Need help with my synopsis (trying to make it better)

Five 2023-08-01 01:15:18 UTC #1

Genre is medieval fantasy...

Synopsis: After his sudden death, Jon finds himself in the body of the young prince, Zephyr, who had been murdered on the day of his enthronement as king. Taking the place of the murdered prince in this world, Jon is stuck with the ruling of a kingdom, and as well, a murderer on the loose. With a clear determination not to let his life slip away from him a second time, he decides to get to the murderer before they get to him, but will he succeed and be able to survive as a king in this world?

Any tip will help

Current rewrite: After his sudden death, Jon finds himself in the body of Prince Zephyr, who had been murdered on the day he was to take the throne of Ravenwing. Now Jon is stuck with the weight of the crown on his head while "his" murderer is on the loose! Determined not to let his life slip away a second time, he decides to track down the murderer before they can get to him. Will he succeed and survive as a king in this world?'

ueonts 2023-08-01 05:15:13 UTC #2

I think you should practice writing loglines

Lensing 2023-08-01 06:01:40 UTC #3

I don´t have tips but I really like the synopsis, good story idea and I think it´s well written

river121693 2023-08-01 07:02:53 UTC #4

Its good overall. It's specific, gives a good hook, and lets audience know exactly what they're getting into.

I think there're a few grammar issues and redundancies. "Taking the place of the murdered prince in this world" in the second P is redundant since you already said it in the first P. There needs to be a "with" before "a murderer on the loose." In general, replace loose terms like "get to" with something more specific.

"enthronement as king" is awkward, but I cant think of a better term for it right now

How I would rewrite it:

After his sudden death, Jon finds himself in the body of prince Zephyr who had been murdered on the day of his enthronement as king. Now Jon is stuck with ruling a kingdom while "his" murderer is on the loose! Determined not to let his life slip away a second time, he decides to track down the murderer before they can get to him. Will he succeed and survive as a king in this world?'

You could certainly spice it up more i.e "ruling of a kingdom" could be "with the weight of the crown on his head" etc etc

HGohwell 2023-08-01 07:10:08 UTC #5

I have nothing to add but to support all this, I was just trying out something very similar. It's a pretty good summary and really just a few rewrites to polish and focus it is all it really needs.

Five 2023-08-01 11:09:27 UTC #6

Woah... this is far better. Thanks, I’ll work and polish it to see what I can get. Thanks to everyone too

Five 2023-08-01 11:16:51 UTC #7

Current rewrite: After his sudden death, Jon finds himself in the body of Prince Zephyr, who had been murdered on the day he was to wear the crown of Ravenwing. Now Jon is stuck to bear the weight of the kingdom on his head while "his" murderer is on the loose! Determined not to let his life slip away a second time, he decides to track down the murderer before they can get to him. Will he succeed and survive as a king in this world?'

How is this?

HGohwell 2023-08-01 11:31:12 UTC #8

i think you've overcomplicated bits of it.

This is awkward and doesn't sound natural. It made a lot more sense of enthroned, or something like crowned king or take the throne of Ravenwing. Or something like Prince Zephyr of Ravenwing sounds more natural.

This, again, is very awkward. I undestand what you're trying to say with the imagery, but it doesn't read right. You don't bear weight on your head, it's on your shoulders. Or" is stuck bearing the weight of the crown." since the crown itself often imples the weight of the kingdom. And "is stuck to" doesn't work either. It should either be "is stuck bearing" or "must bear" or "has to bear" is better.

Five 2023-08-01 11:36:52 UTC #9

How’s this?

Lensing 2023-08-01 12:21:13 UTC #10

I like the rewrite but I liked this part more than the "his" murderer

Five 2023-08-01 12:43:11 UTC #11

Current rewrite: After his sudden death, Jon finds himself in the body of Prince Zephyr, who had been murdered on the day he was to take the throne of Ravenwing. Now Jon is stuck with the weight of the crown on his head, and as well, a murderer on the loose! Determined not to let his life slip away a second time, he decides to track down the murderer before they can get to him. Will he succeed and survive as a king in this world?'

