Hi Tired Programmer.
Sorry you went through depression from such an early age. If you haven`t gone through therapy, i recommend it if you can afford it. Depression is the brain seeing things in a biased way due to imbalances of chemicals.
That is why excercising is a common recommendation for depressed people. It helps release endorphines, which help with the mood. Even if it is a partial help, you will notice the difference. No need to go "pro", things like riding a bike to work or practicing a sporty activity you enjoy help too. Make sure is something you like.
About self love: Many people see love to themselves and to others as a fleeting feeling, and as such is a passive variable thing. I prefer to look it as a choice and a bunch of actions because it encourages me to actively work on myself and helping the people i love. Of course, just saying that will not instantly change my behavior, but it helps to work on a transition to a healthy self perfection.
Is common to fail at first when trying to work on this mindset, but habits are like that. It takes active work, and at first may seem hard, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.
Just in case you are seriously considering suicide (hopefully not, this thought really scares me):
Suicide is an action taken on an impulse, and as such it does not consider many scenarios, like the possibility of regret while in the proccess of killing oneself.
A 1978 study of 515 people who were prevented from attempting suicide on the Golden Gate Bridge between 1937 and 1971 found after more than 26 years 94% were still alive or had died of natural causes.
Many rare survivors of Golden Gate Bridge suicide attempts recall regretting their impulsive decisions instantly — even as they were falling. A couple survivors who jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge told their stories to The New Yorker back in 2003, like then-18-year-old Kevin Hines who jumped in 2000 after pacing on the bridge for a half hour while passersby ignored him.
Also.... if you kill yourself, me and all the friends you made here will miss you. You are a smart, talented, fun and interesting person and i really enjoy hanging out with you.
Personally i consider you a friend and hope we can chat and fool around for many years more.