Can someone help me figure out how to write a better synopsis?

[daeygurart]

I'm having a hard time coming up with a better synposis. My old one is too long and I'm trying to make a new one but it doesn't flow right.

New one:
"I've never loved anyone as much as I've loved you."

Alexander Santiago is the new demi-god in town, and Olympus's greatest salvation but his life isn't easy especially when it comes to a certain God of War. Every touch, every expression makes him fall deeper and deeper in love. Could the God of War love him back or is it a losing battle? There's one thing for sure and that there's love on Olympus.

Old one:
There's nothing more important to Ares than fighting, girls, and pissing off the gods (especially his brother Apollo) that is until he falls in love with someone that changes his life forever. Now, 2,000 years later Ares is tasked with one thing: training the new Demi-God, but as the two grow closer the Demi-God begins showing interest in him far more than mere training partners.

Ares, not wanting history to repeat itself draws strict boundaries, but can he continue keeping those boundaries up or will the Demi-God break down those walls down one by one?

There's one thing for sure and that there's Love on Olympus.

How should i reword this so that it attracts readers? It just sounds so ugh and flat.

Edit: so, i rewrote it to this

“I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you.” Alexander Santiago is training to be the greatest champion the gods had ever had. Wars are brewing, monsters are raising, and death is rampant but the only thing on Alexander’s mind is a certain red-haired God of War. Can Alexander win over his heart or will the fates pull them further apart? There’s one thing for sure and there’s Love on Olympus.

does this one catch your eye more?

[2DLenzy]

To be honest, I really like the old blurb a lot more. It gives a sneak peek into the personalities of the leads and what the stakes are for each of them without going into too much detail or being too vague. I realize it's focused on Area mostly, but maybe find a way to put Alexander's intro as the second paragraph then follow with the "there's Love on Olympus".

I wouldn't worry about the length, I've seen longer, vaguer and more boring blurbs. If you sprinkle in a little personality early, your readers may be invested before they start reading.

[vfaqvrf]

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[wispysing]

I agree! I like the old one better, it just holds more character, and we're able to get a glimpse of the main character's personality just from the way the sentences are arranged and the wording choices alone—love the lil' spice in the old blurb! Your writing rocks, by the way!

[thecaptainwastaken]

As many people are saying, I like the old one better. The old one provides context into the characters and the setting. You saying that Ares doesn't want history repeating itself is the intrigue. I think you did a very good job there! To make it shorter just include the most important information and condense it down into one paragraph. If you want to include the quote you could do a portion of the blurb from that character's pov and then have Ares' pov as well. Basically combine them is what I'm saying.

Example 1:

"I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you."

Alexander Santiago is training to be the greatest champion the gods ever had. Wars are brewing, monsters are raising, and death is rampant but the only thing on Alexander's mind is a certain red-haired God of War.

There's nothing more important to Ares than fighting, girls, and pissing off the gods that is until he falls in love with someone that changes his life forever. Now 2,000 years later, Ares is tasked with one thing: training Alexander Santiago, but as sparks begin to fly between them, Ares draws a strict line between them lest history repeat itself again.

Can Alexander win over Ares heart? Or will Ares' formidable walls prove to be unbreakable? There's only one thing for sure and that's that there is Love on Olympus!

Example 2:

"I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you."

Alex Santiago is training to be the greatest champion with Ares, the red-haired God of War. As Alexander tries to win him over, Ares still cautioned by his past, draws a strict line between them. Can Alexander win over Ares; heart? Or will Ares' formidable walls prove to be unbreakable? There's only one thing for sure and that's that there is Love on Olympus!

[Calculus_Homework]

Agree with this! It's playful and charming. The newest one is good too, but for different reasons.

But these synopses sound like two different stories to me. So, I think it's up to you in choosing which one expresses the essence of the tale the best. What themes or premises in your story do you want to advertise? The old synopsis expresses more of a romcom direction, while the newest one sounds waaay more intense and serious like a lore-involved fantasy romance.

If you do go with the old description, I made some very minor grammatical corrections for the old one, if you want to take them:

There's nothing more important to Ares than fighting, girls, and pissing off the gods (especially his brother Apollo). That is, until he falls in love with someone that changes his life forever. Now, 2,000 years later, Ares is tasked with one thing: training the new Demi-God. But as the two grow closer, this Demi-God begins showing interest in him far more than just as mere training partners.

(Again, you do not have to take the corrections. They are only suggestions to reduce some grammatical confusion in how it was originally written.)

[daeygurart]

Thank you guys! I didn't realize people replied to this because I never get notifications for anything

I did change my blurb up again with the help of my discord friend!

The titan’s presence grows stronger with each passing day, and the cults growing influence means war is on the horizon. Ares, the God of War is called to train the talented Alexander Santiago, however, with a wounded heart Ares is reluctant to take on a new champion. The fate of the world rests on their shoulders, as long as the budding feelings between the two warriors doesn’t get them killed first.

[Vassia]

I liked all of your synopsis' for different reasons but I do think this last one is the one I'm most likely to read just because I feel like this gives more of wha the main conflict of your story is since the romance looks like it's meant to be your b-plot. You can't go wrong so long as the synopsis contains you main conflict and a little bit about you're main character. It'd best not to over think it.