How do I figure out what I want?

[aqua03]

Welcome back to hopefully the last episode (of 2021 at least) of "Aqua03 has an existential crisis in front of a live studio audience", where we last left off, out brave, clean, and reverent hero was probably off posting about hamsters or something like that. Very important plot stuff for his character arc, I assure you.

This has honestly been something that's been on my mind a lot recently as I've been soul searching and rethinking my relationship with my work: It feels I've spent so much time trying my hardest to figure out what other people like so I don't "Screw up" and end up getting hurt in the process so that I can succeed right out of the gate that I now that I've been working on getting out of that mindset, I'm left with a void and am at a loss of what to do and what I want to do with my work going forward. Both in terms of driving purpose and trying to figure out just what I want to do in terms of focus as well it seems.

Like, I look at a bunch of different artists and things I like that each have very different styles and ideas and so I go "I want my art look like that! No wait, I want it to be like that! I wanna write a story like this! No wait, that story idea is even better!" And so on and so forth, not helped by this general problem of starting work on something and feeling like I'm getting somewhere and then going "Oh wait, I've got an even better idea on how to do this!" and starting over from there, always afraid I'd waste my ideas on something not as good as what I come up with later (which probably explains why I always feel like I need to be "The Perfect and Bestest" before I start on my stuff because when I'm perfect, that means every single idea i make is perfect right from the get go as well, so I won't waste time or feel like I missed out on something better or screwed up by making the wrong choice for my characters and world." Combined with a fear that I'll never get to properly play with all my ideas and stories I want to due to suddenly dying or something else going horribly wrong as well if that makes sense.

So I just feel left with this void of not knowing what to do or what to focus on in order to start properly moving forward with my goals in terms of art, writing, and all that good stuff. I just feel so lost and scared that I might make the wrong choice and screw up and possibly cause harm to myself or someone else I care about in the process. I just can;t seem to trust myself that I know what I'm doing and trust myself with my own work it seems.

Have you guys ever struggled with similar problems with figuring out what you wanted and not trusting your own creative instincts for fear of screwing up? I'd love to hear your advice and thoughts on the subject and if you ever managed to overcome it as well.

Thanks again for the help guys. It means a lot to me to have your support.

This has been "Aqua03 has an existential crisis in front of a live studio audience". Tune in next time to hear Aqua03 Sing, "Oh wait, that's a water buffalo....."

[rajillustration]

Something to ask yourself is why you have these fears that the worst thing that could possibly happen is going to happen. Because most likely the worst thing that could happen is literally nothing. You post, and then no one shows up. Or, maybe it's less than perfect because you're a young artist who's still finding your voice. Or maybe you feel like redoing it 5 years down the road. Overall, that's not so terrible in the grand scheme of things. And like, assuming the worst will happen is one of those anxiety loops you have to watch out for.

And when it comes to being indecisive about decisions, you kinda just have to go with one when it comes to comics and commit because there is no "best." and sure, everything comes with a risk of it not working out. That's just how life works. But you can't truly know until you've biffed it a few times. It's fine. You survive and your story is not ruined, and you will have plenty of time to either do it over, or be inspired to do a different series.

And like bringing it back to art, most artists have a lot of different styles, but when we promote ourselves, we're finely curating what we choose to show. All those people who are doing anime on your timelines, probably have piles of lineless realism in a folder somewhere. They're hopping style to style in their personal studies, but have committed to a specific style for their audience. It gives you the freedom of experimentation without having to redo everything when you have a personal place to experiment that no one else sees. So don't worry about having to commit to a style forever.

When it comes to if it's the "best" style for your comic, I don't think there's ever going to be an answer to that question, so you don't need to answer it. Style is very subjective not only for your audience, but also yourself and your interests of the moment. The biggest thing is to do a style that you can see yourself doing over, and over, and over again when it comes to a comic series. Can you do it efficiently? Is it a style you're really comfortable with? Is it still fun after doing it a lot? And if you don't know yet because you're still learning art, then just go with any direction until you know. (because you'll KNOW when it starts being a pain in the ass and you don't want to do it anymore).

