Hi there. First, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm quoting you but others might read if they need to.
This sounds similar to what I felt when I was at my lowest. I can only tell you what happened to me, and what I did. Things might work differently for you.
One day, I just woke up feeling miserable. I wanted to sleep forever, and the act of waking up was painful.
I had no reason to feel like that. My life wasn't bad. I was in no danger. Physically, I was healthy. Even my doctor said that after lab examinations.
But instead, I stopped eating. The act of eating disgusted me, and I had to forced down food because I WANTED to stay alive. I had frequent panic attacks over nothing. Even in my own house, on my own soft warm bed.
I didn't want to feel happy. For months, the only wish I had was to feel NOTHING. I just wanted for the pain to stop. I told that to 3 people I trusted. And their replies broke my heart. I understand why they act that way though. In everyone's eyes, I was the brightest person who can stay calm at all time. I'd smile in the toughest situation. I was dependable, not someone who scream for help.
I understood that, when the brain is happy, it sometimes can't comprehend other people's sadness. Others around me can try to empathise, but they are not me. I was lonely, even when I was surrounded by love.
I went to forums for suicide support. I talked to people. I know for a fact that there are many, many others in worse situation than me. I talked to them. But after a while, the relief feeling stopped.
"I'm a lucky person, I should be happy. Then why I feel miserable?".
I went to my doctor again, he gave me medicines. They tasted really bad.
My doctor was afraid that I would depend on the medicine too much, that I'd get addicted to it. That I'd be incapable to feel happy on my own.
Well. My body was in bad state. So I started to use my bicycle everyday.
The first weeks, The bike was for me, heavy and tiresome. Later, working out made me feel better. My body was healthy, and it told my mind that it's healthy too.
I quit drinking medicine. And one day, I woke up... feeling alright. I wasn't disappointed to be "alive". My mood stopped going up and down.
I knew what death is from the age of 4. I had someone in the family dead by suicide. I saw someone jump to their dead. I heard the sound of their body crashed on the ground. I had someone told me he was searching for a good place to die with the happiest smile. I didn't understand that until it was too late. He was bright like the sun, someone who would laugh even at the end of the world. I was foolish to not understand his pain.
So, I'm writing this in case someone else need to hear it.
Please don't take depression lightly. Because true sadness is miserable.
It will pass, and you may need help. I left it untreated for years. Now my mind feels better, but I wouldn't wish upon anyone to go through what I went through. Not even my worst enemy.
Reach for professional help if it's possible. Change your lifestyle.
It might be long and painful with sleepless nights, crying for no reason.
But please don't bottom up. For some, they risk to pour that anger of loneliness upon the dear people around them. And feel even worse than before. Because they feel like no one would understand their pain. No matter how much they scream and cry.
Sometimes, I'm afraid to tell a depressed person the cheesy motivational lines on the internet. Because at the end of the day, the one who'll have to deal with their own pain is them and not me.
Sorry for my English and my long post.
I won't tell you it'll get better, because your mind may not believe those words.
You may won't believe me, someone on the other side of the screen on the internet.
I won't tell you how to think or how to act.
But I hope you'll sleep well. I hope you'll find your meals warm and tasty.
I hope that one day, you can look back and be stronger than before.