Cards on the table - Iâm not a romance fan, so I donât know the typical pacing and genre conventions. I like the narrator's voice and the diary style â it works well for the subject. The lack of names makes it looks like our narrator is being secretive in case someone finds her diary and reads it. Chapters are short and (usually) easy to read, which is nice. That being said, there doesnât seem to be anywhere this is going? Youâre advertising a toxic love but itâs been an in-universe year and nothing out of the ordinary has happened. Iâm not sure if youâre going for a slow descent into obsession or a sudden break, but the in-universe timeline feels extremely sparse. I would like the elements youâve brought up to be expanded on â multiple entries about making friends with the other girl who likes Boy, then an entry about learning her feelings, then entries putting down the other girl as she isnât competition. The same can be done for Girl #1. These repeated entries would show that obsession â our narrator is constantly writing in her diary about these things because theyâre constantly going through her head. As of now, the early entries feel a lot like filler, when I think you could really set up some good narrator characterization in them.
The description doesnât really match the story now â maybe things turn later, but as of the first five chapters, Iâm only getting the lightest taste of obsession. Also, a little repetitive to say, âthe year 2016.â Readers will assume âItâs 2016â refers to the year and those first words in the description are very important! Useful to be concise so the maximum info can be shared when you post your link. And I know you didnât make the cover, but the title is a little difficult to read due to white text on a black-and-white background. The âeâ really blends into the girl.
I wrote a lot to try and explain this next point but it ultimately can be summed up in a sentence: Chapter 2âs in-text events physically cannot happen in the amount of time youâve set with the date headings. If you would like me to explain why, I can, but I may need a diagram to show potential timelines. If youâre doing a diary format, the timeline must make sense (unless weâre doing some surreal time bending).
Other small notes:
Girl #1 â generally not advised to use food metaphors for skin tones, given the historical context.
ââŚwe sat on the same tables for classâŚâ Like, physically or roles? âOn tablesâ implies something like being âonâ a panel, while âat tablesâ implies physically sitting near each other.
âTo hear you talk about another girl to me was like a stab to my heart.â The number of âtoâsâ in this sentence get a bit repetitive.
âSo why?...â is weird punctuation. Iâd just do âSo whyâŚâ to show sheâs trailing off â the quotation mark ends the sentence, so the ellipsis afterwards is trying to fade out a sentence thatâs already ended.
âalso so happenedâ -> âalso just so happenedâ
âI wasnât very surprised, since half of the girls in out grade liked you too.â -> âI wasnât very surprised, since half of the girls in out grade liked you, too.â