Do you need feedback? - closed (for now)

VandaQ 2018-06-24 21:53:15 UTC #21

Hi there, I finished reading your comic so less go.

The beginning is really good as you quickly establish who's the main character, what's the situation and put in place the first conflict which is Valentina waiting for her friend to return. I like you have a larger cast, which means you have a great opportunity to develop the world and the characters through the interaction between them. There's this scene where the MC is woken up by another character and character development there is done really well. We get to see Valentina being the 'responsible one', telling Genevieve to go and get ready. Those kind of details really help build the realism of your world.

I will get into some technical stuff.

part 1: you have 'specially' instead of especially
part 5: 'the next morning' in there is not really needed, as you have a panel with Valentina waking up so we can make the assumption it's the next morning
part 6: you have 'in the table' instead of at the table
part 7: 'after eating' there is not required as you have Crystal saying 'thank you for the food' and leaving so we can make the connection
part 8: you have 'bury then in the past' instead of bury them in the past
part 12: the transition there from night to day is simply gorgeous. Not only does it realistically translate the passage of time, but it's just beautiful to look at

Right. Now let's talk character. I feel confused as to who is Valentina or why is she feeling/thinking the way she is. Even with how much we are shown about her thoughts and feelings, everything is either focused on how she feels or how Crystal is. In the beginning, the discovery of her having met Crystal before and the 'attempted murder' come out of left field. I am sure there's a good reason why that shared past exists and why there's that drama about Crystal trying to throw her off a building, but it's a lot of information to process. Then, for some reason, Valentina decides to help Crystal? I would understand if she accepted to help her because that's what she feel her duty as a doctor is, but she takes it personally - as if she wants to be friends with the person who tried to kill her. In the morning, however, she gets all suspicious about Crystal just because she doesn't want to see the chameleons. And this... Polarity in Valentina's actions and thoughts is really confusing to me. I understand people sometimes feel conflicted, but she simply seems to switch from one perspective/feeling to another in a matter of moments.

Also, because there is so much internal monologue and we spend so much time with Valentina's thoughts, we don't get to see her being developed through her interactions or the world. It goes like this: something happens, then Valentina goes off in her head about what just happened. I feel you can relay what she feels or how she thinks in a better way. We don't need to spend so much time with a character to empathize with them. Instead of having Valentina talking to herself after something bad happens, why not show her raiding the cupboard for chocolate or storming into the kitchen and getting annoyed at whoever is there, why not show her shuffling through a music playlist/TV channels with a frustrated expression on her face? My point is, instead of telling the reader how the character feels, show us how she feels and how that affects her interactions with the world and the other people around her. That way we don't feel we're in her head so much. You did something akin to what I'm referring to and that is the time she spends with the chameleons. Obviously, she's troubled, she has to work through stuff so she loses track of time while playing with the chameleons. That's a brilliant 'show, don't tell' example. Perhaps resort to that a bit more.

Aside from that, though, this has great potential. The mystery around Crystal is built really well and I like the dynamic between the two. Personally, I really love the chameleon idea - they are adorable and I love them, alright? Lol Thanks for sharing, it was real fun to read and Imma waiting for the next part!

A-weird-girler 2018-06-25 00:44:54 UTC #22

Well, the backstory is coming soon enough! everything will be explained there ^^ Thanks! (also, it's good you noted the chameleons. That'll be useful later on)

nessiefynn 2018-06-25 01:00:04 UTC #23

I'd love some feedback, could you give me some for my webcomic here?

Thank you so much for what you're doing!

AwkwardCat 2018-06-25 01:28:55 UTC #24

Man, i know my comic needs a lot of stuff, but if you can give it a -short - look at https://tapas.io/series/Puppie-and-Sheep
I will thank you.

spooktacularprize 2018-06-25 03:14:13 UTC #25

Thank you so much for the review and for the compliments! It makes me very happy to know that someone who writers regularly appreciates that way we're telling our story. It's funny because I've seen these title episodes countless times and somehow completely missed the misspelling of "Bloodhound," so thanks for catching that one as well, haha.

Would you be willing to let us share your review on our website/blog? Thanks again for taking the time to do so!

VandaQ 2018-06-25 08:06:03 UTC #26

No problem at all! And yes, definitely, knock yourselves out.

charliesackett 2018-06-25 14:32:42 UTC #27

I would absolutely love help! I have like maybe one or two readers so I'm starting to seriously think I'm doing something wrong. Please tell me how to fix it lol

Chopythes 2018-06-25 15:01:08 UTC #28

Thank you so, so much for your time and that well written review! <3
(I honestly kind of feared that I'd get completely roasted, haha!)

