Yes, I think we are talking past each other, we are criticizing western perspectives but different aspects and for different reasons. I follow your reasoning and I do agree that self-centeredness and control are separate things, they aren't always tied together. I wasn't addressing this point specifically though.
I think we diverge in that I am saying the idea of self totally determines whether or not the parents think they have control. How can you feel you have control, or how can you look at something and say it has control, when there is no idea of "you" or "I" in the first place? There's just "us" or "society"? The idea of control at that point becomes irrelevant since everything is always "controlled" by the collective.