Hi there. Thanks for submitting this for feedback. I read your work and... Here we go.
I am very technical with my feedback, so I will firstly do corrections on the text then go into more detail. Less go.
'singing with all the love we have for music' - replace 'have' with 'had' so you keep the same tense
'he has passionate' - had instead of has
'he smiled so sweet and in a softhearted manner' - 'sweet' there would be 'sweetly', so it would be an adverb because it describes the way an action was done; also, this could use a more 'show, don't tell' approach as you go then to say how his smile managed to calm the MC's fears/loneliness down. Show us how gorgeous it is. Example: 'A smile flourished on his lips, making his feature soften and his eyes glisten in the mellow light' etc.
'these great things do happen, because' - no comma needed after 'happen'; actually, with the comma there it doesn't make a lot of sense
'with just his smile he steadied my loneliness' - how is the MC showing this? Does a smile flutter above her lips? Her shoulders relax? A giggle? A sigh? We need a reaction that can support the statement
'back to where my journey started, and as I looked into the flicker in his eyes, I' - correct comma usage here: back to where my journey started and, as I looked into the flicker in his eyes, I; this is because 'as I looked into the flicker in his eyes' is an appositive
'Every morning' - comma after this
'rays of the sun, made' - no comma needed
'made me felt serene and happy' - correct: made me feel; and how serene and happy? Is there any other way you could show us what she felt?
'I'd win the racing competition among all grade six students' - would sound better as: I would be the one to win out of all the grade six students
'among another' - replace another with other
'every competitor that I have in the race' - correct: I had in the race
'AWESOME RACE!' - capitals rarely find their place, really... If you wanted to show the excitement of the person shouting that or the crowd or if you wanted to point that someone yelled that, do that through description, don't yell at your readers, please. Example: 'Awesome race!' shrieked a high pitched voice to my right, its possessor lost within the sea of faces rushing to congratulate me.
'you deserve to win' - you deserved to win
'I heard the dismissal bell rang' - replace rang with ring
'The wind was just perfect! [...] the trees' leaves fluttered [...] of the wind. [...] without a care in the wind' - Repetition
'sat down on my favourite place' - sat down in
'In the picture you are holding [...]' - I feel this visual could have appeared earlier in the work? Maybe when the picture was actually taken? I am not sure this would work organically in a conversation
'The school bell rang it meant' - the school bell rang, it meant; you need a comma there to make sense
'As I head' - headed
'it's you, Dave,' - period instead of comma after Dave
'how awesome you are in the race' - were instead of are
'has passionate' - had
'all eyes were on us' - repetition of the word 'eyes'; it appears in the previous sentence
'until Carly, approached' - no need for comma there
'Happy birthday Carly' - Happy birthday, Carly; need a comma there
'Unfortunately I'm kind of busy' - Unfortunately, I'm kind of busy; comma needed
'After I had gone home' - after I got/arrived home
'made me felt more alive' - made me feel more alive
'it was peaceful and serene that I' - it was so peaceful and serene
'near me responded' - near me respond
Other details that I noticed:
- You switched from Miss Hannah to: Ms. Hannah
- You wrote Grade 6 Ruby but then went one to write 'grade six' in letter, not using the number; not sure if that's intentional
I will first mention the bits I absolutely adore about this piece. Your description when she is racing or running is stunning. You really get to feel what Natalie is experiencing and the little details about the nature around here... Gorgeous passages. Really well done.
Now... Let's talk tenses. Keeping the same tense or using the correct forms for the tense you choose is very very important. You sometimes start with past and continue with present and that can confuse the reader - a lot. If you start with a tense, please continue with it. And make sure you're aware when certain actions happen.
The use of capitals. I usually frown upon the use of capitals where there's no need for them or you can express the feeling you're trying to capture with description. For example, I don't have an issue with 'WOHOO!' but I do think some of the things you wrote in capitals can be reworked through description. I will say the same thing about exclamation marks within the narration. Even if it seems they will hype the reader, in most cases that doesn't happen - because the reader isn't given time to understand the feeling behind those capitals or exclamation marks. The reason why 'WOHOO!' works is because it follows a bit where you describe what the character felt.