Oh thank you!! That's actually quite a relief, since I'm trying to be sparse about them but they're also pretty much needed for the story.

Oh man, this is a thing that I'll definitely take to heart! I had no idea that I overused them and your suggestions were so much better than my own. I got quite a few ideas thanks to your suggestions, that I can't wait to implement once I'm able to.

Ahhh<3<3
I'm always worried that I might not express my characters well enough but I'm happy to hear that you enjoyed it!
I don't know why, but I'm always worrying that I might not be good enough at world building et cetera and so it makes me really happy to have read through your thoughts and review of my comic<3

Thank you so mcuh again, for your time and your review! It really answered the questions I had for myself that I wasn't aware of, and you gave me some pretty cool and useful tips on how to improve and for that, I'll be forever thankful<3

kmariaanderson 2018-06-25 17:03:59 UTC #29

I was wondering if I could get some feedback on my Japanese mythological fiction novel? I only have the first couple chapters posted, with more to come throughout this week and the next, but I would love some feedback with what I have so far.

StopWatchers 2018-06-25 18:32:46 UTC #30

If you have the time by all means I invite you to read my comic Stop Watchers:

Thanks and I hope you enjoy it!

minerrale 2018-06-25 18:36:33 UTC #31

What a great idea!
If you have time, I'd love to have feedback on Abby's Hope. I know there's a lot I can improve on, and I really want to get better

VandaQ 2018-06-25 22:56:53 UTC #32

Hi there. I went through your comic, so here we go.

The exposition is actually good and places the characters, the location and the conflict which is going back to school. I like the fact you have two brothers, because you can take this relationship in so many directions and use their interactions as a way to develop their characters. It also helps us quickly memorize details about the characters by drawing comparisons. I really believe you have a great opportunity to utilize the cast you've introduced us to to its full potential, so please don't hold back.

Let's get into a few technicalities.

I noticed a few missing apostrophes in the case of some 'is' contractions. For example, on page 17 you have: 'the shields' where it should have been the shield's. I don't know if they are typos but including this just to make sure. The easiest way to figure out if it's a contraction and it needs an apostrophe is to to try to read the 's' as 'is'. In this case it would be the shield is.
p. 23: you have 'who's soul' when it should be whose soul
Now... From a writer's point of view the introductory panels for each character are... I will be honest, they are jarring. I would have preferred if you introduced the characters naturally and revealed their name and their 'quirks' as a part of the plot. I understand why you would want as much info about your characters conveyed in the simplest form, without taking up too much space or time to draw. But I will tell you why this kind of approach can do the characters a disservice: we won't remember them or what they are about. We remember through repetition and context, so even if we will remember the name of the character because you mention it later, we still won't remember much about the character itself because there's no context. I don't remember, for example, most of their ages, although you made that info available to me. I know it's not an avoidable thing in comics, but from a story telling perspective you can certainly find better ways to reveal these traits to the reader. Imagine reading a story and the narrator goes ahead and gives you a description like: 'Sara is 16 years old, she has blue hair, green eyes, likes nachos and blankets'. For me, that's a poor character introduction and I am certain I won't remember much about Sara unless these traits are then given a context within the plot and they are something that appear again and again. I have already praised @spooktacularprize's story telling and character introduction, but I would say have a look at what they did within the first few pages. How natural and coherent the characters are introduced - and it all makes part of the plot. I understand your style is completely different - this is just from a story telling perspective. Instead of putting in a box a character's age, work in a conversation about their 16th birthday and instead of putting a small description of the fact they control fire show them walking along the hallways of the school while throwing from one hand to another a ball of fire. I think you get the idea haha
There are a lot of characters that are introduced to us really fast... While having a big cast can be very very rewarding, making sure you know when to introduce these characters is really important. I felt overwhelmed at some points, because I was unsure what the role of these characters were in the plot or even in that moment in the story. It sometimes can feel a bit like an info dump - and that can be damaging. Side characters are supposed to enrich the world and provide diversity to is, but if we barely get to see them or understand them, they will just feel as convenient pawns a narrator controls in order to get the plot in the right direction or provide exposition
Sometimes I feel that you feel the need to explain to the reader what is happening. Your visual clues are amazing, your flow is really good; trust your reader to follow the thought process you have. For example, page 34 is my favourite page... The way that page flows, how you played with small panels like the blood on the floor and hinting at the wound before cutting to the big, imposing panel of Royal and his surprised and pained and panicked expression while the 'weapon' kind of towers him but is also out of focus... That's just brilliant story telling right there. The visual clues are fantastic there, you tell a whole story with no words... but then you have one of the characters explain what just happened. And you don't need that there, that page is more than capable to express on its own everything you want to show. If anything, you would have saved yourself some space on the next page and, instead of having a break down of what just happened, we could have had the reaction of other characters - that would have compounded the tension.

