I always feel I'm going insane to be honest. Especially during the summer, like I'd have a timebomb on my upcoming breakdown because I actually don't have friends to hang out with outside school grounds. My parents would keep on asking me about the lives of my friends from before (to which I still consider as friends but they already have others people and experiences they'd be fine without me in the picture) because there are desperate on wanting me to live my life with people my age rather looking at a screen.
But it is hard when you're raised like that to be honest. A learned behavior because my mom bans the neighbor kids to hang out with me cause she thinks they're using me for the toys when I was a kid and the only company I have besides my brother was video games and the TV. I got bullied in school, ignored by my classmates with only a few exceptions who likes me at arms length from kindergarten to high school.
The monotony of my routine is an itch I wanted to break but it is hard for an introvert like me to mingle around crowded areas. And my interests are somewhat niche to a large portion of people so it gives me a smaller percent of people to bond with but I'm trying to expand my horizons (while currently in college) so I can be included in a lot of things and events with the peers I have gotten this semester.
I like being alone but longer duration of it gives me mental gymnastics that I don't know how to say but visualize in my head. Depress? There are instance of where I feel like that and to an extent even darker thoughts emerge in my head.