The first day at work. All new interns, staying today, receive instructions, perform all needed set-up actions and are oriented together. There are a lot of people in colourful clothes of all colours around, TALKING VERY LOUDLY, which greatly overwhelms my brain, gives me headache and make it even harder to understand what's going on. Most of them speak english fluently and quickly, so I barely understand 50% of what they speak and often have to ask again for a several times, when they talk to me.
I am the main slowpoke in the group, as always. Because of all distracting factors, language barrier and a lot of unaccustomed things around, I barely can follow the instructions, and I do everything only after all other people did, so I feel like I'm the most stupid of them.
The most irritating part is, that most of other people around look happy and excited, and I don't. What have I done wrong? Why this doesn't make me happy, as it make others happy? Why my brain can't produce enough endorphins, serotonin and dopamine to make me feel good?! I feel like I MUST be happy, but I'm not.
I feel really strong urge to run away from the office. Too bad I must to get grisp on myself and hold out untill the end of the work day before I will be able to plunge into deep end of sweet unhealthy dependences and bad habits which helps me to deal with stress at least somehow.
So all I can do for now is to just watch into the wall for a half of an hour during the break to gain new strength to deal with all of this for the next three hours.
My brain definitely just isn't designed to be happy, as other's are.