Characters. As @SynCypher mentioned, we are not given enough time to understand or feel for these characters. And, for a first chapter, you introduced a lot of them. I would have preferred, personally, if you focused on your MC in the first chapter. Introduce us to her and how she thinks, how she views the world, if she has a family, why does she want to be a good student, why does she like running and her bike etc. Let us understand her motivations, aspirations, dreams etc. That's not to say you can't introduce other characters within the first chapter, but a lot of them are just names we don't really care about or are used as a way to move the plot forward. And characters should instead assist you in building a believable world and develop your MC through the interactions she has with them. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen here. We are rarely given the opportunity to see what your MC thinks about these characters... And the interactions between the MC and the rest of the world are a bit mechanical.
Since this is a romance story, we need to feel like we can understand your MC and the rest of the cast. If we can't get invested in your MC, how are we supposed to be invested in her romance story, you know? So I would say... Think about why these characters exist. What is the relationship between them? How do they act around each other? Do they have distinctive features like a soft tone or expressions they use all the time? Do they have physical attributes that will make the reader remember them?
Structure. I understand why you adopted this structure: you wanted to put in as much info about the MC and her world as possible. But it feels a bit like an info dump, instead of something that would organically happen. You move through the events in the chapter really fast. And sometimes a fast paced narrative is not bad. But other times, it can feel overwhelming and confusing. Also, I noticed you have a tendency to give the reader all the details about a subject within the first few phrases. I feel you could set up the scenarios much better. For example, within the first few sentences about her stay in the library it's revealed to us that: she has a favourite spot, she is reading a novel, she is doing her homework and that she liked to stay on top of things at school. That's a lot of info to process. And not working these details naturally into your story will fail to invest the reader in the world you created.
Pacing and description. The problem here is that pacing will be influenced greatly by description. And... Your world and characters feel very bare to me, so far. There is almost no external description of the places she in - aside from the bits where she's riding her bike. But there are so so many locations that I simply can't picture... I know you have a mental picture of how the library looks like or the hallways look like or how the park she runs in looks like... But we are not mind readers - you need to put it in writing if you want us to understand what these spaces look like. And once you start painting how the place looks like, you'll notice you will be more aware of how your characters move in the environment. It's very important to understand your characters don't exist in a void. They interact with objects, they view things and notice things differently. Picture yourself entering a room you've never seen before. What would you notice? What would you do? Would you simply walk through the room? Or would you take in details and get yourself accustomed with the space? I bet you'd have a look at the colour on the walls or the pictures that hang around the room, the book that is open on a coffee table, how the floor sounds beneath your steps, how much light is in the room, the fact it smells like lavender etc. You need to give us this kind of description not only to slow down a tad the pace of your narrative, but also to transport us into the world your MC lives in.
Once you start paying more attention to the environment, you will notice your character interacting with it differently. You will be more aware of where your character is in space, what do they think, how do they feel. You have some fantastic pieces of emotional/internal description (when she is riding her bike or racing), but aside from those... The work feels, once again, quite bare. Her winning the race should have made me smile and cheer and feel very excited for her. Instead, you moved so quickly through the actions and didn't really stop to express her feelings in that moment - which resulted in me, the reader, feeling conflicted. She obviously loves racing because you tell us that again and again, but when it comes to her actually winning the race... We don't get to see how she thinks in that moment or how she feels about the whole thing.
As a guide, before you write a scene ask yourself these questions: Where is this taking place? Where is my character? What time of the day? What does my character notice in the environment? Is my character interacting with anything? How does my character feel? Are there any other characters? Are there any features my character would notice about these people? How does she feel about these people? Does she interact with them?
Dialogue. At times, your dialogue seemed... Very robotic. Dialogue is a great tool in establishing traits a character has or revealing something about the relationships between two characters. But in your work, it's most of the times used as an exposition device. Maybe have a look over it and ask yourself: would a real person really say something like this?
Commas. Now, commas can be difficult to give feedback on because a lot of the times it depends a lot on the feeling of the sentence. However, there are a few instances where you have to have a comma. I corrected that in the technical part, but always remember to add commas with appositives and when there's a greeting or when a character addresses another directly.
Appositive example: 'Jane, my sister, is three years old.' - 'my sister' is between commas because it can be taken out and it wouldn't change the meaning of the sentence. Another example: 'I looked in his direction and, as if he sensed my thoughts, he turned round with a smile resting on his lips.'
There are other things that have been mentioned already like 'show, don't tell', but this has a lot of potential. I think you can do description really well, as I mentioned before, and I would love to see that more in your work.
So... I hope this helped. If you have questions of qualms, PM me anytime. Good job, thanks for submitting for feedback and I can't wait to see the next chapter.