The Unknown by C.E. Wells

@HGohwell HgOhwell
Sun, 28 May 2023 14:33:41 +0000

@HGohwell wrote:

Hi, so, I'll give you thoughts as I read, and see how far I get as a critical reader. I'll try not to be too harsh and nitpicking, but feedback is feedback and what's harsh to one can be fair to another. So please know, I'm never trying to be rude, and of course, it's all my opinion.

First of all, why is the first letter of your summary not capitalised? That's a sloppy first impression. Your cover is solid enough and your summary does the job, although a little more detail might not hurt if you can find a way to do it, but it gives me the impression the world is more of a focus than the character.

Prelude (I love a prelude over a prologue, underused word tbh):
Personally, I think you can get rid of the "...to the events of The Unknown" bit. A simple "a few months prior" would do. It's a bit clunky.

I don't know if English is not your first language, I've seen this a lot in people who have English as their second language, but you use full stops between your dialogue tags:

"...Application denied." says a burly...

You do this a lot, so I won't point it out every time, but it should really be a coma:

"...Application denied," says a burly...

Also, tagging the description onto the end of the dialogue tag like that is very clunky. It becomes a very long sentence. Wide and tall is sorta a given with burly too. Maybe try shuffling that around a little for better flow, something more like:

"I'm sorry, Loc (also yes, coma's before names generally)," the headmaster says. He's a burly, older elven man, with a massive salt and pepper beard. "But I simply..."

Try reading the sentences out loud, it can help figure out the flow.

This bit:

Vardinn bellows forth with determination and anger.

Bellowing is already a sign of anger, the fact that he's arguing should show determination, but the dialogue he's speaking doesn't feel particularly either. A good tip is that you should be able to tell what a character is feeling without having to say it in the narrative 90% of the time. Vardinn actually sounds like he's making a logical, rational argument, more like a debate. It doesn't really fit.

The description heading out of the headmaster's office is pretty non-existent. That's a good chance to world and character build. Even briefly. Is Vardinn stomping, is he taking it with grace? Is the front entrance grand or run down? Are the stairs stone or wood? Are the halls empty? Little things can make the world come alive and I can't picture anything but the headmaster's beard right now.

This is an awkward break up:

"...the King himself! If no one will listen!"

Just, say that outloud. "...the King himself!(pause) If no one will listen!" Its not natural. Again, just a bit of rearranging and rewording can fix it easily. If you want a pause there something more like:

"All denied .I'm the (instead of What's the point of)... to the King himself! Why won't anyone listen?"

Another odd pause after "Appearing like a mariage. (pause) Waving into view..." That's very odd, feeling like it should be one sentence. He's wearing the same uniform, but I don't know what that is. Even a colour or style would help. Military uniform? Green uniform?

While I'd consider rewording it, maybe stop and "he says" remove the "as" and have it as a separate sentence, this:

"...he turns and lays his head on the mans' (that should be man's) lap, staring into his dual colored eyes."

That's nice. That says a lot about their characters really quickly.

Very odd capitalisation here. Watch for that. You shouldn't be capitalised.

"I believe You believe you can do it."

You've already had a "Sev says" in the next paragraph. You don't need another "he says" at the end.

You could probably work the "A few weeks pass" into the prose somehow. Also, I don't know why you're trying to make Vardinn mysterious to us, especially if you're not going to keep up the mystery. Just say Vardinn is in a hood.

Cool description of the rabbit man. Works well.

Alot of my criticism from here would just be repeating previous stuff, watch for rogue grammar mistakes, especially in your first episode, gotta make a good first impression, try reading outloud because some of these sentences could use a bit of rearranging to flow better.

Vardinn agreeing to the rules but knowing its a lie is a cool character moment. Good character building there.

There's not a lot of description throughout the episode. I don't really know what time period we're in, I assume historical given the way the people talk but I couldn't place any outfits or buildings.

I've taken a quick glance at the second episode, and maybe I'll come back to it and give you some more feedback if you want, but this is taking a while, but it seems like you've changed style oddly? I mean it's not entirely weird to change style from prologue/prelude to main story, but it is an odd shift. Totally taken by surprise at the description of Loc and you changed tense mid-scene which is odd.

Overall, by far not terrible. Pretty decent, with some good moments in there, but it does feel like it need a bit of polish to be the banging first impression you want to hook people in with.