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Apr 2017
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MoonBlink
Mar '17
2

Wrote A script for chapter one of my webcomic Dagon's Bane. Im in the process of writing chapter 2.
I just want more eyes on the first chapter's script. To make sure its set up correct and that the pacing isn't to off.

Please comment wherever you see something that could be fixed or changed. Ive already published Scenes 1 and 2. So the only Scenes that need revision are Scenes 4 and on. (Though feel free to reed and comment on all the scenes. )
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bAmdApmYFQTLyli1c7dszL6qaTAso19dyw0NHFHj5so/edit?usp=sharing9
If you do decide to help, thank you.
When Im done with Chapter 2's script. I'll be sure to put it up for revision before i start drawing pages.

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    Mar '17

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    Apr '17
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19 days later
SpectreFirst
Apr '17

I've read your script along with a comic as well as some of your notes from your blog and I think I have an idea where your confusion that you've mentioned in your other topic may come from.
It looks like you are trying to create a story with highly dynamic pacing, but don't have a clear general plot structure which makes your intermediate story points look hectic: princess lands in a random place, goes through a random cave and just happens to bump into a person who just happened to be looking for her. I've checked the script to see if there are logical blocks missing from the comic, but aside from a few scenes being changed it still looks like a completely random event.

Your blog suggests that you want to structure your story similar to an RPG quest so perhaps you may solve your problem by structuring your project like a typical RPG. For example:

  • There are several gods who turn the whole world into their battlefield from time to time, lots of people die, everybody is unhappy and so on and so forth. This can be a general conflict of the story.
  • In order to stop that from happening, someone must become a god itself, kick every other god's arse and thus bring piece to everybody. This can be a general direction of the story.
  • In order to become a god, someone must do things A, B and C i.e. major plot points breakdown.
  • In order to accomplish A, someone must do A1, A2, A3 and so on i.e. minor plot points breakdown.

This is a typical structure which can accommodate pretty much anything from an epic battle to collecting turnips, the most important thing is that it brings flexible but stable structure to narrative and makes it possible to break your project into separate blocks.

For example, if we break down your current story block in accordance to that structure, it may look something like this:
An armored girl with wings and a creepy guy who lives in a mirror want to make princess join the Dark Side (A), but girl with wings cannot just kidnap princess from a castle (perhaps there is always a mushroom guy instead who tells her that princess is in another castle) so she finds out that princess likes to surveil the area by flying on her pegasus and creates a shiny distraction for her to check out (A1). Princess sees a distraction from the air, lands to investigate and then get caught. Armored girl with wings takes princess into a creepy forest to a creepy guy in a mirror, but princess doesn't want to join the Dark Side so guy in a mirror feeds her some "That's what will happen if you won't enlist" flashbacks (A2) and princess finally agrees thus wrapping up the block A.

Perhaps your story is not supposed to go like this but as you can see, my example has a clear stream of events where each subsequent plot point flows out from the previous one.

MoonBlink
Apr '17
1

I get what your saying. I have been feeling lost with the beginning of the story, and I never quite know how to start things.
Setting things up like how you suggest does give me room to breathe and work in some other ideas I've been having.

I'll try things the way you suggested, thank you for your advise. You've been extremely helpful.
Do you think its a good idea to scrap this project, revise it, then introduce it again as something new?
Or should I just rework this one. lol i feel like i do that too much anyway. (This is the second time I've reworked pages) So introducing it as something else might be better.

A new project with the same intentions, better structure and a clear direction for me to go in. Killing DB might also be refreshing. Gives me time to prep and actual take my time to plan for a better version rather than rushing it the way i did with DB.
[Im just thinking out loud now.]

SpectreFirst
Apr '17

To be perfectly honest I'm not the best advisor when it comes to scrapping projects because my own comic went through four complete overhauls and I'm not even sure that my current assembly will be the last one. As for your project, I think it pretty much depends on your general aspirations regarding it: if you have some big plans and you absolutely need that particular world to implement them, you can outline the rest of your story and after all pieces will fall into their places you can start rebuilding it. Otherwise, if that comic is more of a practice run to you, you can disassemble it to parts (characters, visuals, plot points and so on) and build something else using these parts as needed. Perhaps your idea about preparing a new project with the same premise but clearer structure will be the best course of action.

Speaking of parts, this is why I keep all my projects modular: if something doesn't work I can just take it out and replace it with something else; aside from several core elements, most of my assets went through multiple revisions and some of them were taken out and left in my repository.

By the way, do you have any particular general plans besides creating dynamic RPG-like adventure? Perhaps there is a particular "quest" you'd like to go through? Having a core idea can greatly help with choosing the rest of the elements and it can also help finding like-minded creators.

MoonBlink
Apr '17
1

Well, the core idea i absolutely want to put in. Is the concept of death, and the hardships that society brings.
My original plans for DB was to demonstrate the unfairness of life, how things dont always go the way you want it to. How "believing" and the "power of love" dont exists.
One of the main characters, Aria, was going to be my plot devise, and i was going to have her teach others, through action, that life sucks. I was going to use her as the object of other characters blame and hate.
In the story, is the literal personification of death. Or at least, that's her role in life, and that's the role these "gods" have assigned to her.

Another theme i wanted to put in was the ideal that there is no such thing as a true evil, or a good guy. There's only people that act on what they believe in, and sometimes these people make mistakes. And their ideals are sometimes flawed. This would also apply to the main characters of the story. Who just happen to have better intentions than the rest of them, and the power to enact on their beliefs.

[also, can i get the link to your comic?]

SpectreFirst
Apr '17
1

Unfortunately I cannot show you my comic right now simply because for the time being it is disassembled and currently is in preparation state. Technically I have some partially assembled pages, but I don’t want to dump you my random mishmash of panels, drafts, characters, story blocks and other assets. I’m not an artist so graphics takes a long time to produce, but I’ll assemble something to show when I’ll have enough time.

Our core concepts coincide in using grey morals: my current project is also based on a concept that there are no "good" or "bad" characters or factions because everyone have their reasons and believe in what they are doing is right. Moreover, my primary “bad guy” is a semi-sentient life-form that causes pandemic, but it doesn’t bring death because it wants to, it’s just the way it lives.
My general theme though is to show that most typical fantasy stories are grossly unbalanced because their main characters are overpowered and win only because their enemies act like cardboard. I’m going to show this by replacing typical brainless cannon fodder with actually competent enemies and demonstrating that even an overpowered Chosen One stuffed with magical trinkets cannot stand against skilled and competent group. My project is largely influenced by WW2 movies and RTS games so I want to depict how bond forged in combat, skill and tactics can overcome arrogance, natural gifts and brute force. My protagonist is not a person, but a group acting as a single unit.

By the way, do you have a working repository for your story? Since our projects seem to be in a similar state I think it would be interesting to compare assets – world logic, characters, environments, plot points and so on. So far I have a basic world assembly, a general plot outline and numerous assorted blocks of environments and plot points. I also have a repository of information about medieval clothing, weaponry, architecture and several other things that will be helpful for building characters and locations. Even if our projects won’t mesh, perhaps there will be something we’ll be able to share. Sources of inspiration can also be very valuable assets so it is also possible to share info about music, movies, books and such. For example, right now I have found a very useful book - "De Re Metallica" by Georg Agricola written somewhere in 1550's which is extremely useful source of pictures about mining and metallurgy.