I meant to post on this when it dropped and noticed that I still have the tab open... So, yeah... xD
Nothing comes to mind as an embarrassing thing. I kinda laugh at who I used to be, so if anyone else does, maybe I'll just laugh along.
But... A while ago, I became friends with someone, and I mean a while back. After about two years all this shit happened, and we both had feelings for one another, so we tried to advance our relationship and that went downhill. Like, dangerously downhill. We both had anxiety fits, didn't understand how to deal with shit, had trouble rebuilding things, I wrote some cope poetry, and she didn't like that at all. She got more hurt, I got more hurt, and we just fell away from one another. Then I made a huge mistake. After talking to my therapist, he and I came to the rad conclusion of, "hey, you're doing a lot better, you've faced shit you didn't know about yourself, you've grown and really taken a better perspective on the situation." And we thought, "how about I stride my ass on down, say, 'hey, friend, sorry for things. Let's get food, sit down, talk, and see how to move forward without hating ourselves for what we fucked up.'" (And it took a long time for me to accept that we both fucked up and that it wasn't all my fault. I expected she felt the same way. I couldn't have been more wrong. But I won't get ahead of myself.)
So I decide to take a nice drive on down to her place. Where I had never been. An hour on the freeway. As I left, I learned that my phone, being the great device it is, had deleted all of my messages, so her address was gone. I decided to keep going, anyway. Then, my tire flew off of my car and I had to stop on the roadside until I fixed it and headed back home. This was a really poor decision.
I had texted her dad to tell him I was going to head out. He called later that day and told me it was a horrible idea. I chalked it up to, "this is just how it's meant to be, then. We'll go our separate ways."
More time passed and I see a mutual connection we'd had. He pulls me aside and asks, "what the fuck is wrong with you, man?" I was confused. We got into it. He told me that she was saying I was stalking her for over two years and trying to hurt her. All her friends suddenly felt like an army out to overwhelm me, and I felt like if I spoke, I would be ridiculed for trying to open my mouth. I told him everything, and he nodded his way through, understanding that there shouldn't be "sides" to the situation, and that we just had a disagreement. We both agreed that my attempt to drive out to see her was a poor decision in this specific predicament, but that the intentions were heartfelt. He and I parted just fine.
But a friend said she's still saying that I stalked her and that we were "sorta friends" but that I just became extremely flirty and forceful, and that she never liked me much at all.
I'm afraid of her friends, because I think they'd all spit at me if I were near, and I wouldn't get a chance to speak. I understand that I made a poor decision (I'm stuck in the 90's and 2000's era where going to a girl's window and singing to her was a dream of any teenager.), but I feel like the backfire to a stupid choice is a little harsh.
So to answer the topic, I feel like if I ever became well-known and well-received, if this girl is truly against me, she might create a small branch of people who would slander me without listening to another perspective. And it sucks, because I still don't want her to get hurt, so I wouldn't want anyone to defend me or oppress her. It's just a shitshow I kicked up when I tripped, I guess.
(Aftereffects)
All in all, I've come to peace with her being gone. I hit a major wall of grief, but I also came to the end of that road. Over a year later, I came to accept that we had great times together and that I will always miss our friendship. But I still gained and learned a lot from her. And I hope that she might face herself and her fears and anguish, and one day come to be at peace with it, too. But she usually stuffs things away, so I don't know what'll happen. I just feel bad for being another fuck up to her.
The major downside, though, is that I'm not only afraid of her hatred toward me, but I'm just afraid of ever trying to be with anyone again. xD
I've had three poor "relationships" in my life. I've never dated anyone. But I fucked up from anxiety when I was really young and hurt my friend. This was the first time I experienced loss. Next was just with a girl who was really, really screwed up. She just left without a word in the end. She came back this year trying to ask for money and help, and I tried to help, but she wouldn't accept it. She's homeless and addicted to meth, and there is nothing I could have done to help. We tried. Then, there was the girl this post was about. I told her I would fuck things up, and that I was afraid of getting hurt, and about everything prior, and her reply was "Your ass is stuck with me." And then when I fucked up, we weren't stuck together at all. I was left alone again, and she labeled me a stalker and a freak.
I despise relationships created over a few days, because I had a lot of family issues as a kid (I won't get into it), and because of that I want to create a better family than what I was adopted into. But after I've fallen for people over years of being friends with them, then having them crush me into the dirt, I almost hate relationships completely. I believe that love is a thing. But I feel like its really missing these days. And I'm pent up with fear and anger.
So instead of future embarrassment, mine's more of future loathing.
Sorry for ranting like I always do in my posts. Long distance, and even short distance relationships suck. Even in-person ones. I'm avoiding them, because trust isn't shit to people. Flay me.
