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Lazu
May '20
1

-PAUSED, but feel free to post links anyway. Can't promise anything about when I'll get to them, tho-
Hey there!
As someone who writes novels on Tapas myself, I know how disheartening it is not to get any feedback on the stuff your doing and how hard it is to promote yourself.
Which is why!

I'll read a few novels and give feedback on them.

BEFORE YOU POST:
-Your novel should have less than 200 subs
-I'm pretty harsh and hardcore with my critique, so please keep that in mind before posting (In a constructive and polite way ofc)
-I'll most likely only do the first 1-3 chapters of 5 novels (Maybe more, we'll see)
-Write 'Chili' so I know you read this, otherwise I will not read your novel
-Please tell me if there is something you would like me to pay extra attention to or something in specific you want me to give comments about - Otherwise I'll just give an overall view

That's that!
Please check out my novels if you feel like it (Not a requirement)

  • created

    May '20

  • last reply

    May '20
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tangaroa
May '20

Thanks for the offer. There's no Chili in this story yet...

ivanskilling
May '20

That's very kind of you to offer!

I appreciate any feedback on my recent novel. I can take harsh like a Chili. :wink:

Aims
May '20
1

I would like a more character-focused review, please and thank you (like your first impressions of them and if they're likable on nah). And I could go for some Chili now that you mentioned it... :sweat: I haven't eaten it in ages...

sarahmassey998
May '20

just under the wire! ready for some CHILLing reading!

Lazu
May '20
tangaroa

Done!

Here goes:
In novels, we need to know what’s going on, but if you can, try to cut down on explanations that aren’t that necessary, such as the “The sheriff had some news for Andy” -since the reader will be told the news, and as such know what we are talking about.
A round-about-way to do this, could maybe be to add the “I got some news for you, Andy” into the dialogue instead. -This happens multiple times
I don’t know what you are going for with the scene cuts. These makes sense if you were writing a comic script or a movie script, but when reading, they kind of disturb the flow.
To get the same effect, you could maybe just at a “At the rosewater saloon a rough but handsome man sat at the bar”, and do this the other places as well, to keep it “in” the novel.
I feel like there is a bit too many scenecuts. I would suggest that you try to mix the short scenes into the dialogue or narrative of the larger scenes, also building those out at the same time, so we get more fully fleshed out scenes, over a lot of scenes that feels kind of lacking.
Especially because it can be kind of confusing to read.
I also feel like we get introduced to a lot of characters at once, and though you pick it up a bit later again, I would like it if we could get it done a bit less all-at-once.
Overall: I think it’s a really great language you use. I really like your sense of humor and the comedy contained in the story. The premise is also interesting, and the way it’s written easily makes the story come to life – Except for the few things I mentioned above.
One final suggestion, maybe consider making your chapters shorter. It would be a lot easier to get into like that, I think. But maybe that’s about preference.
I only read the first chapter, but I’ll read more as a subscriber later. Hope you could use my feedback to something :blush:

Lazu
May '20
ivanskilling

Here you go, hope you can use it :slight_smile:

Starting off great, with a great, nice and easy prologue to read, setting the mood for what’s to come.
I would suggest you consider reading your chapters out loud, as it might help you see that there is a lot of repeating words in a relatively short amount of text, which throws the reading rhythm off a bit. Stuff like this is mostly unnoticed by oneself, which is why reading it out loud usually can help you catch these things :blush:
Hmm, so I’m a bit confused. The prologue seemed to make me think that the story would seem like something that had been told. But if that’s the case, it’s kind of confusing with the chat’s popping up, and the until now seemingly-unrelated viewpoints of chapter 2 and 3. I feel a bit confused, as I am lacking a bit more information to who a character actually is, before we without warning get a chapter about some other characters. I do see where you are going with the contrasts, like the different viewpoints on ‘normal’, but I would still like a bit more introduction or explanation.
I like the how you string together words, and the way you give your characters so much personality in not so much space.
I kind of feel like I’m lacking an overview of the situation, but I’m guessing I’ll get that a bit more if I keep reading. Other than that, you might want to consider to make your chapters a bit more equal of length, so people can expect what they are getting (I only base this on the difference between chapter 2 and 3, you might already have this down)
Lastly, I just want to mention that I feel like we are lacking some atmosphere, stuff that descriptions of smells and touch can give us, and not only what we view and hear.

Lazu
May '20
Aims

So, as you requested I will focus on the characters – Just one thing before I do so.
I don’t really see the need for you having to bold any text, as you already write who says what when it becomes needed, so it just feels a bit unneeded. -But ofc, you do you. Just wanted to mention it :blush:

So, characters.
I think you waste a lot of opportunities to show off even more of their personalities. You can do this instead of writing “He said” or “He asked” and so on, and instead write HOW he said it, or HOW he asked, or what faces he made while asking, or with which tone he said something. -There is a lot of options. This also helps it get a bit less repetitive.

Another thing I noticed was how you immediately began to describe the characters when I didn’t know them at all. It made me wonder if there was a third not-named character when you mentioned a Pale Orphan. Try to establish who your characters are first, before you refer to them with other things. I get what you are trying to do with describing them, and it would work even better if you just wait a bit with this. -Also… Is it really okay to refer to your characters as “orphan” as if that is equal to a name?

