inbetween the two would be good. If the thing you're describing isn't important (like "she looks down") then state it in a simple way. Don't be afraid to say things directly!

Though take my advice with a grain of salt, I'm not much of a writer. I'm sure the more you write the more you'll get into the natural flow and it'll be fine.

[ar-ninetysix]

So, for simpler "in between" actions, I don't need to describe them as much? I'll be sure to keep it in mind! "Show, don't tell" is also a rule I gotta get a better grasp of, so this point also helps. Aside from that though, do you think the setting's conveyed well enough?

[deltastic]

Writing prose isn't the same thing as writing a script or describing an illustration- all different beasts! So it's interesting you came to this point when comparing your writing to possible illustration accompaniment. I don't think these are neccessarily the same thing- I do a lot of drawing from prose/novels, and a lot of this is the artist's job to figure out, not for every tiny detail to be spelled out in the writing itself.

I agree with the other commentors, that the main issue bogging down the writing seems to be overwraught sentences, or saying the same thing repeatedly in different ways, or multiple sentences that can be shortened into one.

She glances over at Dusty lying down on a pile of blankets. He seems to be comfortable.

could just be: She glances over at Dusty lying comfortably on a pile of blankets.

The beginning as well,

A woman's eyes slowly open up into an awake, yet dreary gaze. The loud scratches that helped in waking her up were coming from the door.

For one, I'm not sure why you dropped her name, if Wynona is the main character, you should always be using her name. Us getting to know who Wynona is, is way more important than our curiosity of "a woman".

Loud scratching woke Wynona. She peered at the silhouettes of figures clawing bloodstains in the frosted glass pane of her door.

"this happened, and then this happened, and then this.."

In my opinion isn't a bad thing, as long as all the things that happened are meaningful and with reason. Describe the scene as it applies to what is going on, not just generally, and your words will be read with importance.

In your two examples, I really do like the additional internal dialogue added in the second one, I feel it gives a good indication of her tone/personality but overall I prefer the first sample. It's short, sweet, and still explains what is going on. I'm interested to see what this lady and her dog will do, and it doesn't require three paragraphs to get there.

As far as "show, don't tell" I think it pertains more to emotional states. It's less interesting to say about a character "she was sad" than to state her actions and have us infer her distress or mood. It doesn't mean you need to describe the physical characteristics of everything seen, in order to have someone illustrate it.

Overall I'd say to go with your gut, and keep writing!

[SleepingPoppy]

Yes. And keep a general eye to sentence flow. And you're already really close on the "show don't tell", as her blasé reaction to zombies at the door does come through.

I think the settling is conveyed okay. That might be one where someone with more writing experience could weigh in. For me personally, I would still try to simplify a bit. It could fit more naturally into the writing. Depends on how much information you want your readers to have, too. Is the layout important? Or are you just orienting readers to the fact that she's in the living room of her house?

[punkarsenic]

this is a really good start! youve established already a lot of setting and character, but i think you can be more succinct

some notes:

• you have a few unnecessary commas. eg: "wynona's eyes open up in an awake, yet dreary gaze." - that comma isn't gramatically necessary and slows down the flow of the thing. dw, this is a problem literally every writer complains abt. whenever i get smth edited like 500 commas are removed (including oxford commas >:()
• i realise by the end that italics is thought, but until the speech marks are used its really unclear
• also, consider a paragraph break for speech & thought for clarity
• look out for places where youre repeating yourself / using unnecessary words. eg: "Dusty quickly gets up" - i dont think 'quickly' is necessary here, and 'quickly gets up' and 'becomes alert' are very close together in meaning as well
• similarly, watch for where youre telling us something youre already halfway to showing us. 'though her eyes were tired she still musters up a lazy glare' - this could easily just be 'she musters up a lazy glare' and we would get the picture.

would you be okay with me doing an edit of your second draft?

[ar-ninetysix]

Fine with me, go for it!

[ar-ninetysix]

For me personally, I would still try to simplify a bit. It could fit more naturally into the writing. Depends on how much information you want your readers to have, too. Is the layout important? Or are you just orienting readers to the fact that she's in the living room of her house?

It's just orienting, the layout didn't seem too important to me at the moment as she doesn't really interact with the environment much in this part of the chapter. I didn't wanna go in-depth on what the living room looks like with furniture and all that if it's not important, you know?

