Care to give your impression on this little excerpt? (CW: Blood/injury)

[DokiDokiTsuna]

I don't ask for writing critiques very often, but last time I did it went pretty well, so:

The captain glared. “Look here, you little-- it’ll be a cold day in hell before some savage beast tells me what to do or where to go…! Now either you make yourself useful or I’ll--!”

He grabbed her arm roughly...then immediately recoiled and doubled over in pain. Lenore watched silently as he cursed and clutched his wrist, which had suddenly become swollen and red. Blood trickled down his hand through tiny punctures in his skin, and he screamed.

“...I’m sorry,” she said. “It may not heal very well. But you startled me...”

...That's it. ^^; The pacing just feels a little weird to me...I think I might be having an off day; the whole chapter this part belongs to has been a little dull to write, which is weird because I haven't worked on this novel in several weeks, and I was excited to finally be in the mood again today. =/

I expect to have to revise everything later on, when my mind is sharper...but I want to focus on this part, because it's important for it to sound right.

[feuersichel]

As a non Novel writer, I can't say, what to change, just what I feel. The first part sound very good imo. You can realy feel his anger and frustration. I don't realy understand the last part though, but that might be, because I don't know the rest of the story. But she sounds like casually being like "oh, sorry 'bout that." Or maybe that was the idea after all xD well, I can't realy read her emotion on that part. The rest though I like.

I hope, thus was of any help for you

[VibrantFox]

I had to read over it again but maybe elaborating a bit more on her expression or tone in that last part because i think that last sentence is what's got it feeling dry

everything else seems to flow just fine

[DokiDokiTsuna]

But she sounds like casually being like "oh, sorry 'bout that." Or maybe that was the idea after all xD well, I can't realy read her emotion on that part.

Yeah, that was intentional (she's always like that) and I'd hoped the fact that it's such an unnatural reaction to what just happened would make it clear that it was intentional...but seeing that people are unsure about it has me a little worried. ^^;

[jaytee]

Hey! I really like most of it! You might wanna add some description of their emotions/tone of voice/expressions when they're speaking though.

For example,

"I'm sorry," she said, her eyes devoid of any emotion as she looked him steadily in the eye, "It may not heal very well, but you did startle me."

Or,
"I'm sorry," she said, her voice emotionless enought that he couldn't tell whether she meant it or not, "It may not heal very well, but you did startle me."

Hope that helps!

[system]

This topic was automatically closed 30 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.