I got two-timed by a close friend, am I a jerk for being upset

Mari 2020-12-08 17:35:19 UTC #1

So, a friend of more than 7 years who has on multiple occasions expressed interest in dating me and that I have made plans for dates with, suddenly told me he has been dating someone else (which I kinda guessed from how he was acting). A day or two ago he turned me down for a date, kept saying "I'm not saying no, I just worry you'll be alone if it turns south" and other things like that, that made him seem like the good guy. My brain was just instantly "It's because I'm ugly", though, so didn't work I guess?

There's other stuff, like a week or so ago I tried calling him to ask him to play a few games with, and he was super rudely answering me (which he admitted later) and he kept calling whoever was over "a guest" when he always used names for his friends, even if I didn't know them. Like he was clearly hiding that he was dating the other chick.

I dunno. I feel like I was wronged because we talked about dating literally for years and we had finally started doing it, but we hadn't really talked about exclusivity (I just kind of assumed). I just feel like this was a really shitty thing to do.

darthmongoose 2020-12-08 17:44:29 UTC #2

Sounds like you dodged a bullet honestly, this guy revealed his true colours as an absolute dickhead, so it's just as well you didn't get into a relationship with such a toxic person. Better to find out before you seriously started going on dates so you can find somebody who's actually enthusiastic about dating you and a nice person.

Shredder 2020-12-08 17:44:52 UTC #3

If both of you were in a consensus that both of you are dating and he starts being a dick then just tell him. The clearest way to get an answer is to ask him. If he brushes you off and diverts the questions then ditch him, no one has time for that kind of toxicity this year.

Ask questions like;

"We agreed to start dating and now you suddenly tell me that you're dating another person, is this what I can expect of you?" Which you stated in your first paragraph.

If it turns out he is, then he is either cheating on you or the other girl so just bail.

Mari 2020-12-08 17:47:17 UTC #4

To make it more clear; The way he told me about the other chick was basically that he chose her. Like I'm dating this person now, bye.

darthmongoose 2020-12-08 17:53:53 UTC #5

Yeah, forget that guy. You deserve better than to be somebody's back up option. Get together with somebody for whom you are their number one choice and they're excited to be with you, not somebody who's like "eh, I guess we've been friends a while so we can date unless I find someone I want more in the meantime".

Shredder 2020-12-08 17:54:12 UTC #6

Say goodbye

cherrystark 2020-12-08 18:02:39 UTC #7

I agree with @darthmongoose. You dodged a bullet. You deserve someone is going to love you and treat you with respect, not someone who sounds like a lying jerk. (I feel safe to assume that had he communicated that he had met someone else and they were "dating", you would probably feel better about this, yes?)

I have, sadly, been in a similar situation twice in the last decade. I learned that if a person is seriously interested in making a relationship work with you, they will make the time for you.

The other important thing I learned is that you should NEVER be with a partner that makes you doubt your worth and value. If he's making you doubt yourself while subconsciously putting himself on a pedestal, RUN! He's not worth your time.

DokiDokiTsuna 2020-12-08 18:31:27 UTC #8

I agree with @cherrystark, ^this sounds like a red flag.

Not an expert on romance, but someone deciding to be in a relationship with you out of pity, or anything even remotely resembling "I'm probably the only person you'll ever have a chance with", is generally not something you want. If that's the kind of stuff he's willing to say right to your face, run.

domisotto 2020-12-08 18:37:35 UTC #9

Honestly, unless both are enthusiastic, chances are there is no future for it. I had a wonderful friend, and our attempt to date ended up basically in an agreement that we’ll get married if we are 40 and still single. Lol. Friendship, no matter how close doesn’t always translate to romantic love.

SleepingPoppy 2020-12-08 18:51:36 UTC #10

"I'm not saying no" is super sketching thing to say IMO. Like no, he SHOULD be saying no if he's dating someone else.

It sounds like the beginning of your relationship was pretty vague in regards to shifting from friendship to romance, and I'm not sure if you ever actually started dating from what you explained? He still should have been upfront if/when he started dating someone else, though, especially since there was at the very least an established intention between you both.

At the end of the day, he is allowed to decide to date someone else though, and that still doesn't make you a jerk for being upset, as long as you're not hurling abuse at him or other people. And if you feel like he lied, cheated, or otherwise did you wrong, the best course of action is to distance yourself from him. You deserve friends who will be honest. You deserve romantic partners that are committed.

DiegoPalacios 2020-12-08 19:14:32 UTC #11

Never be someone's plan B........as soon as a plan A is available, he will drop you like a hot potato.

Is kinda shitty.....well, if he really wanted to date you he would have done it......

sorry if my reply may come as harsh.....but there are way too many red flags on that guy to not be blunt about it.

You deserve and you can get way better......

rajillustration 2020-12-09 03:37:06 UTC #12

I have been in a situation very similar to this actually and you gotta get out. Like there's guys like this who don't want to be completely honest with the women in their life because they like hedge their bets. So if this current girl he's dating doesn't work out, he can go back to casually dating you just like has been the past 7 years--he might have other girls on a leash just like this. It's the freakin worst. Tells you he's interested and then backs out right after it turns into actual work. (because friendship is cool and all--but it's easy. Relationships are hard work.)

Every time I tried to confront the guy I was with (who is different from your guy so this situation is admittedly a little different) he always turned it into how he was doing me a favor and didn't want to hurt me through committing and then ruining the friendship through dating because our friendship was just so "deep and important to him" and you know what? That was a lie. It was manipulation. Yes, friendship is important, but so is your feelings. It hurts like hell to see someone you like date someone else, and if he doesn't care about that, then he is not your friend.

I'm not saying that he's the same because my guy was uniquely terrible and king of manipulation, but real friends are honest and will ask about your feelings if they have any doubts that you would be jealous. Real friends would listen to you and fess up if they were caught and feel terrible and give you space and distance and not string you along.

And like I don't know his age or anything, maybe y'all are 16 and this isn't as intense as it could be, but I hope you know that it isn't your fault if he lead you to believe you were together and then just...started dating someone else. That's not your fault. That's him being real bad at communication.

ble 2020-12-09 03:41:11 UTC #13

If i had to play detective, i would say that your friend is very insecure. Because:

a) He doesn't know how to end the relationship, instead, he just gave vague excuses, instead of a direct answer.

b) He may be even insecure of any of the relationship working out, so he has a "plan B".

Anyway, i agree with the general concensus that you dodged a bullet.