That would be all there. I really love some of the visuals in this and you play very well with perspectives. One thing that stood out was the naked scene where that hand is perfectly placed yet it seems so natural. I love it. It's obvious you know where to attract the attention of the reader, how to use panels and perspectives. Another thing I really like is the dynamic between the two brothers - it's natural, lighthearted and without becoming cheesy.

All in all, this was a great read and I think this has great potential. Obviously, it's still early in the story, I would say, but it's solid work up to this point. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work!

LordSeriphus 2018-06-26 07:01:39 UTC #33

Would you be down to do mine? I'd love technical feedback and, really, just anything. I'm trying to get a lot done for the later parts of this story, so knowing how it's coming along so far would be rad! Thanks in advance! ^.^

moonfixer 2018-06-27 04:24:41 UTC #34

Hello, feel free to give feedback on my comic whenever you get the chance. Thank you for your time.

BobbyjoeX 2018-06-27 07:20:42 UTC #35

thank you for the feedback, it explained the bugs without being too harsh to read (it wasnt harsh at all)

VandaQ 2018-06-27 09:04:52 UTC #36

Hi there, I went through the comic so less go.

I have to start with the gorgeous, absolutely stunning opening panels. Those are some of the best visuals I've ever seen not only in a comic, but in... Practically everything I've seen in my life haha. They set the tone so well, we get immersed in this reality really quickly and I was instantly curious about your world. Really well done on those. And the fact that on the back of these mellow toned visuals that look oh so inviting plays the bleak and dreary narration... That is just fantastic. We understand that no matter how pretty this world looks like or how advanced it is, it's far from a perfect world. I just love that. Another thing I have to praise: the writing itself. I love the style, the figures of speech, the visuals it creates. It's really well written.

Now, technicalities:

So... I understand why the exposition was needed and I feel you've done a great job at presenting the world to us without making it feel too overwhelming. The only issue with how the exposition and introduction of the main characters was done was maybe that it felt, at times, as too much of an info dump. I would have preferred you focused more on the characters, for example, as the writing is good and the art is fantastic in enhancing it. The fact we see the characters going about their day, with their thoughts in the background about who they are, that's great. For example, my favourite character introduction is the second character. You don't go out of your way to have the character explain the world, it just naturally plays out as we watch the character wander through the world. But I think some of the details related to the world could have been worked into the plot a bit better. It's, by no means, jarring - it just can feel like a bit of an info dump. But the writing and visuals do really help in alleviating that feeling.
p. 4: you have 'mi' instead of my
p. 6: 'Today I'm wearing the gray uniform of the gray days' - I'm not sure what you wanted to say here? Do they wear a different coloured uniform for each day of the week? If that's the intended message, it could have been phrased as: 'Today is a gray day, like every other Tuesday' or something like that
p. 8: you have 'the fly away' instead of they fly away
When they get selected and are... Transported (?) in the same place... Why are they not more confused? Has this happened before? If it has, I would expect a line like 'Why is this happening again?' or 'This again?' If it hasn't happened before then... To put it simply, if I were in that situation, I would go in full panic mode. Or at least I'd be questioning who these two other strangers were and how was it possible we were the only ones that have not stopped moving. I know they are having a discussion about the situation, but there's not really much to go on emotionally. They don't make introductions, don't discuss possible theories, nobody is wondering why were they the ones chosen etc. I feel this would be a pivotal moment in the plot, so I was a bit underwhelmed by how little time was dedicated to it, if you know what I mean. You could have, for example, shown them trying to attempt communication with other people or, at the very least, introducing themselves to each other. And why am I going about the introduction? Because the next pages show them getting along as if they are good ol' friends. And nowhere up to that point we are given the impression they know each other even - on the contrary, they seem to come from radically different backgrounds.
p. 21 & 22: Oh, do I love these pages. Fantastic story telling. We get a real sense of the time passing and slowly growing more hopeless things will get back to normal as they hoped. If, at first, we see them act as if this is a temporary situation and they sleep on the couch together and stuff, towards the end we get to see them practically getting resigned to the situation. I just love these pages, they are fantastic.

