So this is the third short story I've written & illustrated. I'm very, uh, not confident on my writing so I'd like to get some feedback on the pacing and how well it conveyed emotion etc. Don't worry about being too harsh, I can take critique, it's just hard to get some sometimes ^^; Only thing even close to critique I received was "so it's a spin-off of bambi" on webtoons and that made no sense so....!
Apr '17
Apr '17
If you don't mind, I'll give it a try ^^
I love the art style, you did a great job in conveying the emotions, the pacing was good, and the lettering is clear.
At page 9 and later at page 13 I got confused about what happened; I suppose the people were bullying her because of her horns and she blamed the suffering on her friend? (could be just me, but it took me a minute to figure out xD), and she suddenly receives a mountain of letters after receiving nothing for a long time. Why and how did that happen? Why did she receive all those letters at once suddenly?
Last thing that was a bit off for me was the ending; I love that they were together again and the blossoming was really cute ^^ But it happened rather suddenly, and without explanation. I kinda missed a page there at the end, with the two sitting together smiling at each other with their blooming horns ^^
I hope this is useful >.< I have little experience with writing shorts, but I know that getting the pacing right is a tricky thing. Pretty much the only thing you can do is to let others read it, and ask them if something's off, it's very hard to fix yourself because you already know the story and the meaning behind it. ^^ Overall I love the short, keep up the good work, practice makes perfect ^^ I hope you'll get more (and better) feedback here!
@MaggieW
thank you so much! But the mountain of letters thing, the comic reads "some stamped a lifetime ago", and letters are stamped when they are mailed, so this was meant to imply that the letters got lost. I guess that would've been clearer if I used a word like "dated", but that wouldn't neccesarily meant they were sent a long time ago, only that they were written a long time ago. And the horns were kind of meant to represent their love and the stigma that follows same-sex relationships! I rather like to leave short stories kinda abstract, but I probably cut it a little too short as you said ^^; Thank you for the time you took to write feedback, I really appreciate it <3
I have some feedback, too 😀 Let me start by saying that I like your art style, even though I generally despise mangas. It's nice speed painting and it has soul. A couple of times I've seen odd body proportions, but oh well, anatomy is tough.
As for the writing, I didn't get that horns represented same-sex relationships - but it could be because all manga characters look like asexual minions to me, so I couldn't identify which sex belonged either one of your characters. I simply thought they were doing something considered wrong by society, but I couldn't connect that to homosexuality. Given that I'm a lesbian and I didn't get it... You may wish to talk to other lesbians or gay guys to confirm. But then again, do keep in mind that I have extreme difficulties understanding any manga character's sex, so it could be just me 😂😂😂
At any rate, because I couldn't make the connection, I was left with a sense of puzzlement. I understand that the blossoming meant acceptance of themselves, though.
All in all, I could follow your story more or less easily, but I couldn't fully enjoy it because the most important detail was lost on me. Maybe making that more explicit would help.
I hope it helps!
I really liked it! I think the pacing was overall good, the emotions are well conveyed and the idea is clear.
The only note I can give is the ending lacked a little more strenght? it wasn't the end per se, the idea is very good, it's probably more a matter of organizing, making use of space to express rythm, like you did with that 'she came back' single page, it gives a pause and let the idea and emotion sink in. So for me the last page was a bit too fast for a last page and reveal.
Also, on a little note, the 'so we decided to try page' I just realised it was two hands holding pinky fingers on a second reading.
I hope it helps. ^^
@infectedbloodcomics
Thanks for the crit! First off I would like to say that in the future you should probably leave the over the top animu-bashing out, not that I particulary take offense to it, but it makes it seem like you're very biased, when your crit was mostly fair, though I found it rather odd that you missed their genders, as one of the two characters is called with nothing but female pronouns, and the character that's in the role of the narrator does have traditionally feminine characteristics (visible breasts, skirt, long hair etc...) I feel like you might've been a little biased with this part due to your obvious distaste for manga-influenced artstyles.
Rest of the crit was fair though,I agree with most of it, and I'm glad for the feedback! Thank you!
Thanks for the crit! I agree, the ending probably needed another extra page. And yeah, the hand cutout I went a little overboard with it;; I treated this comic kind of as something for me to just mess around with ideas with. Glad you liked it though!
