I fear that what I will write will sound like whining, or rather that I do not have real problems, which is most probably the case. And yet, here I am, freaking out.
I have joined this community some while ago. What was it? 2 years ago, more or less? And from that period I have been absent about 6 months. Which makes sense. People come, people go. Especially on such websites. What I do not understand about myself, about what happened around the very same time I stopped actively taking part in the discussions in this community, is that I completely emotionally shut myself off.
I disappeared from the lives of people. I did not speak to my childhood friend of 18 years for the last year. She is used to it. She is used to the fact that we do not truly love each other, that all our relationship is based on a sort of social self-interest, that I personally feel is more to her advantage than mine. And which I generally accept willingly. She writes messages from time to time, messages I do not read. Messages whose presence in my inbox irritates me. My best friend just wrote me a text from the other side of the world, in the middle of his apartment hunting in Moscow (if anyone ever lived in Moscow, they know how emotionally taxing apartment hunting can be there), to tell me he couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't take the silence. He couldn't take the emotional disconnect. And my only reaction was … nothing. In fact, I was once again irritated that he wrote to me. I won't even speak of the toll it is taking on the only family member I have.
I am in a field where I need to look "normal" (truly as the statistical definition of the word, I need to appear as the average representative of the society I live in). I am not like that, though. I am back in the darkest place of my life, my childhood, when I used to stare at people and study them to understand what situations warrant what facial expression, what tone of voice, what words. And it is eating me alive. I feel like people who are not important to me personally, but who are part of my REAL LIFE, my physical reality, are sucking all the energy out of me. I am trying to bend myself to fit their moulds. Because that is what you do in my field.
I write about my field a lot. And the logical answer to my problems is "change fields". And that is the real answer, the only solution. And yet, it appears to me as the least realistic of all solutions. Heck, telling me to just go live on the moon appears more palatable (though it doesn't, because then I would not be in that field of mine anyone). There are so many completely strange and bizarre realities that keep me where I am.
So here I am, coming back to the Tapas forum. Where I remember last being somewhat in good shape, where communicating with people was effortless, where I used to weigh normally, where I used to eat normally, where my hands didn't shake and where I used to laugh and smile.
I have a problem. I am not sure where the problem is right now. What I do know however is that I cannot afford professional help
Thus you guys being stuck with these ramblings of someone who would need a good meal because she most probably has been just very hangry for the last 6 months.