5 chapters of novel
The Eternal Death
was released but the novel didn't receive any feedback, please give it a read and provide your views on each chapter so that it can be further improve
Jan '23
Feb '23
Hi Vikar, and congratulations on releasing your novel. This can be quite exciting and/or scary, and makes all the sense in the world you'd want it to do well (which, to the best of my understanding and from my experience is not the easiest task). I've read the first chapter and there are 3 main points I think you should focus on at this stage:
Your blurb: Right now it's very general, almost thematic. It doesn't tell us anything about the protagonist, who they are, what challenges they'll encounter and what's the premise of the story. As your blurb is what potential readers will probably look at first, it's probably a good idea to let them know what the story's about through it (in a way that makes them want to read it, of course).
Most of your first chapter gives a long, unnecessary glossing over of MC's life. It doesn't take us into a scene happening or helps us to start getting to know MC based on the way they act. To me, this seems to be things that happen before the plot even begins. The first scene we see that feels like we get to experience it rather than be told about it is at the very end of the chapter, when MC goes home and gets hit by a car. If you were to ask me, I think the diagnosis MC receives and the way he deals with it is probably a better place to start.
This is a more "technical" aspect, but it's also important in my opinion. There are some sentences that sound a little weird. If English isn't you're not a native English speaker (I'm not one so I know what it's like) it can be even harder. What I'd recommend is trying to have someone else read your chapters as well before you post them. Often that someone will be able to point towards things we, the writers, completely miss in our own writing.
Lastly, remember that getting engagement when posting online is not always easy! With novels even more, it would seem (or at least that's what I heard, I only write so I don't have any personal comic experience to go on). Stay engaged with the community, work on your craft and seek feedback (as you're currently doing 
) and be patient.
Best of luck!
Thankyou so much for elaborating so nicely , I'll try to improve based on your views and hope you'll keep giving the feedbacks, if it is not too much to ask for. Thanks
No problem, I hope you find this helpful. And while I unfortunately can’t make any promises (the amount of free time I have might change in the near future), feel free to ask again once you have the edited version! If I can I’ll be happy to help. There are also a ton of kind, talented people around here who I’m sure would be happy to do the same I think I’ve yet to see someone requesting feedback on their work and receiving none.
Based on your feedback , I've changed my blurb and also my writing style. I'd like to hear your views again for the edited version of my novel.
Based on what I remember, this blurb is much better. There are some grammatical errors in there I'd recommend you fix and perhaps a sentence or two that can be edited, but it is significantly improved compared to the previous version. Great job on that.
As for the first chapter, I'm afraid I don't remember in detail what it looked like before, but I think the things I pointed out are still there. You have a long exposition that feels like a bit of an info dump or something that's being described from a distance. The thing is, when you're telling a story, you almost never meet a character at the beginning of their life. We meet them at a certain point that was preceded by different events that shapes them. They're already a person, with a personality, belief system and an internal emotional world that was shaped by their life. This whole process, of what shaped a character's personality before we meet them, is rarely something that's laid out for us chronologically. Rather, we learn it throughout the story, in bits and pieces. That is because the story focuses on the journey a character goes through from the moment we meet them, and until they learn the lesson they need to learn. Everything that comes before and after it isn't a part of the plot.
I think you can start things with a small flashback that gives us some insight into how and why a character is when we meet them, but what you have right now feels a bit too long and unnecessary - especially since it sounds like Theo is going to be transformed into another world, where the majority of the plot takes places. This seems to be your inciting incident, and the beginning of Theo's journey.
What I can suggest is to try and define those things to yourself: what is the story you're telling? What's the start point, the end point, and what does your main character go through and learn between them, as well as how it all changes him. Everything that came before it and shaped him into who he is when we first meet him can be shown in more subtle way, through dialogue, actions and thoughts. This isn't always an easy thing to do - it takes time, effort and planning to figure those things out, so don't get discouraged if it sounds like a lot. It often is. But it often works in layers too, where you start relatively shallow and gradually go deeper, and the more you'll consider those things, the more things will become clear. I really think that if you start thinking of those things it'll also help you clear up your plot, message, and writing.
Once again thankyou for elaborating so nicely but I want to know that, you're giving me the feedbacks by only reading the first chapter ?
And if it's true, then I'd like you to read atleast 3 chapters . I think MC's personality will be much easier to understand that way.
I'd really like to hear from you about the story itself.
Thanks again
I'm really sorry but I'm afraid I don't have the time at the moment to read the three chapters and provide you with a detailed feedback. The reason I'm referencing the first is because that is also the first impression (aside from the blurb) your readers will get of your story, and, most likely, the thing they'll decide whether to read on or not based on. I apologize if this sounds a bit harsh, but the truth is we as writers need to make our first chapter especially attractive to readers for them to even consider sticking with our stories. It's entirely possible your MC's personality becomes clearer and easier to connect with the further into the story you get (in fact, that's what should happen), but in order for people to get there, you have to grab their attention at the very beginning and make them want to read on and get to that part. The first chapter is the story itself. It where it begins, and is perhaps one of the most important parts of it.
Again, I'm really sorry but I'm afraid I won't be able to give you the feedback you're looking for right now. I hope what I did could still contribute to your writing somehow. I hope you find someone who can help with the rest though
Not at all, you're given insights are more than I can ask for. I'm very well thankful for your time as well and clearly understand the point of first impression.
Due to my lack of writing skills, I might not be able to punch 
hard in reader's gut at the first try but I'm betting everything on contents from the second chapter.
Well I'm glad to know I was able to help. And don't get discouraged. Writing is a skill and as such, can be developed. The more you write and the more open you are the feedback (both things you do), the better your writing will become (I think your blurb is a fantastic example - you really improved it significantly in a very short time). It's just a matter of sticking with it, which sound easy but can be really hard when you feel like it's not working. But if you keep going, you will see progress. That much I'm confident in.
And once again, good luck!
closed Feb 20, '23