I’m not super much for dialogue-heavy novels where they “Just talk”, I feel like there is a lot of lack of action between the dialogue.

However, the dialogue was enjoyable to read and I really get the feeling that the two (and more) has been friends for a while, and know each other well, so that’s great. I just really miss more personality from them that can be given through actions rather than what they say. They HOW is basically lacking a bit overall.
I read 2 chapters :blush:

Hope you could use it :slight_smile:

Lazu
May '20
sarahmassey998

This is supposed to be horror and suspense, right?
I feel like the part meant to set up for the entire thing feels a bit too fast, where I would expect it to be a bit slower and upbuilding, letting me get a taste of what’s to come instead of rushing through it.
This might only be my misinterpretation, of course.

I only read the first chapter, since it was a bit long. I like how you write, though it can feel a bit heavy and I would love if you mixed in some lighter sentences here and there to make it easier to read. Not as in humor, but simply just some easy to read sentences mixed in to the longer and more ‘complicated’ ones.

I like how the mentions of the world comes to pass, but I also feel like I’m not getting enough info to quite understand their conversations properly. Of course, some confusion is fine, but it should only be enough to make one intrigued and not so much that it makes it hard to understand.

Another thing, that might just be me nitpicking, but I really had a hard time differentiating between Gears and Graves, and kept reading both names as Graves or just switched them around and stuff like that. I think it’s because both names are rather similar and especially the fact that they both start with G and end with S. I don’t know if you have seen the study, but most people don’t read an entire word, but rather the word as a whole, so I don’t think I’m the only one being a bit confused by this… BUT, I do get that it might be a bit much to change an entire character name. I just wanted to mention it.

Otherwise, I don’t think I have anything else. Hope you could use some of it^^

darkone4587
May '20

If you want to I have two novels here on the website I'm constantly updating.


Aims
May '20
Lazu

I use bold to help readers know what is talking and which characters can hear it. And it also helps me cut any repetitive "he/she/they said"

Well, this author I used to binge when I was younger would refer to his characters as orphans regularly (or as spies/director/security guard). Is it offensive? :cold_sweat:

sarahmassey998
May '20
Lazu

Yeah my writing was a bit rough starting out and its definatly not for everyone! I think its gotten better the farther in I got but that's a question for my readers! And its the weirdest thing, I meant this to be a short novella and somehow the story just keeps going. I'm working on chapter 28 and I'm feeling like its not going to wrap up until 40 and absolutely none of its suspense. I think I suffer from projectile vomit writing, everything comes out in the chapter, everything!
I'm afraid Graves and Gears will remaine as such as their names actually relate to their respective backstory. Thank you so much for taking a look at my novel. If I ever get the time I'm going to hit the first couple chapters hard on the edit to mix up the sentence structure and grammar errors.
Keep it weird writing brethren! :v:

ivanskilling
May '20
Lazu

Thanks for the detailed feedback! I really appreciate it. :smiley:

I typically read my dialogue out loud but you're right, I should make it a habit to do it for the whole chapter. I just gotta get over hearing my own voice read something... to myself. :stuck_out_tongue:

Oh I'm sorry it sounded confusing! I'll try to figure out a way to edit the prologue so it doesn't give off that impression. Regarding the unrelated POV of characters, I'm kind of a fan of books and movies that just drops you into their POVs. :wink: It's more often used in mystery or drama settings, so I'm used to it. I do mention in the story description/summary that there are three main protagonists, so hopefully that makes it less jarring. And yes, in the next two chapters, both characters actually meet! :smiley:

Yeah chapter 2 and 3 turned out to be pretty short, but it gets longer after that. :wink:

Haha you picked out my weak point! :joy: I find it easier to describe sight and hearing but I always forget about the other two senses. I'll try to include that more often!

Thanks again for the useful feedback! And I'm happy to hear that the characters' personalities show through in the current chapters. :heart:

kiragin003
May '20

I would like an over all overview please, and I hope you are chilling like a Chilly. Thank You.

tangaroa
May '20
Lazu

Thanks for taking the time to read my story and give feedback.

It was envisioned as a TV miniseries. Another reason for the Scene markers is that I do a lousy job of writing the transitions into the text. I did remove some of them for the same reason you noted. In the future the story will jump back and forth between different teams in different dimensions, and that could get confusing.

The explanatory text before dialogue is meant to show who is speaking and describe the speaker's mood and thoughts. It can be difficult to describe a tone of voice, and I do worry about that enough to overdo it. I am also getting tired of writing "X turned to Y" as a marker for who is speaking to whom. “The sheriff had some news for Andy” line is meant to be one of the many Western tropes shoved into that prequel as the sort of thing you'd see in a story like that.

a lot of characters at once

Having too many characters is a bad habit of mine. At least meeting new people in every episode will keep the story interesting.

Volume is also an issue, as you have noted. If I wanted to put this to print, it would need to be a box set of small books or collections of 3 episodes at a time.

I'm glad you like my sense of humor.

Lazu
May '20
Aims

I don't know if it's offensive, but it just kinda bugged me. Also because both of them were orphans, right? So it didn't really help with the differentiating between them anyway o: