Standing at a wide window was a boy watching what seemed to look like fireworks. Red, yellow, blue, and many others the hue of colors was astounding.
@ChristodeBoyet, I don't feel astounded. Please "show" more than you "tell."
“sob…why? Sob….sob my love why did you have to stay and fight?”
Please separate sound effects from spoken dialogue. I read this as: "Sonofabitch . . . why? Sonofabitch . . . sonofabitch my love why did you have to stay and fight?"
Also, ellipses. Learn them.
Hovelled over on the ground crying to the left of the boy was a woman with black hair and what looked like a horn protruding from her forehead. A characteristic common to the boy’s people. What was uncommon was the boy’s appearance. Black hair, with two horns protruding from his head that were gold tipped, a beautiful tinge of gold reflected off the window obviously from the boy’s eyes which sported large black pupils with gold irises. A genetic mutation of his kind.
This reads too much like a cop describing a suspect. Better to reveal these details as you go.
[Mother is quite upset father, even though you had no choice in the matter of going or staying she has yet to understand. I wish I could’ve stayed to fight as well, but the country would not allow a boy of 15 to stay. Hah, I’m more powerful than you and yet pitifully could do nothing.]
Three long sentences. That's almost a monologue. Also, nonstandard punctuation.
As Calatros said this he slammed his fist against the glass creating several small web like cracks in it.
Unnecessary fine detail. It breaks the flow of the story.
On this day, it was the first recorded history of a living race escaping from The Great Calamity. Known as the Eldra, they escaped on 7 colony ships each carrying 30,000 lives totaling 210,000.
Generally speaking you should spell out numbers when writing fiction.
“Mm haaa such tiring work it’s been like this almost every day since I received this post “please sign this sir, can you sign that sir” they say, ahh such meticulous work.”
Quotation marks inside quotation marks. Should be:
“Mm haaa such tiring work it’s been like this almost every day since I received this post 'please sign this sir, can you sign that sir' they say, ahh such meticulous work.”
Or italicized:
“Mm haaa such tiring work it’s been like this almost every day since I received this post please sign this sir, can you sign that sir they say, ahh such meticulous work.”
. . .
[Mother….why did you have to leave me so early? Even though I was there, you decided in your grief over losing father to The Great Calamity too follow him to the afterlife, didn’t you? That’s the only thing I can think of for you to have suddenly died of an unknown illness. With our advanced technology, it’s just not possible to die so easily, even the doctor had no clue what was wrong with you. If only you could’ve died a peaceful and fulfilled life on our homeworld at 170 years old, but that monster had to come and destroy everything.]
It's an infodump and a jarring internal monologue. Not sure if omniscient third-person is the way to go.
The Average lifespan for a Eldra was 170 years, while the average lifespan for a mutant such as Calatros was 240 years. It is expected that a mutant like Calatros would be heavily discriminated against, however luckily, he was born as an Eldra. The Eldra value kindness and being tolerant of others different from themselves so much that even their god Phurantis was based around these values. It is widely believed that those who followed in the teachings of Phurantis shall be granted longevity and everlasting wisdom.
Another infodump. I'd rather have discovered this in-story.
Three quick rhythmic knocks were heard on the door. “knock..knock..knock.”
Adjectives are the devil.
After Calatros said those words a young man who looked 25 or so in appearance entered the room.
What kind of 25-year-old? Human? Eldra? Not sure what the comparison is.
[A rigid man, but that is why I like him. He works efficiently and effectively, though he can relax somewhat on military traditions in my opinion.]
Is the main character talking to himself?
The world of Gaea had 3 continents, the Eldra being the first refugees to arrive on Gaea named each one. Delmatrice, Aine, and Theystron is the names given to the masses of land by the Eldra. Delmatrice and Aine were separated by a large river that stretched across the land, while Theystron was in the northern part of the world with the ocean completely severing it from the other two. Theystron was a land of ice with hardly any life on it. It was near impossible for the Eldra to live on, so they decided not to build settlements there. Aine was mostly forests, it had plenty of food for life to thrive on in the beginning. Delmatrice had grassy plains, with some deserts in patches across it.
Needs to be clearer and more vivid. Paint a picture in the reader's mind.
This was king Veltak and currently he was doing his duty as king, which was mostly listening to petty squabbles of he/she said or he/she did this or that.
Should be "he or she said" or "they said".
“Stop, stop there is no need to fight in front of the king. GET UP NOW!”
Use all caps sparingly. Italics will do for most things that need emphasizing.
Prologue Pt 2 Ch 9
Eleven episodes into the series and we're still in the prologue?
. . .
But these are all details. I advise you to keep at it, maybe after reading a guide or two. I wrote a very short one, so you're covered.
