First chapter feedback -- novels only! (CLOSED)

[vapidink]

Hello! Done with the first chapter of your story, and I think it's good! Zane's an interesting character and you did a good job at showing who he is from the start. The dream sequence was also pretty well done and a good way to hint at what's coming.

The only issue I had was that I still don't really know where the story is really going. For reviews, I like to jump into the story without reading the summary to see whether I can get a good feel for what the story is about with just the first chapter, and I still don't know where this one is heading. The first chapter feels like a prologue that will make sense once the story progresses and is missing the thing that kicks things into gear. What's the inciting incident?

Other than that, I found a couple things that I think could be fixed with a round of edits. Generally, the grammar is pretty good with some issues with dialogue punctuation. Nothing big, and I like how descriptive you got with Zane's emotions and with setting the scene. You do a really good job at building up the mood and, again, your characters so far feel vibrant and relatable. The little notes at the start are also a nice touch!

[vapidink]

No problem, thank you for sharing your story!

So, when I say add layers I just mean to elaborate on the scene. Your story feels very sparse at the moment, with the things that are happening simply being stated but no descriptions or details being provided. A good way to practice how to build up a scene would be to just describe what you're doing as if you were writing a story. Try to paint a picture.

So you can write:

I'm sitting on my bed and typing on my laptop. I look out the window and watch the sun set over the city.

Or you can write:

The clickety-clack of the keys can be heard over the sound of the TV as I type on my laptop. I look up from my seat on the bed and watch the fiery, orange light of the setting sun as it sinks behind the horizon. A cool breeze blows in through the open window while the sounds of the city outside filter in.

Basically, just take what you have and add the details you see in your mind when you think of the story. What do your characters look like? Where are they and what are they doing? How do they feel and how are they affected by the events of the story?

[TheOnsetOfNight]

Thank you . I'll try to add more details

[yakusoku]

Thank you so much for your feedback!

You’re absolutely right. See the first chapter was originally intended to serve as a prologue, and I honestly forgot to label it as such. I really appreciate you pointing that out, as well as your notes on punctuation (i will make sure to fix those in the future). If it’s possible, could you let me know what some of those fixable things were? I’d love to improve on them as well. Thanks again for taking the time to read and share your thoughts it means a lot ️.

[vapidink]

No problem, thanks for sharing your story!

But yeah, I'd honestly consider starting at a point closer to the actual start of the story. As far as the edits, I only remember there were some dialogue tags that didn't need to be capitalized and there was a sentence where "I" wasn't capitalized twice. I don't really remember the others, lol.

[vapidink]

Hello! I'm done reading the first chapter of your story and it was pretty good! You did a good job at making the story flow smoothly. The pacing was also good, the story neither dragging nor feeling too rushed. It was also nice to see the peaceful atmosphere before the turning point in the second half of the chapter.

The main thing I would recommend is to get a little more into the characters, into how they're feeling and what they might be thinking. It would be nice to see a little more of how the characters are affected by the events of the story, though we do get a little of that at the end with King Hamza.

I liked the little details about the world of the story you gave, like Queen Anila using magic. The story also ended on a good note with the bit of foreshadowing of things to come. It was a really good way to hold readers' attention.

In general, I think you did a really good job with your first chapter!

[vapidink]

Hello! Done with your first chapter and it was really good! Your characters definitely have different voices even with just the little bit I read about them. I think you did a good job in letting their dialogue show who they were, even with just the word choice and the tone. They're all interesting characters and that, coupled with what you've shown about the world of the story, really build up this sense of intrigue to carry on to the next chapter.

I do think you might have gone a little bit too heavy with the descriptions at the start. The things you were describing were definitely helpful in building up the setting and mood, but there was a little too much too soon, especially as it was the opening of the chapter. It also felt a little off and I couldn't put my finger on why until that scene ended.

So, because the story is in first person POV the amount of detail put into describing the surroundings felt a little unnatural. Most people wouldn't notice too much about the structures around them given the situation, like the pattern of the bricks on the exterior walls, but they might notice the way the dust obscures their vision and the feeling of the grains of sand in their eyes. I think sensory details might be something that is missing while visual ones are being accentuated. Given that your background is in comics, I think it might be an issue of leaning more towards visuals. You're painting this picture for readers but you're forgetting to include the character.

Right now, we're in Jonathan's head, so what is he thinking? What is he feeling? We get a little of that at the end when he reflects on the way he feels about the other characters and it's a nice bit. It would just be cool to dig into his mind a little more deeply as we'll be in it for the remainder of the story.

Other than that, I really enjoyed it! I think there's some little issues like the dialogue tags, specifically the punctuation (using a comma instead of a period and not capitalizing dialogue tags, only action tags). There were bits that flowed a bit oddly and some sentence fragments in the second paragraph that made me pause. But yeah, in general I think your writing is good, your characters are distinct and there's definitely a strong voice that carries through your writing!

[bulgariansumo]

If you're open again, I'd love some feedback on my first chapter. If not, no rush!

Read Galactiquest | Tapas Web Community

[mohdadeebace]

here is mine...

Read Volkermord :: Episode 1 - Chapter 1: Almost felt Like a Nightmare. | Tapas...

[IndigoShirtProd]

Thanks so much! Yea, I really like those descriptions . I'll make sure to add more of the main character's feelings and edit the descriptions down. It's hard to as they're my favorite part of writing. And I'll be sure to double check the punctuation too.

[njsleviathan]

Hi there!!

