Just how much it takes to be at least decent, not even good or perfect.
Why I keep making mistakes? Why can't I learn from my mistakes? Did I need to punish myself harsher?
It's tiring to keep pretending to walk in my path of progress of learning. It's tiring to correct things over and over. It's tiring to realize I'm still inside my disgusting self who can't do anything for real.
It's so annoying to have a little deluded episodes thinking I'm actually decent to find out I'm worse than bad. It feels so betraying and humiliating. It just...
I think the "It's the journey/progress/learning which matters" is just an excuse. People only judge and know worth of the result, they see our creation not the people behind it. It's not important, we are just names and signatures on the corner of our painting. Our worth is basically what we make, what we contribute, what others think of us; isn't the point of society is like that? And I bet we'd naturally adore good people who makes no mistake than good people who do, even if the latter learns from it.
I would trade my sanity for skill as the half of my brain is rotting because I keep worrying about it, at least when I'm actually good at something I won't have to worry about it.
Any suggestion for minimalizing mistakes? Like a shortcut? An editing technique? Or should I just delete everything and study more in private to gain more skill, rather than exposing my dumbassery and ruining it for everyone? I'm just tired.