COMMENTARY LYRICS:
VERSE 1
(Meets Kris.)
Woah! If it isn’t a Lightner!
Hey hey hey!
(Maybe unintentionally starts venting about his own life.)
Looks like you’re [[all alone on a late night?]]
All your friends [[abandoned you for the slime]] you are?
Sales gone down the [[drain]] [[drain]]?
Living in a ******* garbage can?!
Haeahaeahaeahaeah!
(Attempts to buy Kris' soul.)
Friend, either you're [[closing your eyes]]
To [[savings]] you do not wish to acknowledge
Or you are not aware of the calibre of [[discounts]]
Indicated by the presence of a [[heart shaped object]]
In your community
Hey kid, look at you! Right time, right place
[[Ripe for the picking]] Right money in your pocket!
You’re so lucky! Very lucky! Oh so very very lucky!
That you get to be investing in this [[Very Special Product]]
From everybody’s favorite [[number 1 rated salesman]]
(Could this be the Addisons reminding Spamton he's not on top anymore?)
[[Circa 1997]]
Mighty proud to say it! Mighty proud to say it!
Yes I’m mighty proud to say it! [[Yes sir]]!
(Still trying to buy Kris' soul)
Don’t you want to have a little fun [[little sponge]]??
Little something to pluck you from the glum humdrum???
Live comfortably [[capital at risk]] [[yum yum]]
Listen up! For the offer only comes just once!
(Is the player telling Kris to attack Spamton?)
[[Hey chum!]] I can see you’re having violent thoughts
But don’t you wanna wanna be a be a [[big shot!]]
[[Enquire today!]] While the secret’s in stock!
All you gotta do is
[[Hyperlink blocked]]
I used to be nothing but the email guy
(Spamton gets through the control and tries to ask Kris for help.)
Now I’m the [[It burns! Ow! Stop! Help me! It burns!]] guy!
CHORUS
(I know it shows the Addisons in the video, but this is likely wishful thinking on Spamton's part. He's probably singing the chorus himself.)
We’ve got never bettered bargains, we’ve got deals you won’t believe
We can tell you what you want before you realise what you need
If you’ll pardon us the jargon here’s our Darkner guarantee
We take cash or card or credit, but we’ll take your heart for free
VERSE 2
(Once again circularly vents about his own life.)
[[Are you feeling down?]] [[Have you lost control?]]
[Is your life a mess?]] [[Do your friends despise you?!]]
(Spamton mentions his mother in the Neo fight. "WATCH ME FLY, MAMA!")
Well here’s [[one weird trick discovered by a mom]]
And I’m sure [[number 5 will surprise you!]]
All you’ve ever dreamed of, shining, glistening!
(I can't help but think about Mike's puppet strings...)
Gotta buckle up! Grab life by the [[silly string]]!
You can have it! You can have it! Say the word, it’s yours!
Eahaehaehaehaeh! I wasn’t listening
See it says just here, right here, last year
On the third of the fourth at five-o-six
You searched cat pics online [[well that’s just fine]]!
(Most people miss this one, but cookies are how a website learns about you and how Spamton in this case knows what to sell you.)
[[Moist, delicious cookies]]
Little tippy tap kitty catalyst
Now we have a list
And we’ll guess what every habit is
Wanna buy a cat flap? Cat food?
(Papyrus: SANS NO. Sans: sans yes.)
Catchup? Catamaran?
You’ll be categorically catatonic
At the catalogue of categories I have at my hands
A [[cavalcade of all your favorite brands]]
An advertism schism cataclysm [[cash on demand]]!
You’d better cancel your plans
[[Cash for the crackers and the pickles and the flypaper]]!
Wanna buy a cat plush? Plush toy? Toy box? Box wine?
(Poor Spamton, having Mike gaslight him like that and then control him from the shadows...)
Why won’t Mike just call me backgammon?
Ham and eggs? Egg chair? Chair bed?
Bed bath? Bath sponge?
(Talking about himself again.)
Sponge who hates its [[$4.99]] life boat?
Boat shoe? Shoestring? String bean?
Bean bag? Bagpipes? Pipe bomb? Bomber jacket?
Jackdaw? Doorstop?
(Two theories. Either the people at Queen's mansion kept all his furniture when they kicked him out, or the other Addisons repeatedly took furniture from his old room as a prank. First one is more likely.)
[[Stop! No, please! Don’t take my furniture!]] Stopwatch?
Watchdog? Dog collar? Colorado?
Adderall?
(What does he mean by that?)
Ads are all seeping
Ping pong? Ponchos?
Choke chains? Chainsaws?
Swordfish-shish kebab-bobcat?
[[Do you want a cat or not?!]]
Well you wanna be a [[big shot!]] don’t you?
Don’t you wanna be the [[next big thing]]?
You can do it! Yes it’s true it’s really true
There’s nothing to it, I can prove it
Hear the registers ring!
Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.
You’re kidding? It’s for you
(Is that what Mike told Spamton?)
[[Garbage noise]] Wanna know a secret…?
[[Hyperlink blocked]]
[[You too can]] have a [[communion]] with [[unintelligible laughter]]
(An obvious shot at Jevil. Could Spamton be jealous?)
Soon I’ll even surpass that ****** [[clown around town!]]
CHORUS
(It's a lot clearer that Spamton is alone in this chorus because of the audio glitches.)
We’ve got never bettered bargains, we’ve got deals you won’t believe
We can tell you what you want before you realise what you need
If you’ll pardon us the jargon here’s our Darkner guarantee
We take cash or card or credit, but we’ll take your heart for free
VERSE 3
(Rouxls pokes his head around the corner.)
