just remember you asked me to make you cry so here it is:
Sob...Do you hate me? Sob...sob.. Did I do something horrible to you which I can't remember? Because when you asked me to read this sh*t novel, it couldn't have been without a vengeful motive.
I mean how could someone write something so poorly and expect to gain readership?
"a one-sided fight for survival against something that was of monstrous proportions in size."
The only thing of monstrous proportions is your ego, which needs to be shot down. The audacity of you to think you could publish this online and it would be ok. It baffles my mind. My 2 yr old nephew could write better than this, and he can barely hold a crayon properly.
“sob…why? Sob….sob my love why did you have to stay and fight?”
Do people actually say "sob" when they sob? What the actual f*ck is this? You stupid fat cow. It's an action, you the writer write the action, the person doesn't say it. Why is it in f*cking quotations? It's not a f*cking onomatopoeia.
Oh dear god, I kept reading. I should've stopped there, but clearly I hate myself almost as much as you hate your readers. It just gets worse, how is that even possible?
Ok actual advice because it is not sitting well with me to just trash talk someone like that(I have so much more respect for Gordan Ramsey now, being vicious is hard)...
suggestions:
“[sob]…why? [Sob….sob] My love why did you have to stay and fight?”
or I prefer:
“Why?" she said sobbing uncontrollably. "My love why did you have to stay and fight?”
(I'm actually not sure who says that quote, the boy or the mother, I'm assuming the mother which is why I prefer this suggestion as it clarifies who with the pronoun.
Obviously I don't think your story is as bad as the review states, I'm just being mean to be mean, but I do think you can work on your execution of the English language. Some parts are awkward and there are definite grammatical mistakes. I only read the prologue part 1 ch1- so no comment on future parts.
