Salutations! It's cool to see you've put some of your work up here, and good on you for getting so many pages done. I will let you know as someone who has done this, I wrote my novel first and then continuously had to re-read and edit it and it takes a LOT of work to read the same stuff, put it down for a while, come back and read it again with fresh eyes, etc. It also does take a lot to ask strangers to look at your work, so kudos!
I read through your "Book Peaks!" as you titled them, and I have some critiques/ advice for your work itself. (and trust me, these things do help with work flow in the end, I promise) I hope this is helpful.
The first thing I notice, is that you're ending all of your words in -es rather than -ed. For example: She plays with her hair as she stands up - versus- She played with her hair as she stood up. I've done a lot of script writing where this kind of style is used more as a stage direction than a narrative. For instance, in a script I'd write: She walks over too the table and picks up the knife- so that the actor knows "Oh, I go for the knife on the table, got it." To see this style in terms of a novel, it breaks my immersion. Now, this may just be a personal thing for me, but I've never read a novel written this way. I've only ever read scripts and stage directions in this style, so in my mind, I keep looking for stage transitions. Ending the words in -es versus -ed also takes me out of the action, I don't feel as though action or consequences are immediate, so it's hard for me to form a bond with the hero. You might do some research into the style so that your audience has the best immersion possible. Maybe there's a way to bridge that gap between the action and the reader in this style, or end your words in -ed if you feel that change will help.
In terms of the sentence structure, my advice to you is to try and cut down too much description while using complex sentences for the best effect. I'll show you what I mean using your first paragraph as an example:
"The young boy of pale complexion and black hair stands in a blank void. The world is gray around him, and the mirrored water reflects the empty sky. Alone and shivering, the boy scans his surrounding. His naked skinny body is covered in scars. The boy noticed a glimpse of a shadow. The glimpse became a gust of black cloud, with a figure standing in the middle of the cloud. The boy's face shifts to fear as he turns and sprint the other direction. The figure lashes out towards the boy and reaches out with a grasping claw. The gray void grows darker as the figure grabs the boy. The figure's faceless head slowly cuts open to create a demonic smile."
This is a good example of why it's important to "Kill your darlings". Essentially it just means that it's good to trim down on description or you run the risk of over-describing and breaking your audiences attention. I know that part is hard, especially because you want people to notice the actual writing, but at the same time you want the writing to become so engrossing that the reader's mind is in the world you made, and not on the page it's written. This can be challenging and it takes a lot of editing so, don't worry, you'll get there! As a start, consider trimming down to paint the scene. There are a lot of start and stops here, such as: "The boy noticed a glimpse of a shadow. The glimpse became a gust of black cloud, with a figure standing in the middle of the cloud."
Now, that doesn't mean it's bad, it just means that re-arranging some of your information in a different way can make it flow. Quick rewrite as an example: "Shadows caught the corner of his eye; dark clouds gusted about a still black figure." Essentially that reduced the sentence from 26 words to 15 and still accomplished the same goal while maintaining the description and atmosphere. This is, in essence, what Agents look for when reading Query letters or considering someones manuscript to be published: being concise but still being able to convey a story. Like I said, once you hit your editing stages with your stories, I'm sure you'll get these just fine, but it never hurts to have a heads up that they're there (otherwise you're digging around all on your own and boy is that time consuming, haha.). This will also give your readers a positive flow and could keep them reading.
In regards to the actual beginning, this falls under an example of a cliche: Waking up from a dream to start the book. It doesn't make the book horrible, or anything like that but, I will tell you I'm always turned off reading a book that starts with a dream sequence, mainly because it will likely not have an impact. Many times a character will have a scary dream, then the monster in the dream shows up in the real world a few chapters down the line, and then there isn't really a payoff for the dream sequence itself. It was just used as foreshadowing shorthand or character development shorthand. Now, this isn't always the case, such as with characters who are prescient, or go into other people/places when they sleep due to a power, it's entirely possible it'll pay off! So if your character has some mind-link going on we've yet to find out about, don't hesitate to throw that one on us when the time is right (don't be afraid drop hints along the way, hints are great).
All in all, you actually have a good start on your hands here, it will require a lot of editing but, that's the nature (and the fun!) of writing. I will give you some of the resources out there to help you, so that you're not just flying blind if you ever have a question in future:
EditMinion. This little tool is awesome because you can post an entire paragraph in it (or more) and it will highlight any trouble (such as weak words or sentences) so that re-writing while you edit is streamlined.
QueryShark. Now, I know you're likely not thinking in terms of Queries BUT, the person who runs this blog is an agent and though her advice is on shorter pieces (as a query on average is only allowed to be 250 words maximum), is still very solid for writing a novel. If your query has problems, it all comes back to your writing in the end.
Cliches to avoid in you writing. This is a list of cliches, and no, you certainly don't have to go through them all in one sitting. It's more like a helpful guide, if you think something you've written is cliche try to search for it on this list (ctrl+F if you're using windows, haha). It's good just to have on hand if you ever need it.
Okay! If you made it through this novel I've written for you, congratulations you have the patience of a saint. I hope some of these things help you, there's oodles of good advice out there and literally searching for it (either on google or just through avenues like this) will find you some of the best help around! I hope I've been able to give you something that'll aid you in your journey. You've put a lot of effort in so far and I'm impressed that you got so much done in so little time, your work is going to be great.