A lot of making comics is just kind of making a stab at it and hoping it lands? And that's fine. So long as it was an enjoyable experience for you while making it.

[alliascompany]

Definitely have. Going through a bit of it for FoN. Example being the actual comic vs. It's lore.

Sometimes the only way is to keep studying and experimenting and of course also plenty of art that you love doing. The important thing is to pay attention what about your art you like vs what you don't/frustrates you.

Even then you can have different styles for different situations.

Another thing you can try is try to describe your story or idea in one or two sentences. Can even be a question like "What if there were a group of characters like this?"

For comics sometimes it helps to do a little planning and just start. It is disappointing when it doesn't come out how you wanted, but only thing you can do is take a deep breath, acknowledge what didn't work or frustrated you, take note what did work, and then move on and try again.

[wispysing]

Going through a similar situation right now with Heavenfall, so I understand what you're feeling. But see, thing for the both of us is...perfection doesn't exist. Even those people you see are at the top of the game? They won't stay there forever.

People style-hop all the time. Art styles evolve over time as we pile on more experience. If you're ever unsatisfied with how earlier chapters look, you can always do a remake.

Do the works: plan the story, point out the plot holes, ask the what-ifs, and just start. Also, I just try not to be too emotionally invested in my work and characters. I mean sure, I love my characters, they've been with me for so long–but speaking from experience when I let myself get too attached, I get this overwhelming fear that I won't portray them or their story as perfect. I couldn't trust myself with delivering their story, hell I couldn't even sketch them out 'cause I was too afraid. But if I don't start, I won't ever start. And they'll remain just that: concepts swimming around in my head.

My advice, take a breather. Don't see what others are doing and focus solely on your ideas. Grab a notebook and start writing. But most of all, ask yourself if it is enjoyable to you, because if it's doing you more harm than good, then it's not worth your time.

[TheLemmaLlama]

1. Art can't hurt anyone. Unless you're writing about something controversial (or there's some specific bad thing you're afraid would happen, which I would be curious to hear), there is very little reason to worry about causing any kind of harm yo yourself or others by doing art.
2. If you attempt your dream project and it turns out mediocre/substandard, you can always redo it. You're not 'stuck' with your first attempt and your project is not doomed to be mediocre forever.
3. If it feels like a waste to redo a project, it's even more inefficient to try to get it perfect the first time, because you always need to get out the bad stuff before you develop the skills to make the good stuff, and the bad stuff will always be unusable. Idea evolution is inevitable, and good.
4. Art is a pain in the ass and takes forever. If you start on a bunch of ideas, you will drop some of them because you'll eventually become drained and feel they're not worth the effort. The project that you manage to stick with is "what you want" :]

[aqua03]

Something to ask yourself is why you have these fears that the worst thing that could possibly happen is going to happen. Because most likely the worst thing that could happen is literally nothing. You post, and then no one shows up. Or, maybe it's less than perfect because you're a young artist who's still finding your voice. Or maybe you feel like redoing it 5 years down the road. Overall, that's not so terrible in the grand scheme of things. And like, assuming the worst will happen is one of those anxiety loops you have to watch out for.

Yeah, that's been something I've been working on recently. Asking myself why I have these "All or nothing" feelings and fears regarding my art and life in general.This fear that if don't make the "100% best decision TM" then I'll have wasted my life, time, money, and energy on it even if the end result is just "Pretty good" instead of perfect (which is impossible to achieve).

A lot of making comics is just kind of making a stab at it and hoping it lands? And that's fine. So long as it was an enjoyable experience for you while making it.

That's something I need to keep in mind as well. EGT and Alpha Alpaca were mostly just me throwing something out there and having fun with it. Same with the entry I did for a manga contest last year. It didn't win, but I learned a lot with it and had fun for the most part. So why when it comes to writing a serialized comic like ToP or Dragoons, I always fret about the uncontrollable so much?

Sometimes the only way is to keep studying and experimenting and of course also plenty of art that you love doing. The important thing is to pay attention what about your art you like vs what you don't/frustrates you.