[ar-ninetysix]

Yeah, the first point about Dusty lying down. I tried to make "She glance over at Dusty lying down on a pile of blankets. He seemed comfortable." into "She turns her head away from the door and towards the floor. On said floor, there was a dog lying down comfortably on a worn-out pillow." but yeah, looking back on it.. it can be improved, even be a mix of both versions.

The second one about the name being dropped, I had issues with the narrator knowing her name right off the bat. I didn't wanted the narrator to know more than the reader, sort of being.. equal? The characters were meant push the momentum of that narration forward. So, yeah.. the name was dropped because she's alone with Dusty in this scene and there's no mention of it from her. Later on though, there's a flashback where she's having a conversation with someone else and that's where I planned to reveal her name and have the narrator start using it.

Your third point about "this happened, and this, and this.." I could see how that also makes sense, I never meant to say that it's like.. "you do it, and you're doomed." It's just that in my eyes, it starts feeling like rambling from a person retelling a story, like I normally would lol I wanted to get away from that and try something different, but yeah, there can be a compromise.

Thanks for going in-depth on what I had!

[SleepingPoppy]

Their rotting smell and gargled voices pass through the door and an open window in the near-empty kitchen, neighboring the living room that she woke up in. She pays no mind to it however, as she's become desensitized to everything nowadays. She reluctantly sits up in her firm armchair and fixes herself up into a more relaxed posture, resting her arm on her raised knee.

Wynona sits up in the armchair, ignoring the putrid stench of rotting thats permeated her living room. She props an elbow on her knee, and musters a lazy glare where the undead gurgle and scrape at her door. Ya dot me. I'm cornered in my own house. Just leave me alone with my dog, will you?

Bundling the fact that she's in the living room with other stuff makes it feel more natural. Especially since "she's in an armchair" and "the armchair is in the livingroom" kind of make sense as connected thoughts. I hope that makes sense? There will be times where focusing more on describing the setting would be more fitting, but since it's just some basic orientation, you can tuck it in to what else is there and it's not distracting.

[punkarsenic]

A woman's eyes slowly open up into an awake, yet dreary gaze. The loud scratches that helped in waking her up were coming from the door. Still here, huh? You've been at it since you followed me yesterday. Move on already.. A trio of paradoxically lifeless, yet somehow living corpses are clawing at the recently bloodstained glass door of her home.

Their rotting smell and gargled voices pass through the door and an open window in the near-empty kitchen, neighboring the living room that she woke up in. She pays no mind to it however, as she's become desensitized to everything nowadays. She reluctantly sits up in her firm armchair and fixes herself up into a more relaxed posture, resting her arm on her raised knee. Though her eyes were tired, she still musters up a lazy glare at them. Ya got me. I'm cornered in my own house already. Just leave me alone with my dog, will you?

She turns her head away from the door and towards the floor. On said floor, there was a dog lying down comfortably on a worn-out pillow. She lets out a sigh and unenthusiastically says, “Up and at ‘em, I guess. Come on, Dusty.” And with the light snap of her fingers, Dusty quickly gets up and becomes alert. “They’re not moving anytime soon, let’s clear ‘em out.”

Wynona's eyes pry open. Something woke her; scratches at the door. Still here, huh?

Three of them, paradoxically dead, claw at the splattered glass. Wynona squashes a wet cough, continues her thought: How long will you stalk me before you get bored?

Only their stench and snarl reach her, through the glass and... yes, an open window. In the kitchen next door. She pays it no mind. Dragging herself into a nearby chair, stretching her neck, crossing her legs, she musters up a lazy glare. Alright, I'm cornered. Now give me a minute to feed the dog. She looks away.

Curled up on an old pillow, Dusty sleeps lightly. Wynona, watching him, sighs. "Okay."

She summons the strength to stand, cracks a crick in her back. "Up and at 'em, Dusty," with a snap of her fingers, Dusty springs to attention. "They'll be around all week if we don't clear 'em out."

---

obviously this is just my take, im not recommending you go for exactly this - i just find that doing a rewrite of something helps me understand and show whats going on with it.

besides my personal flourishes (like 'cracks a crick in her back') heres some changes i made:

• i put wynonas name back at the start - through the name and pronouns we can guess its a woman, and this means youre establishing the characters name at the beginning. thatll be helpful later.
• im using a lot of short sentences to communicate A: the tension of the situation and B: wynona's own straightforward patter. also, personally, i think first and last sentences should be short and fairly punchy.
• i moved around some of the dialogue so things are revealed in a pleasing way and theres tension and rhythm between paragraphs
• added some active verbs to delete unnecessary adjectives and adverbs ('pry open' 'springs to attention')
• i think 'paradoxically dead' sounds better than paradoxically lifeless bc dead is a more active work, and its short and blunt, and mixes well with the sounds of paradoxically.
• i removed a bunch of information here and there that doesnt seem necessary and/or can be inferred. sometimes leaving something a little to the imagination can have a far greater impact - that said, im a poet by trade, so implicit language is maybe more my jam than most

