Screaming into the void, don't mind if I do-
So I'm once again, only for the 10000th time in the last few months, feeling very dissatisfied and disappointed with my work overall, and it's killing my willingness to create anything.
I feel like my art will never be what I want it to be, and if so, then it's pointless to even try... I've been grinding at this for so many years already and I'm still barely mediocre on a good day. Like, everyone says, oh keep practicing, don't give up, you'll get there, but... I should've been much better by now, clearly something is not working here, and I don't know what is it.
A part of me is like, "well of course you're not improving, look at how little you're drawing, you lazy idiot, if you want results, you've got to work harder". The thing is, I just can't force myself to draw more. I very strongly don't feel like it, because I am so dissatisfied with what I make, so creating doesn't feel rewarding. It's a vicious cycle. Even if I manage to break out from it for a while, I always, ALWAYS run into the same exact problem sooner or later. It's not "if" these feelings return, it's when, and the in-between periods keep getting shorter. No amount of external support or encouragement can prevent it.
I can no longer just doodle for fun like I used to years ago. Art isn't fun anymore. Even when it feels like fun for a while, sooner or later it stops.
So I am hating myself for being lazy and not working harder, and it really might be laziness. How the hell am I even expecting to ever become a successful artist when I have literally zero work ethic? (I am neurodivergent but I hate using that as an excuse for myself, even knowing a lot of my problems stem from it.)
Another thing, only tangentially related, I realized I have few to none works I'd be actually proud of in the way that I could show them to irl people (or people who aren't into anime/webcomics/etc. culture) without shame and without feeling like I need to justify myself.
I think that means I'm failing basic fundamentals of what makes art look appealing or skillful. After so many years of being a "serious" artist...
I'll never be an actually great artist and I will never be able to make living, hell, even make some pocket change, with my work. I cling to art because it's my only skill and the only thing I feel like I have going on for me, but I am so unimpressive at it that can't even prove my worth through it.
Well that was frgmnt's void rant, thank you for your attention. I needed to vent, okay.