That's a good way of thinking about that. I find myself worry too much about some non-existent "Committee" I need to please with my work in trying to make the most marketable and successful thing out there it seems, and we already know how many artists and writers out there already hate working to please actual executive committees trying to create the most palatable thing for mass appeal and max profit....

My advice, take a breather. Don't see what others are doing and focus solely on your ideas. Grab a notebook and start writing. But most of all, ask yourself if it is enjoyable to you, because if it's doing you more harm than good, then it's not worth your time.

Yeah, that's definitely soemthing I need to keep in mind as well. If it's not fun, why bother? As reggie Fils-Aime once said.

Do the works: plan the story, point out the plot holes, ask the what-ifs, and just start. Also, I just try not to be too emotionally invested in my work and characters. I mean sure, I love my characters, they've been with me for so long–but speaking from experience when I let myself get too attached, I get this overwhelming fear that I won't portray them or their story as perfect. I couldn't trust myself with delivering their story, hell I couldn't even sketch them out 'cause I was too afraid. But if I don't start, I won't ever start. And they'll remain just that: concepts swimming around in my head.

Mood. I think that might be the big problem: I've become too emotionally invested in my work revolving the Dragoons and their stuff given how long I've been working on them (Earliest versions dating back from 2007-2008 at least if I remember correctly...) compared to the relatively shorter time frames of EGT and Alpha Alpaca's developments (3 years and a couple of months respectively) So trying to better detach myself from those older projects is Something i need to work on. I've often found that a lot of my best creative decisions were kinda of spur of the moment it seems. (Like Alpha Alpaca coming together in a few months based off of a spur of the moment decision and want to write something else to take a break from EGT and practice more traditional comic storytelling techniques and art.)

Definitely have. Going through a bit of it for FoN. Example being the actual comic vs. It's lore.

Sometimes the only way is to keep studying and experimenting and of course also plenty of art that you love doing. The important thing is to pay attention what about your art you like vs what you don't/frustrates you.

Yeah, I've definitely felt that regarding Dragoons recently. Not just with soem lore and worldbuilding crossroads I've had (Like whether or not I want the typical fantasy precursor race with amazing technology to have died out thanks to a war that devastated the world or via ecological collapse or who would be a better perspective character/protagonist to follow for the story as a recent example) to something a bit larger scale of wondering if I should return to the Sentai Parody roots of the Dragoons and write a madcap comedy with them after watching Zenkaiger and Sunred or if I want the Fantasy RPG epic I had planned for them, or just write a more traditional Sentai story for the Dragoons and save the big fantasy epic stuff I had planned for them for another project if that makes sense. Those are just kinda some of the big decisions I've been dealign with regarding my stuff recently and in general it seems.

Art can't hurt anyone. Unless you're writing about something controversial (or there's some specific bad thing you're afraid would happen, which I would be curious to hear), there is very little reason to worry about causing any kind of harm yo yourself or others by doing art.

That's a relief to hear. Thank you.I have no idea where this fear of "Hurting someone" with my art came from and i wish I could stop feeling that.

If it feels like a waste to redo a project, it's even more inefficient to try to get it perfect the first time, because you always need to get out the bad stuff before you develop the skills to make the good stuff, and the bad stuff will always be unusable. Idea evolution is inevitable, and good.

Yeah, that's something I need to keep reminding myself as well. Nobody is perfect and nobody starts super skilled. Only by getting out there, failing, picking yourself back up, figuring out what worked and what didn't, and getting back out there is how you grow.

[aqua03]

The more i think about it, the more I think I just have a big problem with commitment in all honest regarding these projects.

Like, with EGT and ALpha Alpaca, they were either short comics or gag-a-day comics that I could drop at any time with little to no consequence, but with these serialized comics, you're kinda stuck with them and what you made previously and I'm just terrified of screwing up on that end of things and being "stuck" in a crappy comic if that makes sense.

honestly, I need to break free of this constant self-destructive "What If" loop of anxiety I seem to have gotten myself into it feels.

[SleepingPoppy]

I'm just terrified of screwing up on that end of things and being "stuck" in a crappy comic if that makes sense.

