Will Critique Your Loglines or Summaries

[KJBatson]

I really like that. thank you kindly

[alexlcuri07]

*Deep sigh Alright. Its had a few work ups already thanks to @sxxaint 's thread but let's see what other feedback I can get. I hate blurbs so much, but they're so prevalent on Tapas with the banners. Smh. Anyway, here it is in all its (lacking) glory:

Just when Suri McAllister had decided to live, Phoenix decided that she needed to die. With the help of Troupe Members- individuals with peculiar abilities called Aptitudes- she now has to fight for her choice. What did she have that was worth being killed for anyway?

[domisotto]

It’s a bit hard to understand who is who and what is going on in this blurb, though the stakes are evident.

Unless it is fan-fiction, I suggest replacing the names with what and who those two characters are, and take out the 2x name from the lore bit about the augmented people. This way you are talking more about what is going on, the conflicts and the personalities, rather than spending time on the names.

[alexlcuri07]

I'm not sure what you mean

[domisotto]

Can you describe Suri instead of her name? A girl with this or that talent, or trait of character, in this situation etc. Same for this Phoenix—who or what it is and why they can decide if Suri should die?

And you describe that society of superhumans with two different terms—imo, it’s better to just say augmented or mutated humans, or whatever they are, in generic terms, instead of adding lore.

[alexlcuri07]

Thanks. I'll keep these tips in mind for the rewrite.

[domisotto]

Hi guys, I was wondering with those of you who reworked the summaries in this thread, do you feel it helped attract more readers? Or made no difference?

[disqette]

I prefer to keep things short and simple, and I'm actually fairly pleased with it right now. Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated

A small town baker with mommy issues and an heir with a curse find out that they'll be murdered in one year, only if they don't kill the murderer first.

[domisotto]

A small town baker with mommy issues and an heir with a curse find out that they'll be murdered in one year, only if they don't kill the murderer first.

As you said, it's nice and condensed, and takes a solid stab at the stakes. What I don't see is the development arc, as in they have to overcome some flaw in themselves to get to the resolution. Here is a proposed stylistic change and a way into maybe digging up that overcoming the personal challenges storyline.

A small town baker and a cursed heir to the throne will be murdered together, unless she trusts him to guide her out of her mother's shadow. Only then would she unlock the power necessary to hunt down the assassin before the poised blade falls.

[disqette]

Wow, I never even considered adding future developments to it. Thank you very much! I learned a lot from that.

[CalimonGraal]

i've had this as the summary for my comic since posting it in 2014, and not sure if it could be potentially driving readers away lol.

Cali Nightstone is a bitter, lonely girl, hiding from a haunting past. After finding an estranged lizard man her life begins to change. Her past begins to resurface and she must face an incoming catastrophe that threatens the populace of her planet.

[domisotto]

It looks generic to me, and a bit unclear, as in who the lizard man is estranged from? From Cali? What is her haunting past? What catastrophe threatens her world? Is there a conflict between her people and the lizardmen? Is she a lizardperson herself?

I would suggest rearranging it and filling in a few details like this:

When a bitter, lonely Cali takes in a lizard man, her (insert details of her past) comes to haunt her. But unless she (overcomes what from her past? or does what with the lizard man?) she will not be able to (do what?) to avert (what?) threatening to whip out the lizardfolk(?) or everyone(?)

[CalimonGraal]

i think i made it a bit generic as Cali's past was purposely vague in the beginning, but hmm.
something like this then?

When Cali takes in a lost lizard man, the destruction she caused in her past comes back to haunt her. With her new friends she swore to protect, she must face against the person who ruined their lives as well as her own. But unless she overcomes the guilt from her past and the hard truths she'll face, she won't be able to save anyone from the looming threat to wipe out all remaining life on the planet.

actually might've made it a bit longer than it should be oof. but i think that makes it a bit clearer?

[domisotto]

Well, now you introduce another unknown entity, her ‘new friends’—are they the other lizard men? Did she reunite him with his estranged family?

You added the important piece—that she must seek self-forgiveness, and clarified the threat to life, but the source of that and its connection to Cali is yet unclear.

[domisotto]

When Cali takes in a lost lizard man, the destruction she wrecked on his kin on the orders of her former cruel master comes back to haunt her. Trying to atone for her crimes, she reunites her new friend with his people and swears to protect them. But unless she frees herself from her guilt, she'll fail to thwart her former Master who is now bent on wiping out all remaining life on the planet.

[CalimonGraal]

aha, the friend group consists of the mentioned lizard, a frog boy and a human boy.
it's a multispecies planet thus being nonspecific other than the very first character she meets. (now wondering if i shoulda just cut out the lizard part)
i'll keep mulling over and tweaking this, thank you for the help~ owo