I'd love some feedback as well! Here's my link: https://tapas.io/series/The-Demon-Kings-Prophecy/info

Description: 🥀Vivian's life turned upside down in a single day: She lost her job, her apartment and her life. When a demon asks for her soul and her hand in marriage, will she take the deal?🥀

TYSM,
Leviathanis

[Yunatsuki]

Hello,
Here is my novel !

Genre : action, BL, drama, crime and fighting

Plot : Gwenval, a gifted musician, and Ashlay, a young entrepreneur, will learn to love each other as they fight against their inner demons and many dangers.

Read Blazing Symphonia :: (Arc 1) Chapter 1 : Love at first sight | Tapas...

[yakusoku]

Thanks for the tips! I’ll also check and fix those capitalization issues.

[Aero]

Bit nervous about it but I'd love some honest thoughts on this piece of work It's dark in nature though, just as a warning! Feel free to be as harsh as possible

Read Murder in the Rearview :: (1) Fractured Past | Tapas Community

[NewAgeComics]

Hello
I hope you're still giving feedback. Here's my novel. Love to hear what you have to say

Read Through Mortal Eyes | Tapas Web Community

[vapidink]

Hello! Done with the first chapter and it's really good! You did a great job introducing Leon. His enthusiastic but frazzled personality really came through and he seems like a great character to focus a story about space exploration on. His eagerness to experience new things and his upbeat attitude lend the story a lot of energy that carries through to the prose.

There are a couple spots where I think you could do with a little more description. The pictures you added are lovely but the story still needs to carry it's own weight and I think there are places where it can be enhanced by some more detailing. You have some bits that are great and stand out, like the part where Leon feels a breeze and thinks how it might be the last time he does so, that was a great line.

As far as grammar, it's good. I really didn't see anything that jumped out save a couple spots following dialogue where an action tag wasn't capitalized and you have commas instead of periods, but that's tiny stuff.

The only other thing I can think of--and this might be because I'm used to writing morbid stuff--is that there wasn't a big hook. Yes, Leon is setting off on an adventure and we're meeting the captain, but there's nothing to hint at conflict. I'm guessing it's because this is a more character driven story. I did check out the summary after I read the story and I see it's more of a band of misfits on a gamble of a mission and that sounds interesting!

Maybe it's because the focus is so heavily placed on Leon at the start. Though there was that little mention of the IF having their funding cut and the guard laughing at Leon, so again, there's some very good bits that hint at the bigger picture. It might just be a good thing to include a little more. Like, what was Leon's impression on the other rangers when he first saw them?

But yeah, I think it's a good start and I like Leon and Emil. The artwork is very nice too. It give off a very bright sort of feeling, very energetic. Love the colors and the character design. So yeah, great job and hope this helps!

[vapidink]

No problem! Lol, I get it, I can get fancy with descriptions too and I think you do really well with the imagery. It was just a little too much too soon. First chapters are a pain because you have to make the start snappy so people keep reading. Once you hook them you can have a little more breathing room.

[bulgariansumo]

Thank you so much for your feedback! I'll see what I can do about fleshing out those descriptions and hinting at more of the overarching story. Fixing dialogue tags is something I'll probably have to get to when I do my big edit after the first book is done. I'm really glad Leon's personality shines through and that the art fits the overall vibe.

[vapidink]

Hello! Sorry this took me a bit but I looked over your first chapter, well, Episode one. I took a glance at the chapter before that but skipped it because it was just a lot of exposition. Also, is this supposed to be in script format? I do have some experience with screenwriting, but not with comic scripts. I went ahead and took a look at it anyway.

Let's see, there's not a lot to go on. I don't know what the characters or their surroundings look like, so it's difficult to picture what's going on in the story. That makes it very hard to be immersed and be interested in the plot and characters. It feels like voices speaking into a void because we're not told what the characters are doing or what tone they use to speak. With screenwriting, scenes still include descriptions even if just to convey tone and the setting.

It almost feels like you alternate between two extremes. On the one hand, details are very sparse in during the dialogue. On the other hand, you have a lot of exposition that just tells us about the characters instead of showing us who they are as the story progresses.

As far as grammar, there's a lot of tense changes, punctuation issues, and run on sentences. I would also recommend breaking up the larger paragraphs because it can be hard to read on a screen and it's probably rougher on a phone.

The premise is pretty interesting and the chapter definitely ended on an interesting note. It was a very good hook to keep readers going. It's just tough because It might be a great comic or novel but it's caught in an awkward in-between. My advice would really just be to commit to one format.

[vapidink]

Hello! I looked over your first chapter and it was good! You did a pretty good job at introducing your characters and making them distinct. Vivian's frustration was palpable and Bertholda was such a frustrating character to read through. Which is good, lol.

The only thing that pulled me out of the story a little was Bertholda being so straightforward about the very shitty reason for firing Vivian. Maybe I've just lived in the US for too long, but that just sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen. Vivian's reaction felt a little too passive in this case, especially with Bertholda being so mild-mannered.

Grammar was good in general and the story moved smoothly. You also did a good job with giving Vivian a strong voice. I really think it just needs a hook of some sort. I feel for Vivian, but the stakes feel very small and personal by the end of the chapter. I went back and read the summary and that sounds interesting, but the first chapter doesn't get to the hook, which is the demon part.

But yeah, solid writing, good characterization and an interesting premise!

Oh, one more thing, I dunno why your chapter's marked mature. There wasn't anything in the chapter to warrant that rating and it makes it harder to get reads.