You're not stuck. If the story doesn't work, you drop it. And I know your brain is going "Red alter" because we all feel strongly about completing a story, BUT if it actually came to working on something you were so unhappy with you felt trapped, and dropping it, you drop it. You don't HAVE to drop anything, of course, but I think it'd be good for you to recognize to yourself that it's an option? (but FYI, the feeling of being "stuck" with a story does make sense to me, it's totally an understandable fear!)

honestly, I need to break free of this constant self-destructive "What If" loop of anxiety I seem to have gotten myself into it feels.

Maybe shorter seasonal stories would be a good way to go? Like, season 1, season 2, etc- you can merge the desire to write something on going but do it in manageable bites. And if you're able to have a season finale of sorts, you can do different projects inbetween, or have a set place to drop the story if its not working.

But I think at the end of the day you have to find a way to deal with your self doubt? I don't know what the answer there is, other than being willing to just throw yourself full force into something and focus on the fun. I've told you before, my way of dealing with that self doubt was to just start writing fully indulgent stories. When I write indulgently on purpose, it really takes the steam out of worrying about what's popular or cliché or "best".

[Scarlet_Cryptid]

I feel like the fear of dropping something you're not 'feeling' anymore can be at least partially mitigated by building yourself ready-made 'out' points, and committing to reaching those before you drop something. I did something like this to myself. I wasn't sure I'd be able to hack drawing a long-term comic, so I told myself that, come hell or high water, I was going to at least draw chapter one. And once I reached that milestone, I'd evaluate how I felt about things, and whether I wanted to continue. So far, I'm about halfway through drawing chapter one, and I feel really good about it, and I foresee continuing at least through chapter two. But I gave myself the built in 'out' of being allowed to leave at the end of chapter one if I needed to.

I dunno, it seems like a decent compromise-- just dropping something in the middle of a narrative is jarring for both artist and reader, I agree, but having natural breaking points feels more satisfying and calms the 'but this is quitting!!' voice in my brain. Maybe it'd be helpful here, too?

[aqua03]

Yeah, that's a pretty good idea in all honesty. Breaking things down into smaller bites in general and seeing where I want to go when I hit those points. It's something I've thought about on and off in the past as well. Especially since both of my prior big projects, EGT and Alpha ALapca were kind of designed with that in mind. (EGT being a newspaper type of comedy strip and ALpha Alpaca being a one shot superhero pastiche and thus easy to pick up again with more wacky sci fi one shot adventures in the future if I ever wanted to.) No reason I can;t do something similar-ish for my more serialized comics as well. (Even if said out points would be a "Bolivian Army Ending" type of thing probably.)

Taking a more proactive attempt at getting my rampant anxiety under control as well like i have been trying to do recently'll probably help a lot as well in that regard, too.

Maybe shorter seasonal stories would be a good way to go? Like, season 1, season 2, etc- you can merge the desire to write something on going but do it in manageable bites. And if you're able to have a season finale of sorts, you can do different projects inbetween, or have a set place to drop the story if its not working.

Been toying with that idea as well, especially since my first webcomic EGT was structured into four "Seasons" of 25 strips each. So it probably wouldn;t hurt to do something similar for my other works as well in the future, too.

But I think at the end of the day you have to find a way to deal with your self doubt? I don't know what the answer there is, other than being willing to just throw yourself full force into something and focus on the fun. I've told you before, my way of dealing with that self doubt was to just start writing fully indulgent stories. When I write indulgently on purpose, it really takes the steam out of worrying about what's popular or cliché or "best".

Thanks. Yeah, that's actually been something I've been working on as well recently and taking a more serious attempt at solving as well. Thank you for the advice and encouragement. It means a lot to me to hear.

[Calandria]

Ánimo! if you are not comfortable with the project you are doing, sometimes it is good to take a breather, reconsider if that is the "route" you want to follow or not and if you do not feel motivated to continue, then start over.

[SleepingPoppy]

Thanks. Yeah, that's actually been something I've been working on as well recently and taking a more serious attempt at solving as well. Thank you for the advice and encouragement. It means a lot to me to hear.

A lot of this will get easier as you address the mental stuff! I'm working on sorting my brain out too, and it'll all get better.

[system]

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