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May 2022

I need to write a 20-page review about dysregulated arousal in psychosis and its implications or cognition in ... 12 days. I also have ADHD so I started doing the necessary reading a few days ago and barely managed to read a paper a day. Today I finally got a burst of motivation after discussing the topic with my mum and finding out I actually know a great deal and have a structure in mind but there's some things that I need to read more about to fill in some gaps and ofc I need more sources. So I started reading a review about LC activity and cognition, which I already know a thing or two about because I'd been studying arousal/LC activity and its role in decision-making. I went into it feeling motivated, I was interested in the paper, reading it was fun, and I retained ... nothing. I tried to summarise what I'd read, or at least talk about a few important points I'd read afterwards. Nothing. My memory was wiped clean. I spent HOURS reading this thing, and those hours are wasted. And I need to do a lot more reading and then write those 20 pages too.

But it gets worse. I vented about it to a friend, and her first response was "dw that's normal you need to read papers more than once all people need that :)))"
And then when she offered advice it was
1) You need more time (impossible, can't extend the deadline),
2) You need ADHD meds (impossible, I don't have an official diagnosis yet because the healthcare system is shit and impossible to navigate)
3) Take breaks in between and reward yourself if the reading doesn't give you dopamine (that's not the problem in this case, and also that approach doesn't work for me because it takes me ages to transition between tasks so I'd be wasting more time if I reward myself every hour, also I was started to hyperfixate on my topic and enjoy it so that's not the main issue)
4) shit :slight_smile:

That same friend lives in a fucking fantasy world where everything is possible and everything is fine and you're always rewarded for your effort and your best is always good enough and people will always be understanding and there's a solution to every problem. And she's not the only one. I love how 90% of all advice is either the most obvious thing imaginable or "just be neurotypical" or "the world will adapt to you and things will work out if you just try hard enough" or "just believe that things will be good and then things will be good" and when they're presented with the cold harsh reality that that's not always the case it's always your fault, you just didn't try hard enough, you just didn't try everything.

I'm rereading the fucking paper now. Wasted an entire day on it. Because my stupid fucking brain can't take in and retain information like a normal person. But suuuuuure that's normal don't worry it's normal to retain 0% all the time just extend the hard deadline it'll be fine. :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile:

8 days later

If I don't see at least one "Triggered" meme here, I swear...

My boy Killer here has a really interesting piece of backstory in Hopetale but I don't think anyone will ever see it because I can't make it fit in my main storyline but I don't want to tell it to anyone in case I do make it fit!


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Me trying to send an email to my professor 3 fucking times only to have poster master say "tHERE tOO biG tHEYRE oVER 25mg" BULLSHIT THEY WERENT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Thank you! I'm proud of both his design and his character arc in the Hopetale Saga. You won't see a lot of him in this first story, but he becomes a prominent character in the sequel. I can't wait until I can start actually writing it :grin:

Went to the theatre to watch the new strange movie but all the seats were sold out and it was the last showing

All I can say to that is good luck and I totally get that.

Good luck!!

(I am frustrated right now because I want to finish things faster and I can't and it is very hot in this room aaargh)

I have several different dark grays on my palate and I just lined Ink's face with one of those instead of black so now I have to do it all over again! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
It wouldn't even be that big a deal if it weren't the same shade as his eye sockets :rage:
Edit: And now I have a new problem in the form of how FREAKING PAINFUL IT IS TO TORMENT MY MC! But I need to do it or we won't have a time crunch!
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Here's what I'm talking about:

11 days later

"I have no mouth, and I must scream"
(Credit to Harlan Ellison and the Cyberdreams team)

I'm surprised we got this far without this popping up. Do I really need a reason? Here I am a bag of meat evolution has gifted sentience and endless freedom of thought, but not the capacity to understand what I have been given.

I just saw a meme.
A: What does "Nani" mean?
B: "What."
It just escalates from there.
Lots of screaming, including me from laughter.

Well ... She got me. Miss Rona finally got me. Fuck this shit.