[ar-ninetysix]

@SleepingPoppy
This is just overall helpful, and I don't have a reason to disagree lol solid advice! I see you had more colorful phrases whereas mine were just.. literal. I dunno, I had the idea that making things literal made aspects seem more mundane, which is kind of an undertone I wanted to go with, but making the language colorful can still represent that I'm assuming. .

@punkarsenic
I definitely wouldn't word things the way you did lol we're very different in that way, but I see what you're getting at. The changes you made did make everything flow better, specifically the bluntness of it all. The big thing is, you said, you wanted to leave stuff to the imagination, but since there's art accompanying it.. I'm debating on whether it should be so descriptive when the art's there or whether I should leave a lot out for the same reason. That's what I'm finding the most tricky

[SleepingPoppy]

Okay, I'm glad it was helpful! And as always, with a pinch of salt. I think the more you write the more you'll get a sense of that flow and not have to think so much about it.

I see you had more colorful phrases whereas mine were just.. literal. I dunno, I had the idea that making things literal made aspects seem more mundane, which is kind of an undertone I wanted to go with, but making the language colorful can still represent that I'm assuming. .

That's just flavor. You can strike whatever tone you want. ^^

[punkarsenic]

but since there's art accompanying it.. I'm debating on whether it should be so descriptive when the art's there or whether I should leave a lot out for the same reason.

oh yeah, if theres art to accompany theres no need to be so descriptive - you dont want the art to be redundant.

[Croik]

The big thing is, you said, you wanted to leave stuff to the imagination, but since there's art accompanying it.. I'm debating on whether it should be so descriptive when the art's there or whether I should leave a lot out for the same reason. That's what I'm finding the most tricky

As an author writing alongside an illustrator, my advice is to not let any concerns about the art affect the writing. I never do, lol. My partner and I usually have 1 illustration per 2000-4000 words, which covers entire conversations and scene changes. She has the freedom to pick the snapshots she wants to highlight since she has a better sense of which will be more visually interesting and enhance the scene than I do. If I were to think too hard about which specific things would get an illustration vs not, it could lead to some sections having an unbalanced amount of detail vs others. Let the writing speak for itself, and let your illustrations be the complement. It's much more important that the writing have flow and consistency.

[ar-ninetysix]

@deltastic @SleepingPoppy @punkarsenic
So, I tried listening to all your guys' input and retaining a lot of the rewrite's lines.. I gotta say, there's quite a bit I really liked from it, so I didn't wanna get rid of it all. But you guys made great points! So I tried rearranging stuff, removing some fluff, and adding a tiny bit more to Wynona's inner thoughts. I'm still gonna save Wynona's name until later though. All this while keeping your feedback in mind. I did end up preferring this over the original rewrite, and I hope you guys will too!

A rewrite of a rewrite!

Loud scratches came from the front door, waking a woman up. “...Still here, huh?”

A trio of paradoxically lifeless, yet somehow living corpses are clawing at the recently bloodstained glass door of her home. Their stench and snarls were the only thing making it past the walls and windows. “..You've been at it since yesterday. I’m so over you guys, move on already.”

She reluctantly sits up in her firm armchair and fixes herself up into a more relaxed posture, resting her arm on her raised knee. “Alright, look.. Ya got me. I'm cornered in my own house like an idiot. I’ve got nowhere to go.” She musters up a lazy glare at them. “Just leave me alone with my dog, will you?”

She glances downwards and sees her dog lying down comfortably on a worn-out pillow. With a sigh, she unenthusiastically says, “Up and at ‘em, I guess. Come on, Dusty.” and she rises up out of her chair.

And with the light snap of her fingers, Dusty mirrors her in standing up. “They’re not moving anytime soon, let’s clear ‘em out.”

[oliviaw13]

I have been working for professional writing services for the last few years and quite satisfied with my position.
I gained some new experience writing essays on different topics.
I've been thinking on how to expend the area I work in.
I want to try myself in writing a novel. I would like to ask for a piece of advice.
From where to start? Should I choose the topic fist, or just start writing?
I already have got an idea.