That would be all there. This is, once again, beautiful. Great writing, splendid visuals, interesting premise and characters. Personal favourite is the tone - it plays into this idea that, no matter how much technology evolves and how fast we make things, we are still disconnected. I understand this is just the beginning of the story, but man, what a great beginning. The world feels complex and so much bigger than the characters we follow and the characters themselves still feel like a mystery - I am thoroughly invested in this.

Thanks for sharing, this was a fantastic read. And you've both done such an awesome job! Really well done, can't wait for you to come back with more.

VandaQ 2018-06-27 21:12:54 UTC #37

Hi there. I went through that chapter, so here we go. Once again, it's only chapter 13 I will give feedback on, as that's what I read.

First thing I noticed were the rich descriptions about the places and characters. I love them, they really help me visualize the world and at no point did I feel it was an info dump. Really well done with that. I can't pronounce myself about the characters and plot, but I do love how the characters in this chapter had all a particular way of speaking and slight differences in the way they behaved. It really helps us remember them.

Let's get into technicalities:

'black, fuzzy, squirming, cylinder': no need for comma before 'cylinder' as the previous adjectives describe the object
'And?,': no need for comma after question or exclamation marks. You just go on with the sentence. Example: 'Hi, Raven!' said the boy or: 'Are you okay?' asked the woman
'You're friend': I have noticed this repeating further in the chapter. The correct form there is: your. It's a possessive pronoun, which shows ownership. 'You're', on the other hand, is a contraction of: you + are. The easiest way to make the difference is: Is this supposed to mean this noun is in the possession of someone? If yes, use: my, mine, our, ours, its, his, her, hers, their, theirs, your and yours. And use 'you're' when you want to say: 'you are'
'The illustration of [...] flanked the side of the page': This is just me gushing about the beautiful wording; what a brilliant use of the word 'flanked'. I absolutely love it
Repetitions. Sometimes you repeat words and, although it's not very jarring, I could notice it. Two words I saw repeated a lot in this chapter were 'pages' and 'planet/s'. Perhaps when you proofread keep an eye out for words that repeat. And if they do, try to develop new images to describe the word you're replacing
Sometimes I felt some of the feelings the MC is experiencing have been told to me rather than shown. I would have liked if you paid more attention to how the characters move. Instead of saying she is surprised or shocked, you could have also shown us that with: 'Camilla's eyebrows rose while her eyes pinned the creature down with an intense stare'. I'd love to see more of the internal description going on, as your description is beautiful and it's clear you know how to do it. So give us a few more details - those small things will enrich not only your characters but also the realism of the world, will get the reader to empathize with your MC

That aside, I think this is really well done. I like the fact not everything is very exposition-y and you work details about the world into the plot. And, once again, I appreciate your description so much. For now, I'd say keep up the good work! Thanks for sharing, it was really enjoyable.

EugenioM 2018-06-28 17:45:12 UTC #38

Thanks a lot for this superb feedback!
We really appreciate the time and effort you spent in reading and review Nobody in Cassandra. I am sure that your comments will be hepful.

Oh, I really agree with you on this point. I have thought many times that characters would be needed sometime to understand what has happened and know each other. Unfortunately, the number of pages determines many things in this comic

Yeah, Sara Cuervo is an amazing artist! I´m very lucky to work with her. Nobody in Cassandra would be a absolutely different comic without his talent

The comic is now on hiatus but we hope to return soon as soon as possible.

Thank you so much again!

beta1042 2018-06-28 18:01:51 UTC #39

Y'know I'd love some detailed feedback if you're not too swamped with all the other requests, I'd really appreciate it. Just a couple things- I already have been notified of my constant error of dropping periods and doing two dot ellipsis(so you don't need to bring those to my attention, I'm slowly going back and fixing those). Also not sure how much you'll read, but if you only read the beginning, I'd rather not hear review of my art on the early chapters- it changes considerably after ep 27- if you want to comment on the newer art that's fine tho!

Marton 2018-06-28 18:23:00 UTC #40

This seems just like what i need, I'd like to hear your thoughts on the story/pacing/characters etc. for my zombie series Zotagius. It's only 3 chapters but each chapter is huge.

I'm mostly interested in what you think about the story, but please comment on the writing. Is it believable? Is it obvious I'm not native English-speaker. If so, did it bother you? I'm finally back working on the series, so feedback would be much appreciated. Thanks!