Holy [[cungadero]] there you [[funky]] little [[worm]]
You seem unaware of all the money you could earn
If you wanna get the gold
Well there is stuff you gotta learn
(Kris probably sympathizes with Spamton at this point...)
Milk the humans of their kindness
Then there’s [[butter to be churned]]
You. Want. It. Need. It.
Don’t. You. See?
But if you wanna make your screen green
You’re gonna need my Kromer key
Yes you’ve got trouble my friend
(Is this the Addisons asking "What are you talking about?" Are they STILL jealous?)
[[whadayatalk?]]
Right here in Cyber City!
See I used to be a [[top notch]] [[big shot!]]
Best deals! Best wheels! Best [[best prices in the tri-state area]]
But you can get it back! Ha ha ha! Yes you can!
All you gotta do is follow through my [[twelve step plan]]
(Despite Spamton trying to convince everyone he doesn't need Mike anymore, he sure is obsessing over him a lot!)
Bigger, bigger, better like the telephone was telling me
[[You gotta know the territory!]] Spend a hand, lend a grand
(Is Spamton belittling himself? Does he think Mike abandoned him because he wasn't a big enough Big Shot?
)
Who’s gonna patronize a little bitty
Two by four kinda store anymore?
Gotta go! Gotta get! Gotta get on and go!
Make a deal! [[Big deal]] [[High score!]] [[Our store is closing]]
Hot tip! Drop shipping! 4, 3, 2, 1!
Not skipping offers wired into your inbox
Swing by the gift shop! Think of the [[big shot!]]
All this and more, click
[[Hyperlink blocked]]
(Spamton's true self breaks though again.)
Can anyone hear me?
Help…
(Is he asking where Mike is, or is he trying to warn Kris about him?)
Mike…
Mike?
CHORUS
(I imagine Mike joining Spamton on this chorus. The Addisons glitching into Spamton could symbolize them abandoning him and him being forced to depend on himself.)
We’ve got never bettered bargains, we’ve got deals you won’t believe
We can tell you what you want before you realise what you need
If you’ll pardon us the jargon here’s our Darkner guarantee
We take cash or card or credit, but we’ll take your heart for free
VERSE 4
(Is this Mike promising Spamton success?)
[[Insurance!]] Know that I’m the best in policy!
[[Honestly]] do you want to end in poverty?
Buddy, I’m the one to help invest it properly!
I’m here to talk about [[extended warranty]]!
(It's impossible to tell which actions are Spamton's own and which are Mike controling him at this point.)
It’s a super, bumper, liquidation, last chance
First day, half price, fire sale like never before!
And it’s there to explore, when you step in the door
The very model of a modern major general store!
(This whole segment could be Spamton venting about the Addisons abandoning him in their jealousy right when he needed them most, about how Mike gaslit him and treated him like some toy and not a living being.)
But the fact is everybody’s gotta have it, gotta have it
Those who have it really have it
If you haven’t, well you’ve had it, couldn’t hack it
Now the haven’ts haven’t had it and the haves are very glad its
Just the haven’ts that’re lacking what they’re having
Now the ads have got the traffic
And we’ve grabbed your demographic
So you’re packing up your basket
Cos your dad has gotta have it
He’ll be sad if you don’t wrap it with a tag, it’ll be tragic
So you’re manically grabbing at the shelves amid the panic
Seems that everybody has it, man you really gotta have it
So you get it, you’re ecstatic, but a crackle in the static
And the it is out of fashion, just a fad, a piece of plastic
So you trash it then you get back into your car cos you don’t have it
And the fact is everybody’s gotta have it, gotta have it
Those who have it really have it
If you haven’t, well you’ve had it, couldn’t hack it
Now the haven’ts haven’t had it and the hads are very glad its
[[Hochi mama]] what a mouthful!
(In a way, Spamton is in debt to Mike...)
In the [[encyclopedia of]] [[being afraid]]
There ain’t nothing to be scared of till there’s fees to be paid
There’s deals to be made with [[seasonal savings]]!
(Mike starts to laugh at the havoc he left Spamton's life in.)
Regional ratings are lethally fading
Screaming and raving, ceaseless appraising
(Spamton just keeps trying to break away from Mike, unintentionally fulfilling his wishes...)
[Neat little plate with a needless engraving]
(Mike continues to enjoy Spamton's plight.)
Legally grey but sweet with the phrasing
Feet in the grave but gleefully trading
(The rest of the song, Mike pulls on his puppet's strings, and Spamton carries out his commands. He's powerless to resist at this point. The Neo Suit lures him in, promising his freedom, but it lies. Spamton is trapped, his fate sealed. There is no escape. At the end of the Neo fight, he is hit by a train and dies.)
Feeding the cravings, eat [[little plaything]]
Deal so good I’ll [$!$$] myself
Feeding the cravings, eat [[little plaything]]
[Gone with the sugar barrel, pickle barrel, milk pan]
Feeding the cravings, eat [[little plaything]]
I can feel that [smooth taste] already!
Feeding the cravings, eat [[little plaything]]
[[Hyperlink blocked]]
I pity Spamton. Everyone he cares about abandons him in his time of need. Even his acts of seeming free will are just someone pulling his strings. Just when he thinks he's finally free, that freedom is snatched out from under him. He empathizes with Kris and gives them an item on his death in the hopes that maybe it will help Kris break their own strings. It's moments like these that remind me why I will never play the games I write about.