How about this?

river121693 2023-08-01 13:09:34 UTC #12

After his sudden death, Jon finds himself in the body of Prince Zephyr, who had been murdered on the day he was to be crowned king of Ravenwing. Now Jon is stuck with ruling a kingdom, and as well, a murderer on the loose! Determined not to let his life slip away a second time, he decides to track down the murderer before they can get to him. Will he succeed and survive as a king in this world?'

I think the "crown on his head" overcomplicated things, sorry!

HGohwell 2023-08-01 13:20:12 UTC #13

It stil feels kind of overly wordy and overcomplcated. Personally I'd d something more like:

After his sudden death, Jon found himself in the body of Prince Zephyr, who had been murdered on the day he was to take the throne of Ravenwing (your tenses feel weird in this senstence). Now, Jon must bear the weight of the crown, and, on top of that, a murderer on the loose! Determined not to lose his second chance at life (slip away again kind of implies he did the first time too, but we have no details on that), he decides to track down the murderer before they can get to him. Will he succeed and survive as a king in this world?

Five 2023-08-01 15:05:04 UTC #14

Rewrite: After his sudden death, Jon finds himself in the body of Prince Zephyr, who had been murdered on the day he was to be crowned king of Ravenwing. Now, Jon is stuck with the ruling of a kingdom, and on top of that, a murderer on the loose! Determined not to lose his second chance at life, he decides to track down the murderer before they can get to him. Will he succeed and survive as a king in this world?'

How about this?

Five 2023-08-01 15:05:22 UTC #15

Oh, there’s no problem. I don’t mind

river121693 2023-08-01 15:05:56 UTC #16

I think it sounds great!

flourish 2023-08-05 01:34:08 UTC #17

If you are still doing this. I think my summary could be better:
(Mature Themes) The power to turn water to wine, the power to walk on water, the power to heal the sick....if harnessed carefully these powers could drastically shift the flow of a battlefield, and rare individuals who possessed such powers and performed miracles are called 'Miracle Workers'.
On the Shiva Continent, they are treated in high regard as war heroes but on the Poshi Continent, they are despised and murdered as heretics.
This story follows the life of Yeshu, a genius miracle worker who could perform all 'Seven Miracles'. A boy who lived a cruel and brutal life just because he was born on the wrong continent.

river121693 2023-08-05 04:54:04 UTC #18

For concise writing, try not to have too many pieces of information in one sentence. Your first sentence contain 3 (defining the powers, what they're used for, and who uses them). Break them down into SMALLER sentences.
You're using too many descriptive word-- you don't have to say "they are despised" because the fact that they're murdered as heretics already tells you that.
The last sentence is an incomplete sentence. I also think it needs some kind of "conclusion" that tells us more about the character's path. Like, we're watching his life, but so what? Will he become a new king? change the world? fight the power?:

My edits:
The power to turn water to wine, the power to walk on water, the power to heal the sick... rare individuals who possessed such powers are called 'Miracle Workers'. If harnessed carefully these powers could change the tide of battle. On the Shiva Continent, Miracle Workers are revered as war heroes; on the Poshi Continent, they are murdered as heretics.
This story follows Yeshu, a genius miracle worker who could perform all 'Seven Miracles," and the brutal life he faced just because he was born on the wrong continent.

Or:
Miracle Workers can turn water to wine, walk on water, and heal the sick; They could even change the tide of battle if they harness their power. On the Shiva Continent, Miracle Workers revered as war heroes; on the Poshi Continent, they are murdered as heretics.
This story follows Yeshu, a genius miracle worker who faced a brutal life just because he was born on the wrong continent.

flourish 2023-08-20 23:14:11 UTC #19

Thanks for the tips.
Edited version

Check out Miracle Worker on Tapas https://tapas.io/series/Miracle-Worker