The script is full of conflict, moves briskly, and conveys information without being bogged down in infodumps. Selena's got a strong , distinct personality and way of speaking, and it looks like the supporting cast is going to be well fleshed out. While I have A Gigantic Advice Pile, don't take that to mean I think the script is awful or anything like that. I think most people would remain interested reading this comic as it is now. I'm just verbose.
Unfortunately, I have no real prologue advice. Don't over-explain, I suppose? It will help if you can really get Selena's voice in there. If it's clear this stuff is important to her, it will feel important to the reader.
I think that some of the dialogue could be improved. Sometimes, the sentences feel long/wordy/convoluted. In other cases, it feels like the characters are 'talking the plot', or things are being told instead of shown.
Tthis may be the biggest example of plot talking...
I... Just wanted to come and apologize for you I treated you and the others today. I’m sorry, I’ve always had a bit of trouble getting along with others. The anxiety brought on by my lack of identity and pressure I’ve had leading this team doesn’t help... Could you forgive me?
I can't really imagine anyone saying 'the anxiety brought on by my lack of identity' in an actual conversation.
I also think the scene with Sunniva is mostly plot talking. That is, it didn't feel like the characters would actually be talking about her jealousy over not being chosen as a dragoon and the mysterious gift she was given if it wasn't to ominously foreshadow plot stuff.
Some example lines that felt convoluted or awkward:
. Especially after your little gift you gave me...
Would probably sound better as 'Especially after your little gift'.
'> Let’s just say that I have my reasons for choosing not to fight right now. However, That decision may change some time in the future'
Seems like it could be shortened to something like 'I have my reasons. However, my decision may change'.
Even though we know that thou would never betray us, how come thou never wants to fight alongside us or go on missions despite being one of the chosen Dragoons?
Just seems overly long and explainy?
It might help to try reading the dialogue out loud to see how natural it feels.
This appears to be a light, kid-friendly, cartoony sort of comic, so strict adherence to gritty realism isn't expected, or even desirable. However, the scene with the dragoons discussing Zephyr felt like it made it harder to take the world and its threats seriously. (I'm not exactly clear on the ages of the dragoons...if they're all teens, that would help explain some of it.)
Mostly I was surprised that the revelation that one of their group was the former apprentice to an enemy was treated more as malicious gossip that a potentially serious threat. Now I don't know the backstory, but I assume the Netherking is/was a Bad Guy, and in this war in the past, he was on the Bad Side. Being the Big Bad Evil Guy's beloved apprentice is kind of a huge deal.
So my reaction to this scene wasn't so much 'Flare is too mean', but 'Why is Flare the only reasonable person in this room?!' Maybe his accusation is less plausible with more information, but while I was reading, I didn't understand why people seemed more concerned about Flare making Selena cry than what they had just learned. Even with the Queen's support behind Zephyr, I would have expected some suspicions, or grappling with this new info.
Even if they're teenagers, they're still warrior knights fighting monsters for their queen and country.
Took me a while to figure out how to articulate my thoughts on this...but I think that this could be improved with stronger...narrative momentum? Tension? Right now, it feels like there are lots of starts of story threads, but no narrative through line yet. I know one is going to show up eventually, but having a hook to drag the reader through the narrative early is always an advantage, and its useful to keep in mind for the rest of the construction of the story.
I like to think of tensions as questions that need answering. The questions that need answering right now are:
-What's up with Selena, Flare, and Zephyrus's pasts?
-Is Zephyrus a traitor?
-What's Sunniva up to?
And the problem with all of those questions is that they're all outside the protagonist, and the answers can't be anticipated. They're also not really that interesting in and of themselves.
Amnesia, and any backstory stuff, and be tricky to make interesting. All backstory happened in the past, after all, and we have no idea what might actually be relevant in the present. I guess I wasn't sold on the importance of Selena and Flare's memories. After all, it seems to have been ages since they lost them. Selena has a position, power, friends, a home.
Is Zephyrus a traitor? No one important seems to believe so. Sunniva is up to something, but I have no idea what that is. So I just know that at some point this stuff is going to come up. But I don't have anything I care about right now.
What meaningful changes have happened across these scenes? Selena handled her first solo mission, but that doesn't seem to have had much long term impact. Zephyrus's past was revealed, but no action is going to be taken on the matter. Selena failed to get any new memories from the armor, and Flare's memories are still just memories.
I'll use one of my fave novels as an example of what momentum looks like, by comparison. The Mermaid Murder by Josh Lanyon. Different medium, genre, tone, etc. but I'm using it anyway because lazy.
These are the first few major events. Note that, as a mystery, in every scene the characters are also recieving tons of info and clues.
1-FBI Agent JW has been assigned to keep loose cannon fbi agent SK in line and investigate a potential copycat serial kidding. They meet, and SK is a jerk. Briefed on some info on the missing girl.
2-Arrive at police station. Turns out JW knew the police officer they meet their as a teenager, and it wasn't a great relationship between them, but JW isn't recognized. JW and SK disagree about what to do next, their first real conflict.
3-JW Tries to be nicer, but SW still dislikes him. They meet the Police Chief. They notice the missing girl's boyfriend isn't helping with the search, and decide to question him.
4-JW makes a sharp observation about the boyfriend so they decide to arrest him. Boyfriend pulls a gun on him and JW freezes; SK is pissed at him. Boyfriend chased and taken in for questioning.
5-Boyfriend interrogated by SK. SK and JW think he didn't do it; Chief disagrees.
JW has a goal (solve this case) and clear obstacles (general mysteriousness, shitty partner). In ever scene he's dealing with the case to some extent, whether that means interrogating someone or speculating over possible clues or just getting info from people in the know. His relationship with SK is developing from page one. First a generally bad first impression, then an actual argument, then attempts to be more accommodating, all culminating in him embarrassing himself by freezing when the boyfriend pointed a gun at him...which seriously damages SK's faith in JW's abilities.
The focus allows the reader to speculate on, anticipate, and worry about what happens next. What will SK do now that JW failed at a vital moment? Will JW's past relationship with the police officer cause problems? Where is the missing girl, and is she dead or alive? And I'd also like to point out that we get answers to those questions in the next few scenes, which all bring new questions with them.
While we can do that in individual scenes in this script (How will Selena's fight go? What will come of Flare's accusation of Zephyr?), most of them fizzle out pretty quickly. After JW tackles the boyfriend and they take him into custody, I want to know what happens when they interrogate the boyfriend. But at the end of this script, I don't really have an equivalent feeling. After all, Selena has been living without her memories for ages, and there's no clear method for recovering them, or for finding out more about her past. She can't be proactive.
I suspect a major inciting incident is going to drop soon, and the narrative will become focused on that, but I think the early part of the story could be made more compelling by giving Selena something to fight for right away.